Some questions/rant/general hello (May be long)

Errr, so hi. I know this forum isn't too entirely active, but I hope some people can answer my questions.

Anyways, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 1997, and I was put on Paxil (mainly for anxiety, I obsessively pulled out my hair) and I was doing somewhat fine. Actually, I lied and said I was fine- the paxil quelled some symptoms but I was still 'crazy'- sorry if that term offends, I can't think of any other right now...

Well some background- I had a pretty cruddy childhood, sexual abuse and becoming homeless with my mom and her five kids, then I went into foster care and finally got some mental health help. Soooo fast forward to when I was 18, I was dumped out of my foster home and I no longer have state health insurance. So not medicated. I've managed pretty well so far (all things considered, going to college and graduating though I had some difficulty- i suddenly moved back to my hometown with friends for a couple months for no reason, blew a 4,000 dollar grant check on NOTHING at all, and some various other more reckless things...)

I'm 24 now, been through more than a few jobs and finally I'm at one where I've been for 2 years. I'm an assistant kitchen manager, it's high stress, and pretty physical. I'm irritated as hell right now and my bipolar episodes have started to become out of control. I don't have health insurance offered through my job and I don't really have the cash to go to a clinic to ask for help. I'm scared if I tell someone what's really on my mind that they're going to lock me up, haha. I also don't want to tell anyone because I suffer from some pretty bad chronic back pain and I want to be able to get a prescription for painkillers and I don't want them to think I'm going to sell it or abuse it. (Just a stupid thought.) I've learned to deal with it all in the past but things have been getting worse, for sure.

On the outside, I'm relatively normal except for my little quirks. I have a problem wtih empathy, I mean I laugh at the worst $#%^ and I have a hard time with other people's feelings. Probably why I'm still single. I've been feeling I've been cycling pretty rapidly, I know right now I'm having some issues with my mania. I even get little shivers now and then. (Anyone else?) Pretty much, you can just go down a bipolar I checklist and check off every little box. I don't need to tell you guys the symptoms.

Well holy crud I just wrote a lot (sorry!!!) I just wanted to ask, how does one obtain mental health help while being somewhat poor? I live in middle of nowhere, (hour and half from town at a crappy little resort so weekly therapy isn't doable) and I live in the state of Oregon. I called a sliding fee scale clinic nearby and they said its a 6-8 week wait for an appointment! What the hell?! I'm really going down right now. I really don't want to call a 'crisis hotline' I've heard it all before. I'm not going to kill myself, I've already been through that stuff.

Thanks for reading that.

Hi,

There's no need to call any 'crisis hotline'. My experience of them is that they offer limited help anyway. What you should ask yourself instead is this: "How long more am I prepared to put up with life the way it is?" I imagine you're absolutely sick of the way things are - Why else would yuo have come here? Look, please just arrange to go to a local doctor to talk about all of this. im not sure how much that would cost there, but it can't be too much to just get one visit in, can it? You won't be "locked away" because what you're describing is what so many others suffer too. I have OCD and believed that was enough to get me locked away! When I then went to my doctor, I learned more about OCD and found that it's actually very common.

Kevin

Chucky wrote:You won't be "locked away" because what you're describing is what so many others suffer too.

As someone who has been locked away, I can tell you that it takes a court order unless you're being committed by a legal guardian or you commit yourself.
You'll be okay. promise.

Were you actually put in against your own wishes, SmileXx? I was 'locked away' too, but I went in voluntarily. However, my doctor made it loud and clear at the time that if I didn't improve, she'd get the order to send me into the psych. hospital against my wishes.

My father, and his wonderful parenting skills, had me committed one week when my mother was out of town and I was to stay with him.
He simply told the hospital that I was bipolar and suicidal and he wanted me committed.
They put me on 72 Hour Suicide Watch, which I protested, violently, and got a repeated taste of Haledol.
Haledol is a very ANNOYING drug... it causes paralysis, but my mind was still fully functioning and angry.
They idea is to give you time to calm down, but each time the drug wore off I would lose it...
I think I had validity seeing as how I was a BPD, Bipolar 14 year old that was confused and scared...

It wasn't a fun weekend... and I couldn't tell my mom that it happened because my dad was the door to my drug dealer at the time (he lived in the bad part of town, where the good coke comes from).
It was pretty messed up...

That was the first time.
I've been in for detox, too, and once I was out of my mind delusional and hallucinating manic and they locked me up for a few days.

I was only in for a week too and was on suicide watch in the highest security ward for the first few days. Upon being admitted, a male nurse (called Ernest, from South Africa), had to examine my body (including my crotch and anus area) to see if I was hiding any blades. That was fun. Plus, my bed was one of three in the room. To my left was an old guy who had Alzheimer's. He sometimes had faeces on his hands and bits of food all over his PJs. He as fun to talk to though because he always repeated the same thing over and over. To my right was an apparently rich guy who had been struck down by alcoholism.

I've heard VERY bad things about haledol.

Kevin

Haledol's the devil...

I spent most of my stay, approx 4.5 days, in isolation. When I wasn't in isolation they tried to get me to talk to a doctor, but there were two problems with that.
1. The Haledol levels in my blood stream. They hit me like 6 times while I was there, so when I wasn't freaking out I was either incapable of speach or my words would slur together into incomprehensible jumbled explitives (as I was pissed).
2. When I was coherrant and they weren't shooting me full of the worst hangover in the world, I found it's impossible to convince someone in a hospital that you are NOT suicidal, even when you are not ACTUALLY suicidal. My father had said I was, so I obviously was.

Things just got worse as coke withdrawal kicked in too...
It was... awful...
I've always wanted to shoot some of those doctors full of Haledol, though...
I hold grudges.

I don't see why they couldn't just have given me Thorazine.
At least that comes with sleep.