suicide??

Hi,

I'm feeling really terrible today. It's still not as bad as it has gotten before, but it's not very good. I didn't hurt myself TOO much. Just punched myself a few times. I doubt it even left a mark. I cried for a good while though. I kept trying to learn a bunch of school stuff, and my mind wouldn't memorize it. So I felt like a stupid loser. And it hurt my feelings that I couldn't get anything done today. So I layed on my bed a cried. I feel asleep for about 6 minutes or so. When I woke up, I felt good enough to sit back down at the computer and try to work on my school stuff. But then I got badly depressed again. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. I stared at a bottle of window cleaner for a while, and wondered if it could kill me or not. Gah, I feel guilty talking about this. I feel so guilty about being depressed and junk. Especially about hitting myself and having suicidal thoughts. I kept myself convinced that suicide wasn't the answer though. I know it's not.

Thanks for commenting. It helps more than you'll ever know. As you can see, I've decided not to leave the forum yet. I may change my mind again though. I change my mind constantly about everything.

I don't think anyone knows how bad I'm hurting at times.

I don't know how much longer I can take this homeschooling crap. I just can't stand being this lonely. I'm about to cry right now!! I hate being in my room by myself all day with no one to talk to. And all I can do is dwell on things that I don't need to dwell on. I prayed and prayed that my dad would come home and say "let's go out to eat. Or let's spend some time together". No such luck. I know he's working hard for us, but I miss spending time with my family. He goes to work, works all day, comes home and works more. I feel so empty right now. I just want to cry.

Thank you so much for commenting again. I'm sorry that I can't make up my mind about anything.

~element

Hi element,

first of all....what you are feeling is 100% normal. I'd say it sounds like you are dealing w/ a lot of various stressors. This is totally normal for people of every age! Problem for you is that you are obviously having a hard time knowing how to cope w/ it all. And unfortunatly for you....it comes through in you as depressed feelings....mixed emotions...every changing emotions. Again...this is normal!

Have you thought of talking w/ your parents about how you feel? And this time I don't mean so much to sit down and have a heart to heart "dear mom and dad did you know I cut myself and feel suicidal...gee can I see a counselor" kind of chat!! Although at some point, all joking aside, I do feel you need to have that talk too.

But rather, what I mean is have you talked to them about your feelings on home schooling? Would you like to try public school? Do you feel that the manner in which you are home schooled keeps you from making friendships? I'm not too familiar w/ homeschooling...but the MOPS group I belong too (Moms Of Preschoolers) has quite a few mom's that homeschool their children. I've heard from them that it is what you make of it (the parents that is) and there are, at least around here, plenty of opportunities for them to get together w/ other mom's (or dads) that homeschool so the kids get their needed social time and opportunities to form bonds and friendships w/ their peers. It really doesn't have to be all about keeping you out of the social circle...not saying that's why parents do this...but sometimes that does happen. Another thing I have heard these parents talk about is that they homeschool their children in groups...well..I've heard a few things they do...some homeschool their kids in the areas they know and feel they can effectively teach...for the rest of the classes...they send their children to public school ...certain days/hours per week to get those classes...so that is giving them some interaction w/ other students via the public school system w/out having them in it full-time. Other parents I've heard ...they don't go through the public schools....but they teach in small groups...what they feel they can't effectively teach their child...they send them to another parent in the group and that parent who has those skills teaches those courses. Or like I first mentioned...many get together just for the social aspect as a group and the kids get to meet other kids that way. There are so many ways to handle it as I'm hearing about!! Obviously I'm now aware in what manner you are homeschooled...but if you feel you are not having enough opportunity to get out and meet kids your age...or if you do have friends but you feel that for other reasons you are not getting enough time w/ them....TALK w/ your parents. They may not even realize that you've had these feelings and concerns and together maybe you can come to some sort of arrangement that works for all of you. ...that you all feel comfortable w/. And offer up your suggestions on a trial basis to them. Say, for example, you feel you want to give public school a try. Ask your parents if you can try summer school and see how it goes...or ask if you can try first quarter of next semester and see what they think of your achievements there, etc. Provide them w/ goals you'll promise to work towards...come up w/ some sort of game plan w/ them. See if they go for that. But approach them to talk...not demand! Maybe the 3 of you can work out something.

