suicide??

well, I am now getting over the flu. Thankfully, I'm feeling pretty well emotionally. I'm just pretty much drained of all energy that I had before I got this flu.

In a way I'm greatful for getting this 'cuz I'm getting a much needed break. On the other hand, however, I'm getting more behind in school and I've felt pretty crappy for the past few days.

And angel, if you are reading, I'd like your opinion on the thing that I wrote about feeling crazy and paraniod.

~element

I'm feeling a little bit down right now. It could be A LOT worse and probably will be later. Public schools (my sister's school) finished their 3rd nine weeks yesterday. I'm still trying to finish my second nine weeks. How the heck am I doing this. I can't believe I haven't beat myself into the ground yet. I'm so upset right now. I just want to beat myself. I hate myself sometimes. And now this stupid flu is making it even harder for me to finish. I've had so many thoughts lately about just ending it all. I know it's not what I really want though. I would never do it. I've been tempted to many times lately to just hurt myself really bad. I talked to that lady at my church. I really didn't go into any details. I just told her that I"m really struggling right now. I told her about being WAY behind in school and that I've been getting really angry at myself lately. She gave me some great reasons why I shouldn't get angry at myself. Unfortunately, I already know that I shouldn't get angry at myself. I just can't flippin' help it. If you were me, wouldn't you be mad at yourself?? I know hurting myself isn't gonna help anything, but it's really hard not to just hit myself. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm so stupid. I just hate myself at times. I don't like myself. I don't want to be like this anymore. I miss the old me. I just feel like a lifeless zombie at times. And I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm so jealous of other people. And I get frustrated at myself. I know my life really isn't that bad at all. I should just freakin' be thankful for 5 minutes. My heart is just breaking. I feel so hurt. Sometimes I just ask myself "what the heck is wrong with me?? Why doesn't anyone like me? Why don't I have friends?" And then sometiem, I think "it makes perfect sense for me to have hardly any friends. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like myself." And sometimes I decide that I don't need friends. But I've finally figured out that that's just not true. I probably have a lot more friends then I realize I have, but I just feel so empty at times. I feel like I have no friends. I just feel like my whole life is an emotional struggle lately. I hope this doesn't last for the rest of my teen years. And I hope I don't feel so lonely for that long either.

I really just want to change. Sometimes I think I have changed, but eventually i realize that I haven't. I just don't know what the heck to do. I've been praying about this for so long, but I'm just not seeing any change. I know that there's probably some answer right now. Just something really obvious out there, but I'm totally and completely missing it. And I just htink I'm gonna look back years from now and I'm gonna see something that I'm not seeing now. I just wish I could see it now.

Is my life really simple? Am I just making it complicated? I've tried to stop making things complicated. Why isn't it working? What am I doing wrong? Am I doing nothing wrong? Life is confusing to me. Once again I must ask, is it really confusing/complicated, or am I making it that way. Does it really matter? Oh just forget it. Who cares?

I miss something right now. And I don't know what it is. It could be more than one thing. I don't know. I just know that I really miss something. I can't really describe this feeling. I don't know how. But I'm doing the best that I can. It's like there was something that I loved or something that just made me very happy. And now it's gone. But I have no clue what it was. And maybe I never even knew that it was there. Maybe it was something that I took for granted. But now that it's gone, I realize how much it meant to me. I don't know what I'm longing for. But I know that I'm longing for something. I"m finding that growing up comes with all sorts of new emotions. Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. Some of them are just odd. But they are all confusing to me. None of them are easy to describe.

~element

btw, to make matters worse. I just discovered that I have quite a few library books overdue. I know things could be so much worse. I've gotta cheer up!

I am so sick of hurting myself!

