suicide??

I like what Angel wrote. I've been told many times over the years that I think too much. I have trouble letting go and just going with the flow of life. I read too much into my feelings and the beharior of other people. I think myself into depression. Exercise and church helps. Those activities give me a break from my constant analysis of things.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Yeah, I know what she was saying, but I don't know if it really applies to me in this case. I really do have a ton of stuff to do, and it really is stressful. I have to do a somester of school in 8 friggin' weeks!! I do over react to it though 'cuz it makes me wanna kill myself and cut myself and stuff like that. But I really do think that's a lot for one person to have to do, and as a teenager it's almost more than I can handle.

Thanks Jim, it's really nice to have you guys support me and encourage me. I don't know what I would do without this forum!! So thank you all for being there for me. I guess I do need to find someone around here that's an adult that I can talk to, but I just don't know who. I'm not comfortable talking to anyone about really personal feelings and everything yet.

~element

This has most definately been one of the worst days of my life. I have a whole friggin' somester of school to do in 8 weeks. And all of the classes are the equivilant of honors classes, and I'm just not meant for honors classes. My mind was constantly thinking about suicide today. I clawed myself, and it myself over and over and I wanted to cry but couldn't. Then when I could cry, I cried my eyes out and could hardly stop. I told my mom something to the effect of I'm stressed out. And she actually told me to get a hold of myself. Good grief!! I wonder what she'd say if she had seen me when I was really upset. I'm sorry, but she can just get over it. She doesn't know how I feel. No one does. And she had no right to say that to me. i mean I could understand her saying that if I had been freakin' out, but all I said was that I was stressed out or something like that. I was calm and everything!! Then I just told her to leave me alone and went to my room to work on MORE school. I'm getting up at five in the morning to do school tomorrow. I'm not telling her though 'cuz she'll get pissed off and tell me that I need sleep. Why the heck do I need sleep? I'm no longer living to enjoy life. I'm just living because I'm not allowed to die. I feel so sick--sick of everything. Nothing at all is going right today. I've eaten too much. It's a dreary day. My school isn't going well. And hey, school is my life now!! We're having noodles for supper, and I don't even want that. Yesterday I was having terrible pain in my side, and then I was put on pain relievers that made me feel sick. I sweat like a gallon of sweat last night. I was dizzy, and life just sucks. And that was pretty much a day waisted 'cuz I couldn't do school. I wish I could take a pill to make me stop feeling. Something that we numb me. I don't really wish that, but that's how I feel right now. I'm such an emo loser!! I need to get out of here so incredibly bad!! I think the only good thing that happened to me today was rolling two yahtzees on my hand held yahtzee game that I didn't have but like 5 minutes or less to play. I just want to kill myself!! I wish so badly that I could drown in the tears that my eyes are so desperately longing to cry. If only things would get better, but even if they do, it will be about 8 to 9 weeks before they do. How am I supposed to survive the next couple of months? Why do I have to? My life is a nightmare. Why don't I have any friends? Why am I such a loser? Why do I have to live?

~element

Hang in there. Eight weeks will be gone before you know it. Next year, when you are in regular school. you will probably find it much easier and a lot more fun. Sometimes we have to work our butts off for a while. People in the miltary have to get through boot camp. Doctors have to live on next to no sleep at all when they do their resident training. They told me this too, shall pass. Of course nothing ever goes fast enough.

I was thinking about your school work. Do you keep some sort of schedule like work an hour, take a five minute break then work some more? You might do better if you kept yourself to some sort of schedule. Maybe the same schedule that people in regular school keep. Or maybe do like most people who work full time--8 hours plus time for lunch and breaks. At any rate you need to build in some breaks. If something is extra hard, you may want to build in a brek ever 15 minutes. I'm trying to learn petrology with just a college textbook. Sometimes I can only take it for 10 minutes at a time. But I do go back after a break.
Good Luck,
Jim S

thanks Jim, I'm feeling a lot better today!!

