suicide??

Hi there,

I'm a life long bipolar, I was dx'd at 22 but had my first manic episode at 17.

When I was young they dx'd me with add. Now they are catching it much faster. Anger in children actually is sadness, being expressed, esp. if they hurt themselves. hitting the head, etc. So it could be a bipolar symptom. Sx for adults are different. The mood swings really start affecting the person, and they begin to realize at an older age, "Somethings not right". I think too much, or I self harm, or I get depressed for no reason. When we are young we think too much and it resembles add, and the meds are stimulates , which should never be given to a hidden dx of bipolar. This is something they need to fix. Such as ritalin, it is additive, thus, causing addiction at an early age to meds , or drugs. Plus the stimulate is all wrong for bipolar and can cause psychosis. This makes me very angry for the misdx's children.

I think too much, self harm, and get depressed for no reason a lot!! But I've been told many times not to self-diagnose myself, so I won't do that. I actually don't think I have bipolar or add, but I guess I can't really decide wether I do or don't.

But anyway, about my cousin, I haven't heard anymore about it, so I don't know if she's been re-diagnosed or what. She lives pretty far away, so i don't hear from her or her family much. I hope they can get it all straightened out though 'cuz that's gotta be hard for a nine-year-old.

Thanks,

~element

yeah, Element, you need to figure out why you feel you have to self harm.

There are many reasons for this. but it needs to be addressed. It is obviously bothering you, and it would me too. But I know I have bpd and if I self harm, and I only have in the past in a more subtle way, with drugs, that is over now for many years, it was out of pain. I felt I needed to be punished. Then there are those who do it to kill the pain they feel inside.

There is alot of literature on it on the net, but like you said it's not good to self dx, but it wouldn't hurt to learn. You might find a clue in the articles that triggers your reason.


here's a start
http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=n ... =self+harm


SElf dx'ing and self awareness are very different.

Thanks ddee!

I felt I needed to be punished. Then there are those who do it to kill the pain they feel inside.

I do it for both reasons. I get angry at myself so I do it, and then other times I'm just so depressed and it seems to help for some odd reason. Only I feel guilty after, which can in the long run lead to me doing it again.

I really hope I can get this under control. Well, not under control, I wish I could just STOP doing it!!

I'm just waiting for summer. And in the summer if I still have these problems, maybe i'll get some help for it. IDK though. Sometimes I think I have the power to just stop hurting myself, but when it actually happens it's just like...an impulse, or something. It's like I can not control it. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but that's the way it feels.

Well, I have to go, but I just want to say that I appreciate all advice and support from you guys!! THANKS!!

~element

I used to always give in to my impulses. In my case it was the bottle. I drank over everything. There was no reasoning with myself. AA took care of my drinking. To control our impulse to drink we do certain things to get some control:

-One day or one hour at a time. We do not quit forever, but just for a period of time. At times we put off taking a drink one minute at a time. Element, you may want to try the same type of thinking.

-We self-distruct when we have time on our hands. We try to keep busy, especially trying to help others. Once the wheels of our mind start turning we are dangerous.

-We try to help others by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. By telling others how we stayed away from booze, it helps us. I can not explain why this helps, but it is the core of our program. Even if we are just off of booze for one day, we may have something to say to help someone who has not stopped yet.

-Eventually we do 12 steps to help us get at the reasons why we drank. Drinking was not the problem, it was just the symptom. Element, your cutting may not be the problem, there are reasons why you cut. A good counselor could help you with that.