W/ your dad....yes...he's busy..but he has a family he needs to spend time w/ outside of work. Believe me....I understand trying to keep the finances of a family working...boy do I know that...I've been a stay-at-home mom 5 years next week and it's been hard on our budget having only my husband working..despite his having a good job. BUT we have financial needs of our kind for a reason...because we have a FAMILY and my husband very much wants ..as well as understands..his need to be there for the girls. Maybe he can't spend as much time as he wants w/ them on a nightly basis...but he can be there extra time w/ them on weekends....certain nights of the week when it can't be all...you get the idea. And you are a teen now..many teens start to isolate away from their parents. Maybe your father doesn't even realize your desire to spend more time w/ him. If you don't communicate that w/ him...he can't always know there is a problem....you should never assume what a person thinks or should know! Maybe he should know...but it would seem he doesn't...or maybe just needs a reminder. Maybe he feels akward about exactly what to do when spending time w/ you! You won't know til you talk w/ him/your mom about this.

I can't stress the need for conversation/communication enough in a family. And even though it seems hard or awkward..until you overcome that...bite the bullet and go to them and talk...nothing will ever get solved.

Hi Angel,

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I just woke up, and I usually feel good when i first wake up.

About the homeschooling thing, we aren't in it with other people. We used to be involved in "homeschool" groups when I was little, but not anymore. I have told my mom how much I hate being homeschooled. Actually, I tell her almost every day. So I'll be able to go to public school next year. Only problem, waiting for next year. School has been stressing me out so bad. And I've been so lonely lately. I'm sick of hitting myself and junk. I'm sick of having lots and lots of thoughts about suicide. I think you are right in saying that all of my emotions and all are normal, but I dont' know how to cope with things. Or I know how, but I just don't do it in the way that I should. But yes, I am going to public school next year. Thank GOD!!!

My dad sat down with us and watched some tv last night. So that made me feel a lot better. My sister and I have always been close to my dad (and mom) and he knows that we won't to spend time with him. I think that's why he decided to sit down and watch tv with us last night. That's not the only thing that we do to spend time with each other though. We also play games, go out to eat, and other stuff like that. It's just hard for my dad to find time. You see, he works as a mechanic, comes home and works as a mechanic, and on the weekends he plays music. But anyway, he did make time for us last night.


Thanks for the advice. Your advice is always appreciated.

As always, please, please pray for me. I think today will be a better day, but I don't know. Every time I think about how far behind I am in school, I either do bad things to myself, or think about doing bad things to myself.

Well, thanks again.

~element

Have you been evaluated to make sure you'll be on the same "page" as the other students when you come into public school next year? You might want to consider summer school through the public school just to get you started w/ some friends and a social scene but as well as to help you catch up ....if need be.

Have to run....take care!

The curriculum that we are using is a little advanced, so I think I'll be okay. But I'll still take that into consideration. It might be a good idea. My sister was fine just jumping into public school, but we are two totally different people, so that may be a good idea.

~element

As I was practicing my piano about ten minutes ago, my mom was watching a tv show. And the lady that they were interviewing said that it's important to be honest with your doctor and to have a good relationship with him/her. She said it's important to be honest about any problems you have 'cuz telling the doctor could save your life. For example, if a person had cancer, their life could be saved if it was found out about early on. Then the lady went on to say that it was important to be honest about your mental health. That's when my mom changed the channel. I was sitting there thinking "please turn that back on. Maybe you'll see that's it's important and take me to the doctor." Oh well. I wonder if she didn't want me to hear it, or if she was just getting bored with the television show. IDK. I'm starting to consider getting help again. I may talk to her about it. I'll probably end up changing my mind a few times before I actually talk to her though.