My mom said that my 9-year-old cousin was just dianosed with add, but that the meds that she has been given aren't working. And they say that she may have bipolar disorder instead of ADD. IDK. Then she said that my aunt doesn't believe her daughter has Bipolar Disorder because she thinks she would throw bigger temper tantrums and that would last longer than a few hours. And my mom said "so that means you probably don't have it either". Or something to that affect. I didn't know she even thought there was a possibility that I could have it anymore!! I guess so though. IDK. I told her that I didn't think you'd necessarily have to have long temper tantrums to have bipolar disorder. I may not have it. Probably don't, but if she thinks there is any chance that i do or that something is wrong, she needs to take me to a doctor or something. I think I'm gonna wait until schools out, and then when that stress is gone, if I'm still having these problems, I'll ask her to take me to the doctor.

~element

You can't just dismiss a diagnosis over one symptom; not sure if temper tantrums really have anything to do w/ bipolar. From what I've been told...bipolar tends not to even be diagnosed til later in life....you need to have some history established...it's pretty complex to accurately diagnose. And having said that, I'm not trying to say that no adolescense are ever diagnosed or that the ones out there that have been diagnosed are that out there w/ incorrect diagnosis hanging over their heads.

As well as you can't dismiss something so quick based on one symptom...you shouldn't rush to assume that you are dealing w/ something based on one symptom. There are SEVERAL factors taken into consideration when a dr. gives a diagnosis. A person can have many symptoms of a particular something but at the same time not be dealing w/ that due to other factors only a professional can understand and take into account.

As you can see...I'm a big advocate when it comes to NOT trying to self diagnose.

I honestly believe...at least from how you post lately and the things you write about....now mind you I"M NO PROFESSIONAL...just my take on things from where I've been.....BUT....my suggestion is to stop stressing that you are going to walk in to a counselor's office and walk out w/ some big label hanging over your head. I honestly believe that it's most likely that you are dealing w/ some very normal "stresses" that can happen at your age. But that unfortunatly for you, you are not as equipped as some people are in trying to handle that much of a load or begin to understand it. I bet if you had, first of all; less of a load to deal w/...and second of all....a better understanding of how to manage it all and deal w/ the stresses....I would bet you'd do a lot better then you feel you are now. It's truly not uncommon to feel stressed at your age w/ the type of load you carry. And it's certainly not uncommon to have these issues weigh on you heavy enough that you start to feel depression on some level...frustration...weighted down by the world. You'd be shocked to know just how common that is. But again...that doesn't mean you are good at handling it! That's the key...AGIAN IN MY OPINION!!!....that you learn how to balance the load you have....maybe even learn areas you can cut back a little so things don't seem so overwhelming to you all the time.

Just my opinions! Again I remind in excess...I'm not a professional. I've been through a lot though and so from that....this is where my opinion comes from. You can take that as it is offerred up

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I agree with you too. I'm not trying to diagnose myself, and I don't know about my mom. But I just feel like if she thinks there is a chance that something's not quite right with me, she should take me to the doctor. And she should talk about it with me more. 'cuz I want to talk about it, but whenever I try, she just sort of drops the subject quickly. And it bothers me, but anyway. I don't know what to do about it. I try to tell her how I feel sometimes, but I don't think she knows how to deal with it. IDK.

I don't think I'm even gonna ask her to take me to a doctor or counselor until schools over though. 'cuz when schools over, I may not have any more problems. I'll probably just get some books about reducing stress and stuff. It may end up helping me a lot. And if I'm still having problems with suicidal thoughts and self-injury, then I'll get her to take me to get some help. I don't think I'm gonna let her find out about the SI though. She'd be so upset and dissapointed in me.

BTW, I hope your daughters birthday party went well!!

~element

Today SUCKS!!

I'm so tired. I wish things would just get better!! I'm so depressed!!

~element

Gah, today has been pretty crappy!! I'm so sick of--everything!! I wish things would just get better. I had a good time at wal-mart today, and I saw a really cute guy, but the rest of my day was crappy. And my sister was being mean to me at wal-mart. She's always calling me names and crap, and I'm so dang sick of it. I love her, she's my best friend, but can't she be a little nicer? Whatever, that's no big deal. I love my sister. She rocks!!

But, anyway, the rest of my day has thoroughly sucked!! I'm about to have to make my bed, so that [/i]my sister can sleep in it. Which is okay, but I want to sleep in it! I hate the stupid cot. I'm so sick of everything!!