I hope this helps you. I do not know too much else to say.
Jim S

Jim, in my opinion, is exactly correct. Cutting in itself is not your issue....your "issue" is what brings you to the decision of harming yourself in the first place. When you are doing well you don't just sit down for the hell of it and start harming yourself. You are focused on positive aspects of life and not ways to self destruct. So I can't stress to you enough that you need to bring yourself around to the idea of starting to deal w/ some of the things "on your plate". And it may turn out to be that what you have on your plate...as you break it down a step at a time....is not all that bad to face....but right now I suspect you simply don't understand how to seperate each thing out and what "deal w/" means for you. I know I went through that. Everyone tells you "get help"...learn how to "deal" w/ your issues. In my case I had some pretty nasty things to deal w/. But I just wanted to scream..."what the hell does "deal with it" mean excactly????" I think the answer to that is different for everyone. How people handle issues, stress, etc. is different for each individual. You need help learning what method of "dealing" is right for you. Maybe it's just sitting down and talking things out w/ someone, maybe it's getting the prespective of a professional to provide you new ways of looking at each individual "issue" or "stress" before you ...ways you'd not considered before...and then following that up w/ methods you can do on your own to actually handle those types of situations...goals to set for yourself and just little activities, etc. that you can apply to certain situations. Maybe it's attending some classes....often times local hospitals and doctor clinics will offer things such as stress management, anger management, etc. type classes that teach you ways to break "stress" down in your life...examine things and learn little techniques on how to better balance your life. Maybe it's that your plate is too full and when you take on too much...it's like sensory overload....it all feels so overwhelming and you just feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders to bear alone. Well....if you could have someone ...first of all..help you look at each of the things you feel affect you negatively...all one by one...a step at a time...then from there help you decide what is an ok amount of things for you to take on in your life...help you sort of clear out some of the clutter so to speak...see where you can weed out some of the things you try to jam into a day. Then you can also have help in trying to just learn effective ways of handling your own emotions when you start to feel overwhelmed. Be it creative ways to destress yourself...acticities...physical...maybe breathing techniques. There are SO many possibilities to consider

It is so easy when we feel overwhelmed w/ things in our life...be it our daily routines or actual emotional issues we are dealing w/....to rather then try and take each one in it's own time and deal w/ it start to finish...to sit down in a room and suddenly start to add them all up...that mental attitude of you know what...I don't feel right....why? well...and then you start to do this mental list...trying to justify why you feel as you do emotionally...suddenly things that normally wouldn't bring you down...you are adding in your list. You find yourself over analyzing every single aspect of your life and what could have actually started out as only a small list of things to go through is now seemingly this huge list and you can't help but feel like EVERYTHING in your life is bringing you down and against you. It's easy to quickly depress yourself further and further. And then every new thing that comes your way...even things that could be viewed as positive....you start to feel like "my god when will it stop...I can't take anymore"....it's like a downward spiral that the sooner you start to deal w/...the easier it will become to take things in stride and less likely to consume you.

Thanks Jim and Angel!!
I think the only way that I'm gonna be released from this stress, is by finishing school. 'cuz school IS the stress. I don't mind cleaning up my room and practicing my piano. Those sort of things don't stress me out. It's just school. I have a somester to do in 7 weeks. I mean what do you expect. And I'm just gonna be like this until it's over. I'm gonna continue to have annoying mood swings, "self-destructive behavior", and suicidal thoughts, until school is over. And I don't have time to talk to a therapist. After school is over, if I'm still having problems, then I'll consider it, but not right now.

I really appreciate all of your advice and everything, but as for now, I don't think I'm gonna do anything about this 'cuz the only option that I really have is to finish school. My anger is about school. My depression is mostly about school. And when I get depressed during the summer, it's not really that extreme. But if it is this summer, then I'll think about doing something about it.

Next year, when I'm in public school, I won't be as stressed out as I am now, because I won't have a somester to do in 7 weeks. I'm not saying that I won't be stressed out at all, but just not as much. And if I am really stressed out and depressed then, I'll have more time to look for ways to take care of it and to help myself.
Sometimes my depression doesn't start from thinking about things (although it does a lot of the time), but sometimes I just feel really bad. Like I'll get up to take a shower or something, and I'm feeling happy and I get in the shower, start washing my hair, and suddenly I feel terrible and I want to cry. It's like I can't find what triggers it, but I think it may just be what's in the back of my mind. I'm sure a councelor could help me with that, but I don't want to go to one unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary!!

Thanks for your advice and everything!! I really do appreciate it!!