Last night I wanted to go out to eat. Well my mom said we were gonna have left-overs. I wasn't exacly happy about that!! But I tried not to complain or say anything negative. I tried to keep my cool and just be thankful. I let some of my unhappiness out by playing the piano pretty loud. Usually that let's a little unhappiness out and it also calms me down. This time it apparently didn't work though. I went to my room and got really upset. I wasn't just upset about supper. I was upset about life in general. I just felt really unhappy. I hit my arm really hard. I hit my head pretty hard a few times. I slapped my face. And then I almost cried but I held back. Then I actually wanted to swallow some glass cleaner with ammonia in it. Thankfully I didn't do it. I wouldn't really, I just thought about it. And then I thought about how dorky it would look if I killed myself with glass cleaner. Then I realized that it wouldn't matter to me I'd be dead. So that thought really kicked in...that I would be dead...for good. So I sat back down and just started praying and asking for forgiveness. Then I decided I didn't need to be in my room alone, so I walked into the living room and sat down. I acted like everything was good and okay with me. My mom told my dad that I wanted to go out to eat. He said we could. He wasn't really happy about it though. Then I felt bad. I wanted to just tell him nevermind. Actually I think I did, but he said we'd go anyway. We went and had a nice time. When we got home he worked out in the shop. So i went out to spend some time with him. And later we had a family devotion and we just talked for a while. It was really nice. Nice to have some family time. But anyway, I really scared myself last night. I think it's really time for me to do something about this. I just hope I can get over being scared and actually do something to help myself this time. All prayers are appreciated.

~element

I've tried to talk to my mom so many times. I want to tell her that I need to get help, but I just can't. I typed out what I wanted to say. But I couldn't say it. I rehearsed what to say with myself, but still it didn't work. I just don't know what to do. I thought about talking to that lady at church, but she always leaves before I have a chance. And she'd probably call my mom the moment that I talked to her. I just don't know what to do. I want to tell my mom but I'm just soooo nervous and scared.

I asked her, today, if she'd pray for me 'cuz I've been getting depressed a lot lately. She says "yeah" (as in yes, she'll pray for me) and changes the subject. Which left me feeling awkward. She's always trying to avoid the subject, and that makes it sooo much harder on me. I mean it's not like I'm exactly comfortable with talking about it. I just really do not know what to do. I feel like if I really need to talk about it, then it would be easier than this. I'm just a little worried. I think I'll feel a lot better after school is over for the year. So maybe I can just wait, and if I'm still in bad shape then I can get help then. But of course, knowing me, I still wouldn't be able to do it. And what about until then. I mean, yes I've made it this far (it's been about seven months that I've been dealing with all of these problems), but sometimes I don't think I'll be able to survive the next 3 or 4 or 5 months of school. Just thinking about it makes me want to hurt myself. I'm just afraid that if I leave "it" alone and don't get help, then it may just get worse and never better. But then again, maybe things wil get better for me without help. I just don't know. And maybe I shouldn't take a chance, but I probably will. Who knows? I just can't see myself getting help any time soon. I can't see myself asking for it. I wish I could, but I just don't think so. I have been praying about this for so long. Maybe it's just time to drop it. If I was gonna get help, I should have gotten it by now. I don't know. Maybe I just need patience. I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Why am I so dang confused??

If I had not gotten so behind in school, I don't think this would be going on. I don't know though. When I used to cut myself, I did it not only during the school year, but also in the summer time. I wish I had never done that. The bad thing is that sometimes I wish I had never promised my sister that I would tell her if I did it again. 'cuz I want to do so much now. I just look at my razor or whatever sharp item is close to me and I think about doing it. I guess I should be thankful for that promise really, but IDK. I mean, it isn't stopping me from hurting myself. I still hit myself. Slap myself. bang my head. I like cutting more though. I feel sooo guily by saying this, but it's how I feel. I don't want my parents to think I'm crazy. I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy!! I'm not crazy, I'm just having a hard time. Or as the song says "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell." That's one of my favorite songs. Just in case you don't know which one I'm talking about, it's "unwell" by matchbox 20. I just really hope this all will work out for me.