I left a pretty bad mark on my stomach today. It's ugly, and I feel pretty bad about it. I don't know why I do this. First I got a little metal thing and scratched it across my skin about 2 inches above my belly button. I always wear modes clothes, so I thought it would be a good place to hide it. I clawed around the first scratch and just aggravated it until it left a nice pink spot that's feeling pretty sore right now. I feel so guilty about it. I mean I know it's nothing in comparison to what I wanted to do. So I guess I should be proud of myself for not doing what I wanted to do, but I just can't be proud of myself right now. Why would anyone want to hurt their own body? It's just like when I get the urge to do it, I can not stop. I just have no control. I probably actually do have control, but I don't feel like I do. It's like I just get this rush of energy and I hurt myself. Sometimes I can let that energy out by squeezing my pillow, but it just keeps coming back until I've hurt myself and sometimes it comes back again and i hurt myself again. And the whole time I'm just thinking of worse things that I could do to myself. I thought about suicide so much today. I'm so stressed out. I just don't understand 'cuz sometimes I feel so full of hope and joy. I just feel like everything is gonna be okay, and other times I just feel like life is a waiste and that things are only gonna get worse.

I've been working on my self-esteem. I'm trying to learn to love myself more and to stop beating myself up...both physically and emotionally. But when I get in certain moods, I have no desire to love myself. All I can see is my flaws. And I just hate myself so much at times. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to get help. And other times I want it badly but i'm just too afraid to get it.

I really just don't know what I'm gonna do. I guess I'm just gonna go on and things will get better. I'm feeling pretty good right now, but I'm also feeling a little bit guilty.

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed and everything. I've been studying something for the longest time and I just can't memorize it. I'm really overwhelmed. I can't stop thinking about suicide. I need to get out of my house before...well I just need to get out. I've been thinking about cutting a lot today. I haven't done anything yet though. Maybe part of my problem is that all I've eaten today was an 8 ounce glass of milk for breakfast and one pear for lunch. I'm hungry, but I'm trying to ignore it. I want to lose weight. Not too much, but I just want to lose down to 120. My legs are too fat and my arms aren't great either. And my abdomin isn't as great as I'd like it to be. I would love to excersice instead of just cut way down on my food intake, but I have no time for excersizing. Maybe I can get something going with it sometimes soon, but I just don't know. I've been so busy lately. I just feel like life is adding more and more stress to me and it's just gonna keep doing it until I pop. Or maybe I'll just have to handle a ton of stress and be on the verge of popping forever. The only thing that I can think of to stop all of this is to just kill myself. If I'm dead, it won't matter if my legs are getting flabby, it won't matter if I have a lot of school that i never did. And I will no longer have anything to worry about. But I refuse to do that to my family. And on this beautiful, sunny, warm day I know that I don't really want to die. But I do want some way to get out. I have so much to do. No one in the world understands how it's making me feel. No one really knows just how much I have to do. I feel like heck. I just wanna throw up right now. I'm discusted with myself for getting so behind in school. And I'm just sick of everything. And I'm discusted with myself for not being content. I just miss being happy. I can't say that I don't remember being happy. 'cuz I do. I was happy Saturday, and Monday evening, and part of yesterday. But other times, I just don't want to live anymore. I really need to get out of this house. My mom said she may take me to wal-mart this evening. I surely hope so 'cuz I can't just sit around here for very much longer. Unfortunately it will be a while 'til I get to go--if I get to go. My room is once again a mess, and I'm becoming convinced that there is no point in cleaning it. My sister shares a room with me every other week, and she's not a neat freak at all. She's really messy. I love her, but I'm a very organized person and it is so incredibly hard to share a room with someone who doesn't care if the room that she's staying in is clean or not. And I put so much hard work into it to make it clean. Not all of the mess is hers, but a large portion of it is. And even if it's not, sometimes I can't clean up my stuff because her's is in the way. Okay, I guess I'm just venting now. But anyway, I'm just not feeling great. This isn't nearly as bad as it was monday morning though. Gah, I seriously thought I was gonna hurt myself badly.