I'm really depressed right now!! I'm overwhelmed and frustrated. I've been begging God to help for the past 7 months and I feel like he doesn't care about me. I feel like he's just trying to put as much pressure on me as he can without making me pop. I know that isn't true but it's how I feel. I know that all of this is happeneing for a reason but it's hard for me because I can't see why. I feel so alone right now. I want my mom to come in here and hug me, but she's baby-sitting right now, and I don't want her to know how upset I am. I just need a hug from someone. I don't feel good at all. I've been crying for like 10 minutes or so, and no one even knows. I feel so bad!! I'm not getting as much school done in a day as I need to, and I'm just really upset right now. I feel basically no motivation whatsoever right now, and it SUCKS!! I'm proud of myself though 'cuz I almost started beating my arm, but I resisted. I'm trying to look at every little accomplishment, 'cuz I really need to see that I am accomplishing some things right now. I'm so upset!! Dang I'm so upset!! I'm sitting here beggin' God for mercy, begging life for mercy, and I feel like I'm getting none whatsoever. Sometimes I don't think anyone understands how I feel at times like these. I bet you can't name anyone else in the world who's had to do a somester of school in 7 weeks to avoid working all summer when her sister will get out in 7 weeks no problem. It's gonna suck so bad to have to work all of June AT LEAST, when my sister is out, because I didn't do enough work during the year, and then I couldn't get it all done in 7 weeks. And this is the last summer that I'll have with her before she's goes off to college and leaves me. Sometimes I really HATE growing up. And sometimes it's fun. Being a teenager can suck really bad at times though. Like now. I'm such an emo loser. Now, I need to blow my nose, and there are no tissues in here, and I'm afraid that if I go into the other room, my mom will see me crying. Sometimes this line is exactly how I feel "So this is odd, the painful realization that all has gone wrong, and nobody cares at all"--dashboard confessional.

Well, at least I have two things to look foward to tonight. I'm going to church tonight to play piano for the little kids' choir, and My mom is taping smallville for me, which is my new favorite show.

I'm starting to feel a lot better, I just really need to blow my nose. I just needed to cry and let out some of my pain in a way other than hurting myself. Please pray that things will get better for me really soon!! Thanks everyone. And this summer, if I'm still having these problems, please bug me to death until I see a doctor/therapist about it!! Please!!

thanks to both of you!!

~element

later
I'm feeling SOOO much better now!! I'm okay now!!

k...I just logged on and yet have to go get my daughter in a few mins. I started to scan through your post (til I can get back to it in full detail later!)..........something jumps out at me about you.......read through your previous posts.....you jump back and forth....there are days you log on and you can just tell the weight of all on your plate is getting to you by the tone of your posts and things you say....then there are posts like this where you try to simplify things about your situation (well as far as I've been able to read thus far mind you...didn't get to the end yet) .........it's like you feel guilty for having these negative feelings/emotions and you try to tell yourself and those of us you've talked w/ that "hey....calm down...don't fret about me...I'm really ok and really I shouldn't complain....nothing is really all that bad".....etc. etc. etc. Get what I mean? You have nothing to apologize for or feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed about.

You talk about school being your only issue at this point....I won't argue that...don't know you personally to do so! And maybe it is the only thing behind what drives you right now...dictates these "down" feelings. But don't you see....again....I direct you back to some posts from before....when the big issue is bringing you down and you don't know how to handle it all affectively...it starts affecting the little things for you to that you can otherwise handle ok. Does that make sense?

That's why I stress to you DEAL WITH IT NOW instead of trying to push it back. You'll always have an excuse. You have an excuse now to just get through school and gee...you are sure that's the answer. But I am willing to bet money that come summer...you'll continue to push things off. You'll tell yourself ...well it could be two things....you could continue on and then try to argue it must never have been school in the first place that started all this for you...and find an excuse branched off from that to avoid doing anything...or you'll start to feel that eliviation of pressure and then convince yourself all is fine and you don't need to see anyone. So you'll go on like none of this current ever happened. Then fall will be here and it won't be long and you'll find yourself in the same boat you are now...only not only will you have all that new stuff before you....you'll start to reflect back to all this unsettled stuff now. I promise you, it will resurface only by then...your "hill" will have started to grow into a "mountain" before you to climb over.

Hope this helps. Have to run out now but I'll try to come back to the boards yet today and take your post down more in detail.


Oh by the way....I don't mean to imply I've got you all figured out. My style of writing comes off that way...that I know your situation and how I say things will play out...I think they will. No...it's not that....I'm just going off of thoughts and opinions that come into mind as I read your post...and relate to a lot actually...and present you w/ possible scenarios...let you think about them and if I turn out to be anywhere on track....well you can take those words into consideration when deciding what is right for you!!!

element, My goodness, you do have alot to do. anyone would be stressed, and I think that is your whole trigger right now.

