feeling crazy...

I posted this before in my thread "suicide", but I decided to post it again in a separate thread.

First of all. I'd really appreciate any responses to this post. I want to know what you guys think about this.

I really thought I was possibly losing my sanity yesterday. First of all. I was having a good day, but then my mom told me about a million things that I need to do in school. I got so stressed out and depressed. I hit myself and slapped myself over and over. And because I couldn't cut myself I dug my finger nail deep into the side of my wrist. It's still pretty sore. So anyway. That SUCKED!! I thought about suicide A LOT!!

So last night whenI went to bed, I felt SOOO much better. I was SOOO happy. I was laying in my bed praying. And suddenly I got this crazy idea that I was probably gonna die that night. I started begging God not to take my life away. I was sooo upset. Then I though I was being brain washed by someone. I thought a demon was talking to me and trying to get me or something. I was scared to death. Then I just felt so crazy. I finally just stopped thinking about it. Then I stopped thinking all of that crazy stuff. I still felt uncomfortable until I woke up this morning. It was a very upsetting experience. I felt SOOO paranoid.

And yesterday, ealier in the day, I was in a restroom at a convenience store. I felt paranoid while I was washing my hands. It was weird. I'm trying to hurry this along!! My computer time is almost up. I have to go now. I think I may be worse off mentally then I thought I was. Please give me your opinions/advice.

~element

Hi Element, Did you post this the same day in more than one forum?

How are you feeling now?

These sound like my initial signs of psychosis, you really need to get in to see your pdoc. You're not crazy, but that bipolar bug is bittin gyou square in the booty and you need to be leveled out. okay.?

My prayers are with you.

I did post this twice, on this forum thing by accident, but I didn't post it on anything else.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet, so I don't actually know if I'm bipolar or not, but I've been on this forum 'cuz I thought it was probably the most appropriate place to post 'cuz I had been having terrible mood swings.

Right now, I'm feeling great. It's a sunny day and I just feel wonderful. Yesterday, however, I wanted to kill myself and it was everything that I could do not to cut myself. Last night was great. I was feeling a lot better last night!!

I haven't been having too much trouble with those weird thoughts (demons etc.) lately, but I still do every now and then. I sometimes think I'm being brainwashed. Sometimes by you guys (sorry) and sometimes by other people. I know that you guys aren't brainwashing me, but some days I get that into my head and then I feel like I have no where to go. I can't tell my mom about all of these weird feelings 'cuz she will think I'm crazy. And I'm always scared that if I tell anyone about all of this stuff (cutting, being paranoid, thinking I'm being brainwashed, etc.) then they'll put me in a mental hospital. I know that's probably a silly thing to be scared of, but I am scared to go.

When I thought a demon was talking to me, I didn't see or hear it or anything. I just thought it was there. And I thought it was trying to talk to me and brainwash me. Now that I think about it, I know that it was silly of me to believe that, but it was just like I couldn't control it. I'm a Christian, and I don't believe demons can take over a Christians soul/mind, but that night I was doubting my salvation too. I know I'm saved though. I'm not what you would consider a crazy religious person (my uncle was for a while, thankfully, he isn't now), so I don't think it has anything to do with me reading up on that kind of thing. I read my Bible, but I don't read up on demons, and witchcraft and stuff. So I have no clue why I thought what i thought that night. Some days I try to convince myself that I never really believed that kind of stuff, but I know I really did. I just don't want to feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm sorry that I'm making this so long, but I guess I just need someone to talk to.

Another thing that's been bothering me, is I've been thinking back to when I was a little kid. Sometimes when I was little, I'd tell my parents that I wanted to die, because something would scare me really bad, and I thought the world was too scary to live in. But I was just a little kid and I'd get over whatever it was later. And when I was little, every night this little thing would play through my head. It was pretty much everything that I didn't want to think about. It would play just like a film or something. And the things that were too scary or sad had boxes over them, but I knew what they were. It's kind of hard to explain this, but I'm doing the best that I can. And they all played in the same order every night. I never told anyone about it 'cuz I didn't think it was important. ANd I probably didn't think about it happening until it actually did--every night. I can't get it to play back anymore, but I still remember bits and pieces. I remember that one night mare that I had was in it, but it had a box over it. And I thought about my cat that died. And I thought about my great grand parents that died. ANd it made me sad. And i thought about all kinds of scary things. And I would try to block it out of my mind, but I couldn't. It would play through my mind every night. I don't remember exactly when it stopped or what made it stop, but I just know that now looking back, I can't help but think that was weird!! Sometimes I just think I'm normal like everyone else, and other days, I think I'm crazy.

It means so much to me that you would pray for me. It really does. That's so nice of you. Thank you.

~element

btw, I don't know if I said this before, but I don't even have a pdoc 'cuz I'm too scared to ask my mom to take me to one.