Okay, so I feel pretty bad. Thankfully it's a sunny day, and that helps some. I'm dying for something to eat. Preferabbly something sweet and fattening like a candy bar or a slice of cheesecake. Or something like a big cheeseburger would also be great. Or french fries. Or a sub sandwhich. Gah, i'm hungry. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't want anything, but I really do. I just don't want the calories. I've tried just chewing tasty food and then spitting it out, but it's just not the same as swallowing it!! I thought I could swallow low-calorie foods, and just chew high calorie ones, but it doesn't work. I can't do that. Swallowing my food is half the fun. I know I sound stupid, but seriously, it is. I know that 128 pounds isn't that bad for someone 5'7", but I still want to lose weight. I had almost gotten down to 120 when I was dieting a few months or more ago. I had gotten down to 123, but then I gained it back. And now, I just want to weigh 120 again. I don't know if I can do it though. I'm trying to resist the strong temptation to go fix a sandwhich. I've only had 240 calories today. But I still have to eat supper, and I'm not sure what my mom is going to fix. Hopefully something that doesn't have many calories. I hope my dad doesn't want to take us out for supper today 'cuz it's gonna be hard to order a salad when they're all eating cheeseburgers. I don't think I could do it. Dieting is so incredibly hard, especially when I'm stressed out to high heaven. No one on earth knows how I feel. I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I am getting so frustrated, I just can't take this anymore.

~element

Sorry to hear you are still feeling so down. Have you made a choice to talk to your parents or someone and try to work through all of this?

You mentioned you would rather do exercise then cut your food intake. Actually an effective weight loss plan goes both ways. Evaluate not only your portions, but your choices. Start there. IF you are eating reasonable portions at each meal and feel you are making healthy choices, then yes...exercise goes along w/ that. and you'd be surprised what you can do when it comes to exercise. First and foremost, any is typically better then none. Do you have exercise equipment in your home...stationary bike, treadmill, stairclimber, etc.? 20mins a day is a great place to start. Think about how much time you spend in your room sitting, reading, etc. That is time that could be spend...again, even as little as only 20mins. a day of effective exercise goes a long way compared to nothing at all. ....do you watch tv? Here again...cut 20mins. out of that and make exercise your choice. People are so quick to say they don't have time...but either they don't want to make time...because lets face it...for some people...it just sucks!! I can think of more fun things to do! But you get into it...you might find just the right activity you like! Take a walk after dinner...after you get home from school, etc. If you live close enough to something where you'd normally just hop in the car....walk or ride your bike there instead next time. Do you have access to a place where you can go swim laps? I could go on and on w/ examples!! Join a sport at school...you'd get a great workout in your practices! If a person wants to exercise as part of their weight loss or maintenance program bad enough....if you truly consider your day's time management schedule and your many choices as to what is actually a form of exercise...you might be surprised to find out what you can work into your day. Exercise does not have to be hard core right from the get go and = to an hour or more at the gym w/ intense work outs! Even the least effective choices are better then sitting in front of the tv or what have you!!!!!
And I like Jim's advice about exercise which he shares often....he always makes one of the best points in that it's not just great for you physically but you won't believe the positive changes for you emotionally!

I love to excersize, but seriously, most of my time is spent on school, and I spend time practicing my piano and talking to you guys when I'm depressed and stuff. I am planning on excersizing a lot this summer though. I love going outside and riding my bike and playing ball and stuff. And if we had a treadmill, I can almost guarantee that I'd be on it all of the time 'cuz I love treadmills too. It's just hard for me to find time to do it. I know it would be good for me though. And it'd make me feel a lot better.

I'm feeling somewhat better right now.

Sometimes just having someone nice to talk to helps me. And you always make me feel happier than I was feeling before.

I still haven't decided on if I'm gonna talk to my parents or not. Right now I'm thinking I'm just gonna wait until summer and see if things have improved any.

Next year, when I go to public school, I think I'm gonna have to do P.E., so that should help some. I really don't want to have to do P.E. though 'cuz I don't want to have to dress out in the same room with a bunch of other people. But, I guess I'm gonna have to. I had thought about running track to, but I'll be getting a job next year. Hopefully, I'll have enough time to excersize more at home then though 'cuz my school work won't be piled up to the ceiling.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I feel so much better after talking to you!! The name angel suites you 'cuz you're really good at making people feel better. And you are also good at pointing out my problems in a sweet way that doesn't make me feel bad.

~element

btw, Angel, will you please give me your opinion on my thread "Feeling crazy..." I really would like to know what you think about that and if you have any advice or antyhing.