I smoke, and everytime I get stressed I smoke, it's my outlet now. and a deadly one, tho slowly. I know I have to quit, but keep putting it off, cuz I have no other coping mechanisms. I used to pierce, out of pain and anger, frustration and confusion. I do understand how the old steppin on your foot to keep your head from hurting can seem real. It does help for awhile, but now when I look back I just needed some help. And I don't mean a doctor, I mean someone help me with all my CRAP. I was married, going to school, working full time, and was overloaded. Then I read on SM, and I realized what i was doing , and why. I stopped then and there. I found other ways of outletting. I even went to competition body building, the weights helped me to outlet my anger, then I would reward myself with a jacuzzi. Ahhhh, reward!!!!!! That is something my parents hadn't taught me. They focused on the bad, so I learned to too. Now I can do what I want , and I chose to reward myself for my hard work. My SM tilted subconsciencely that day to rewarding myself whenever I could. So I challenged myself more,and looked at that way instead of feeling overwhelmed. I focused on the results, instead of the effort. It helped me build self esteem, and even got me to the point of forgiveness. Once that happened, I didn't feel the need to harm myself at all. I just wanted to better myself. Almost an addiction.

When I get down, I sleep, or sit in the sun, I don't get down about it. I don't punish myself for what I can't control. I've just learned to live with it. It's a part of me, I'm bipolar and it's gonna happen. And it's gonna pass.

Time will pass by fast element. You hang tough, and hang with us pals, we care . and do understand, I don't worry anymore, so I'll just say, I'm concerned for you too hon.


((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

k...I just logged on and yet have to go get my daughter in a few mins. I started to scan through your post (til I can get back to it in full detail later!)..........something jumps out at me about you.......read through your previous posts.....you jump back and forth....there are days you log on and you can just tell the weight of all on your plate is getting to you by the tone of your posts and things you say....then there are posts like this where you try to simplify things about your situation (well as far as I've been able to read thus far mind you...didn't get to the end yet) .........it's like you feel guilty for having these negative feelings/emotions and you try to tell yourself and those of us you've talked w/ that "hey....calm down...don't fret about me...I'm really ok and really I shouldn't complain....nothing is really all that bad".....etc. etc. etc. Get what I mean? You have nothing to apologize for or feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed about.

You talk about school being your only issue at this point....I won't argue that...don't know you personally to do so! And maybe it is the only thing behind what drives you right now...dictates these "down" feelings. But don't you see....again....I direct you back to some posts from before....when the big issue is bringing you down and you don't know how to handle it all affectively...it starts affecting the little things for you to that you can otherwise handle ok. Does that make sense?

That's why I stress to you DEAL WITH IT NOW instead of trying to push it back. You'll always have an excuse. You have an excuse now to just get through school and gee...you are sure that's the answer. But I am willing to bet money that come summer...you'll continue to push things off. You'll tell yourself ...well it could be two things....you could continue on and then try to argue it must never have been school in the first place that started all this for you...and find an excuse branched off from that to avoid doing anything...or you'll start to feel that eliviation of pressure and then convince yourself all is fine and you don't need to see anyone. So you'll go on like none of this current ever happened. Then fall will be here and it won't be long and you'll find yourself in the same boat you are now...only not only will you have all that new stuff before you....you'll start to reflect back to all this unsettled stuff now. I promise you, it will resurface only by then...your "hill" will have started to grow into a "mountain" before you to climb over.

Hope this helps. Have to run out now but I'll try to come back to the boards yet today and take your post down more in detail.


Oh by the way....I don't mean to imply I've got you all figured out. My style of writing comes off that way...that I know your situation and how I say things will play out...I think they will. No...it's not that....I'm just going off of thoughts and opinions that come into mind as I read your post...and relate to a lot actually...and present you w/ possible scenarios...let you think about them and if I turn out to be anywhere on track....well you can take those words into consideration when deciding what is right for you!!!