~element

Hello element;

It has been a while, but I have been on a journey of my own for the last while...

One thing you say really bothers me...

When I thought a demon was talking to me, I didn't see or hear it or anything. I just thought it was there. And I thought it was trying to talk to me and brainwash me. Now that I think about it, I know that it was silly of me to believe that, but it was just like I couldn't control it. I'm a Christian, and I don't believe demons can take over a Christians soul/mind, but that night I was doubting my salvation too. I know I'm saved though. I'm not what you would consider a crazy religious person (my uncle was for a while, thankfully, he isn't now), so I don't think it has anything to do with me reading up on that kind of thing. I read my Bible, but I don't read up on demons, and witchcraft and stuff. So I have no clue why I thought what i thought that night. Some days I try to convince myself that I never really believed that kind of stuff, but I know I really did. I just don't want to feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm sorry that I'm making this so long, but I guess I just need someone to talk to.

Sorry to put this so bluntly, but you can believe what you want about your faith...but your brain is not going to listen. If you were hearing voices...you were hearing voices. That is not a good sign. Trust me. Call em what you want (mine are hill-billies), they are there and they need to be dealt with. It has nothing to do with religion. The workings of the mind are immune to religion.

Faith is wonderful to have, it can provide a person with a great deal of security and support. However, faith can also interfere with the proper diagnosis and treatment of illness and disease. Do not let that occur. Your faith teaches that we all must help each other in order for the world to work...listen to us here, we are trying to help you...the voices are not a good sign. Please get help.

Hello Pedro,
I wondered what happened to you.

I'm telling you the honest truth, I didn't hear anything. I was just for some reason convinced that demons were talking to me. I don't believe they really were now, but I do believe that something was going wrong in my head 'cuz I really thought that they were talking to me. It was like they were trying to convince me of things, but I didn't actually hear any voices. I was just having a lot of weird feelings and thoughts and got it into my head that demons were making me have these feelings and thoughts.

I know I need to get help. 'cuz even though I'm convinced that it wasn't real, at that time I thought it was. But I'm just really scared to tell my mom. I don't want my mother to think I'm crazy and I don't want my dad to either. And what if they decided to put me in the mental hospital for a while? I mean, hey, maybe that's where I need to be, but I really don't want to be there. I'm scared, Pedro.

I hope I can get this all figured out. But you've probably figured out by now that no matter how much I think I need help or how much I want help, I'm scared to get it. I wish I could talk to a doctor, but I don't want my parents to know, but in order for me to talk to a doctor, they'd have to drive me there and they'd have to pay the bill. Sure, they wouldn't mind doing that for me, but I just don't want to ask them to 'cuz I'm scared.

I told my mom the other day that I'm sick of feeling like killing myself all of the time. (we had been discussing how behind I am in school) Her response was "being behind in school is nothing to kill yourself over." DUH!!! OF COURSE IT'S NOT!! THAT'S WHY I NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG!! I was hoping that by telling her that, she'd know that I need to go to the doctor, but instead...well you get the point.

~element

Btw, I wanted to point out, that I wasn't saying that I must have not been hearing anything, because demons wouldn't talk to me. I was saying that whatever was bothering me was not demons. I wasn't denying that something was bothering me though. I think what was bothering me was some problem in my head that I don't understand and won't understand until I go to the doctor.

I often get a lot of weird thoughts and feelings. But, I just ignore them and do what is in front of me. I just accept that I have strange thoughts and move on with life. Too bad you are not in a regular school. At school, there are a lot of people, counselors and teachers that you could talk to.

I would guess that you mother is very concerned about you being behind in school. She may be at her wits end to try to get you caught up. My parents had the same fixed ideas about not going for help for any mental problems. When I got on my own I sought and received help for my mental illness. Young people are powerless over a lot of things beyond their control when living at home.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Yes, but I'll be in a regular school next year.

It's just hard for me to ignore this stuff, and I don't think it's the best idea for me. I just want to know if there's something bad going on inside of my head and if I need to get help for it.

I really do want to go to the doctor, but I just don't want to talk to my parents about it again.

Please consider this.

Sometimes, severe episodes of mania or depression include symptoms of psychosis (or psychotic symptoms). Common psychotic symptoms are hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of things not actually there) and delusions (false, strongly held beliefs not influenced by logical reasoning or explained by a person's usual cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms in bipolar disorder tend to reflect the extreme mood state at the time. For example, delusions of grandiosity, such as believing one is the President or has special powers or wealth, may occur during mania; delusions of guilt or worthlessness, such as believing that one is ruined and penniless or has committed some terrible crime, may appear during depression. People with bipolar disorder who have these symptoms are sometimes incorrectly diagnosed as having schizophrenia, another severe mental illness.