Who knows? Maybe this is a stage that I'm gonna grow out of. My hormones are just making me moody and depressed a lot. And maybe I'll grow out of this thinking I have a mental problem thing. And maybe I'll grow out of the "SI" junk. Who knows? And then again, maybe not.

~element

First of all. I'd really appreciate any responses to this post. I want to know what you guys think about this.

I really thought I was possibly losing my sanity yesterday. First of all. I was having a good day, but then my mom told me about a million things that I need to do in school. I got so stressed out and depressed. I hit myself and slapped myself over and over. And because I couldn't cut myself I dug my finger nail deep into the side of my wrist. It's still pretty sore. So anyway. That SUCKED!! I thought about suicide A LOT!!

So last night whenI went to bed, I felt SOOO much better. I was SOOO happy. I was laying in my bed praying. And suddenly I got this crazy idea that I was probably gonna die that night. I started begging God not to take my life away. I was sooo upset. Then I though I was being brain washed by someone. I thought a demon was talking to me and trying to get me or something. I was scared to death. Then I just felt so crazy. I finally just stopped thinking about it. Then I stopped thinking all of that crazy stuff. I still felt uncomfortable until I woke up this morning. It was a very upsetting experience. I felt SOOO paranoid.

And yesterday, ealier in the day, I was in a restroom at a convenience store. I felt paranoid while I was washing my hands. It was weird. I'm trying to hurry this along!! My computer time is almost up. I have to go now. I think I may be worse off mentally then I thought I was. Please give me your opinions/advice.

~element

Hi. I had a very similiar experience regarding the paranoia and thinking that i was going to die and all about 3 years ago. Though my suicidal thoughts at that time were not very strong i believe mostly because of my religious beliefs, I knew i needed help. it sounds to me like you know you do too. my advice to you is to see a mental health doctor right away. the longer you wait, the worse it gets and also the longer it takes to get better. It WILL go away. Trust me. If you want control of your life, listen to the doctor, take the medicine he/she prescribes and only stop it if he/she tells you to. That's my advice. It sounds like your young. Well, if you want to have a productive life, then you will heed this advice because these diseases are treatable and eventually you will want to be on your own and take care of yourself. This is not easy to do if your not realistic about your recovery. Which right now I know probably seems far away but keep on keepin on, it will get better. God bless you! I hope you feel better soon.

Hello.

Thank you for commenting...

I think you're right about the fact that I need to go to the doctor. I've had people on here urging me to go for a good while now. I would like to in some ways. i want to get help, but I'm really scared to ask my mom to take me. She already knows about my suicidal thoughts and stuff (I am also a religious person, but I do have suicidal thoughts) but she doesn't think anything is "wrong" with me. I don't want to tell her about that "little experience" 'cuz I don't want her to think I'm crazy. Only I can think I'm crazy. Yeah, but seriously, I don't want my parents to think/know that I've lost/am losing my mind. Okay, so I'm hopefully not losing my mind, but that's how I felt that night. I knew I was just being crazy, but it didn't stop the feelings that I was having. I really do want to go to the doctor. I want to find out what's causing all of this and try to get it under control. But every single time I try to talk to my mom, I just can't do it.

Last night, I tried to talk to this lady at church. She's great with young people. (oh, I'm 14 btw) But anyway, all I could tell her was that I've been stressed out and lonely. She told me she'd pray for me. That's always good, but I really wanted to tell her more. I just feel like I need to tell someone, but I don't want anyone to know. I used to cut myself and now have a problem with hitting my head and slapping myself and junk. I think I need to tell someone that, but I just friggin' can't!! It drives me crazy. Some days I think nothing is wrong with me, and other days I think I'm losing my sanity (there are many days also that are in between those too extremes).

thnk you again for replying...

~element