Wow, you're good. lol You pick up on things!! Well, anyway. Usually, with people at church that I talk to about my problems, I end up making it sound like it's not a big deal to me 'cuz I feel bad for making them worry about me when they have there on problems. And I don't want to be a constant complainer. But with you guys I usually don't do that. It's just that the way I view things depends on what mood I'm in. When I'm in a posative happy mood, I think everything is okay, and I look at my problems at really no problem at all. But when I'm in a negative or depressed mood, I feel like everything is terrible. 'cuz when I'm happy even if I think about all that I have to do, I think I can do it 'cuz it's like at that time I have a ton of motivation. But when I'm depressed I"m lacking motivation and I feel like everything is terrible or hopeless.

I think I understand what you're saying, but I just don't know exactly what to do. I really want to wait until summer, because my mom thinks it's gonna solve everything, and if it doesn't then I can show her that I really do need to get help or whatever. And I think it may solve a lot too, but I'm not sure. But like I said before, I think this summer, I'm probably gonna get some books on handling stress and depression and stuff. And then if that doesn't help then I'll need to talk to a counselor or something. Do you think I should go to a doctor first, or just a counselor or what??

I know what you're saying about continuing to put things off. And I'm scared that you're right, but then again I don't know. 'cuz I don't see myself doing that, but then again I do. Remind me of that, this summer.

Well, I guess I'll tell you about yesterday, now. Let's just say it wasn't a great day. My great aunt died, one of my dad's friends just went to jail, and we aren't suer why. And all though this one isn't as important. I was taping smallville, while I was gone to church, and my daddy didn't know, and he changed the channel. So I decided to watch the first part, and I shouldn't have 'cuz I got really interested and then the rest was gone. So now I have no clue what happened to lex!! That's my favorite show now, and I don't watch tv much, but I did want to see that really bad. 'cuz the episode before it left me hangin'!! Oh, well. Maybe it'll come on again this weekend. You know how I told you that every time I think I'm at my limit, something else happens? Well I'm believing that more and more every day.

I'm really depressed today. I don't know exacly what it's about, but I just feel down in the dumps. I hate it when I get like this 'cuz I can't think of anything that I can do right now to pull myself out of this. Practicing my piano could possibly help but I'm not allowed to do that right now.

I don't know if I told you this or not, but my mom told me I can't try to lose weight anymore. That kind of sucks, because it would hurt me to lose 8 pounds!! But anway. She told me that it's okay to eat healthy though. Well what if I lose weight trying to eat healthy. I really want to lose 7 or 8 pounds!! That's all. But she thinks I'll become anorexic or something. It's really annoying. I mean I understand what she's saying, but it's just really annoying 'cuz i want to lose a few pounds. And I'm scared that if I don't, I'll gain weight. And I really do not want to do that!!

I'm really lacking motivation to do anything right now. I wish I could just sleep for a while. I'm not even that tired, but I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm not trying to be lazy, but I just feel depressed, and I don't feel like doing my school or anything else for that matter. I really feel like everything is going wrong right now. I have a test that I need to take before I can go any further in history. I have a quiz in science before I can do anymore of it. And I need my mom to help me with that stuff, and she hasnt' had time lately. I need to do a research paper, and that really sucks. 'cuz those things take forever to do. And I just don't know how much more I can take. I know he's not, but I feel like God is mad at me, and that's why I have all of this to do. Who knows though, maybe it'll make me a stronger person in the long run, but as for now it's just too hard. I wish I could just go throw up and go to bed and sleep for 3 hours and wake up to find out that everything is okay.

I know I shouldn't, but I really envy my sister at times. She get's to go off to school every day and spend time with her friends. She comes home and talks about what a good time she had with them at lunch and she shares all of the funny stories. Then she tells me how well she did on her tests and quizzes and how all of her teachers like her and how she's gonna be in a talent contest and if she does really well she may when 25, 50, or 75 dollars. And she tells me how she made such a great grade on her history class book report and didn't even read the book. I don't think she is trying to brag at all, and I am happy for her. But I just wish things were that easy for me. I have to work so hard to get a good grade. And if i do get a good grade, I usually get behind 'cuz I have to take extra time to learn the material. It really sucks. My mom says I don't study like I should. But I do try to study. I swear I'm just not good at it!!
thanks Angel, You think things through a lot!! I do that too!!

~element[/quote]