Feeling like the universe is against me?

Just for the record...

I'm not a pedophile.
I'm not a rapist.
I'm not a child molester.
I haven't killed anyone.

I'm just a single mother with depression and anxiety.

I've made pretty "human" mistakes in my life and before the pandemic I thought I was improving greatly. For the first time I had a 40 hour week job, and I thought I was doing okay. Wasn't perfect, but okay. Well then got laid off. I've gone through numerous jobs since the pandemic...from housekeeping at a motel, csm at a grocery store, stocking and pricing at another store...and it feels like everything is against me working. I recently tried to go back to my first job I'd ever had and was "somewhat" excited" (never really excited about any job), but I had been working for a few weeks to change my habits, like cutting back on cigarettes greatly to almost 3-4 a day if that, stopped drinking sodas, walking outside more, learning to laugh a little more, drinking herbal teas, and focusing on buying cheaper meals, and getting the house in shape and keeping it that way...

Well when I applied to go back to this new job I did the online training and even rehearsed some of the things on the menu, because some things had changed since I had been there, and I wanted to be prepared. The first day was supposed to be last week, and unfortunately my son turned up sick, so I took him to the doctor and had to call in, because I feel like I'm going to be judged by all of humanity if I don't stay home with him and take him to the doctor. Anyways, I could tell they weren't quite happy I had called in the first day, and I get it, but it was just a "coincidence" that he happened to get sick. Well then I talked to the manager and I'd be there 11-4 or 5 confirmed twice by tomorrow and then was sent a group message (hate those by the way) and it had the schedule and my boyfriend accidently read it wrong and I thought it was my schedule for next week. So I got texted about missing my first day again, because I thought it was tomorrow. I don't even see any point in going anymore, missed 2 first days, and the last thing I need at a job where I already have to deal with the public and learn in front of the public, and then have everybody probably hate me already when it was a mistake and have to work with them day in and out. It's situations like these that make me just check out. All the jobs right now seem rigged. Like one of them was hiring for cashiers and I am a cashier and know the codes or relearn them fast, but they wanted to put me in the back doing the same stuff that I had previously done at a nother job and told them that the other store wouldn't let me transfer to another area so I left.

I just don't understand what I've done so wrong. The world feels demonic and #######5. Like I'm not being allowed to participate or get a job and contribute anything. Being made to look terrible, mauybe someone doesn't like my personality and that's fine. I"m not trying to upstage anyone and never was trying to. I was just doing my own thing, and I will continue to do so. I was actually focusing on my own life and finances, and health. Trying to do the right thing, I feel like everyone hates me.

People keep acting like this is a "new normal".

This isn't new.

This is pretty close to how life was when I'd had my baby in 2008 and afterwards. All the psychological evaluations/questionaires and getting turned down all the time even for min wage jobs unless I had a referral, and the only jobs available are the same ones that were only available to me then, because back in the day in 2008 it was hard to get a receptionist position without a referral, certifical or some type of degree lol

-- Wed Sep 28, 2022 4:13 pm --

i really have been trying to work on myself the last few weeks, and that's why I felt good about this job and now I just feel like everything is against me, and everyone around me is so cocky and arrogant...The same month we were told rent would be increasing my boyfriend got demoted because "too many managers" which was really stupid, so now I need this job and then all this crap. I'm trying to remain calm about things, but he's upset because he feels it's his fault for telling me wrong about the schedule and he's mad.

I just feel like everything in life is trying it's hardest to turn into chaos, or to destroy me.

-- Wed Sep 28, 2022 4:16 pm --

I don't care what anyone thinks, and I'm not been trying to upstage people EVER. I've spent so much time trying, and sometimes I fail, but sometimes it feels purposely done. There are other things around my home going on I won't get into, but I'm just trying not to focus on the "walking dead" and just do my thing. Why does it seem the universe is after me? lol

I thought this job would be great for me for the time being, especially since I was wanting to go ahead and go back to school in spring, and have everything in place. I'm getting stir crazy and bored at home, bored with television, bored with entertainment period right now and I've cut back to where I'm only online 20 minutes or so a day. Yes, I was getting bored where I need a job, but not because of the job itself, but needing the money so I can take my son to do things, or so we'd have money to get out of the house or go on dates, and things like that. Trust me I'd never be so bored that I would want to work, but bored enough to where I'd get a job to be able to afford to leave the house for fun things lol

-- Wed Sep 28, 2022 4:27 pm --

I was getting so bored I was literally staring at walls and pacing back and forth.

-- Wed Sep 28, 2022 4:28 pm --

Without money to do anything fun, it's ike being a caged animal.

On another note:

I finally have been symptom free with no more stomach pains. I have had them for 2 years where it would hurt in my spine, ribs and all in my abdomen area.

I stopped drinking alcohol as much, with the exception of some cheap red wine once in a while, started replacing my soda habit with a water habit. I've always been the type to need something in my hands or doing repetitive motions with them; that's why cigarettes are so hard to quit. But I stopped buying sodas, and just getting water bottles and keeping them in the fridge and refilling them as soon as I drink them and immediately get another. Instead of chain-smoking...i'm turning it into chain-water drinking. Anyways, I'm vaping now, and down to few cigarettes a day. Taking some supplements, and drinking herbal teas. Suddenly I have been symptom free of stomach pains, so I guess that is a plus. This is why I was feeing a lot better to go to work, and now I feel down about it.