I am stressed out to high heaven, I kid you not. I have more school than you could ever imagine, and such a short time to get it all done. I have a piano thing coming up, and I have to have 9 songs memorized and then I play one that I wrote, but anyway, one of the songs my teacher accidentally over-looked, and now I have to memorize it and have it sounding great by a week from tomorrow. I told you that every time I think I'm as stressed out as possible, something else happens. This is really starting to get to be too much for me. I also have a recital in May. I can't give that stuff up because playing piano is one of the most important things to me. But I can't give up school, because, well, I just can't do that. I have so much to do, and I'm trying to take it one step at a time, but it's not helping much. I am so stressed out. I have a wedding shower to go to for my cousin's fiance tomorrow. Wow, I just have so much to do. If I wasn't SOOOOOO FAAAARRR behind in school then I could have that song perfectly memorized no problem, but it's gonna be much harder with so much school to do. My teacher thinks I'll be fine with it, and I probably will be able to memorize it, but it's just gonna be hard to do. And some of the other 9 songs aren't as good as they need to be yet. My room is a mess. Heck, my life is just a mess right now. I know this is all minor stuff, but for a 14 year-old, this is pretty hard!! I know this sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like spider-man. Yeah, so that sounds really funny, but I do at times. I mean, I have so much to do, and people never understand. And a lot of people don't know what I do with my time. My parents don't even know what I'm doing with my time all of the time. I'm just so stressed out right now. I'm pretty good at covering it up when I go places though. Like at church, no one knows that I'm extremely stressed out and that I've been getting depressed so much. They only know if I tell them. I'm great at pretending to be happy and fine. I usually am happy at youth group though. I can actually forget my problems when I'm there and just have a good time playing games and singing and stuff. So I'm not always just hiding my true feelings, but sometimes that is the case. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself. But sometimes I just have to let my selfish self-pity feelings out. And I'd rather not go tell one of my friends how bad I feel and how everything sucks for me 'cuz things could be so much worse, and I don't want to be thought of as a complainer.

Well, I had only eaten 360 calories yesterday, and I was sort of happy about that, and then my mom found out and she made me eat again. I ate an apple pie then, so that was 290, so in all I had 650 calories, so I guess that isn't that bad. She's worried that if I don't eat more I'll become anorexic, so whatever. I guess I'll just have to slow the process of losing weight.

I can't quit thinking about suicide. I know it's usually not wise to take the easy way out, but it's still tempting. I'm not gonna do it though. I have hurt myself since, Monday, I think. I take that back, I scratched my arm yesterday, but it wasn't bad at all. It was tiny. So, who really cares? As long as I don't do anything worse then that, I should be fine.

Wow, I'm so stressed out. I've heard many tips on how to reduce stress, but I don't have time for any of that stuff. I dont' have time to take a bubble bath and read a book. I don't have time to do that kind of thing. I'm way too busy. I really shouldn't even be typing now. Good bye, I have to go.

~element

Element,

I will get back to you but it might take a bit. Just getting my oldest daughter over "pink eye", my youngest over an "ear infection", and myself over "strep throat"...all hit in one week!! As well as tomorrow is my youngest daughter's b-day and I'm cleaning house like mad (cuz that's my nature!) for her b-day party this evening w/ her grandparents. CAN'T WAIT!!! Anyway...needless to say I've had limited time to be on the boards as of late. So hang in there and I will get back to you.

However...I will ALWAYS stress to you that in feeling like this...you seek out an adult that you know personally and TALK about this. You need to go beyond these boards....don't abandon them...but go beyond them and reach out to a real person in your world. I think sometimes it's easy when you feel a bit down to start looking at every aspect of our lives, no matter how big or small and start looking for something in it that could explain away the feeling of stress or a sadness type emotion. Sometimes I think we over analyze some of the details of our lives to the point we convince ourselves that our situation is worse then it is or that we are dealing w/ something we are not. It's very common and very easy to do. Does that make your feelings any less important if you are doing something like this? NO! You just need to learn how to handle the stress that comes up naturally in life better. You need help in understanding it and learning effective ways to deal w/ it so that it doesn't all seem like it comes at you all at once and doesn't seem so overwhelming.

K. That's all I can say for now. Again...I'll be back soon.

okay, I understand, but I hope you can get back to me pretty soon 'cuz I need someone to talk to, and I don't have any adults around right now other than my parents.