New User

I'm new to this forum. I lived all my life dealing with Anxiety and Anger management problems going from job to job almost becoming homeless a few times and I would have ended up either in Prison or dead had I not walked into a VA clinic when I was in my late 40's because I wanted help with my Depression. The doctor stated I was Bipolar and that I was an easy read. I said he was wrong. He gave me a pamphlet on Bipolar disorder and it described me to a T. The drugs he gave me almost caused me to commit suicide. I totalled a car due to an anger issue while being experimented on. Eventually he gave me Risperidone which miraculously lifted the cloud in my head and removed the fire in my belly allowing me to see the world and myself the way it really is instead of the way I used to perceive it. I could relive my past from as young as 12 years old and see the symptoms of my disease. I realize I was single due to my own doing and a failure for the same reason. That I once had the perfect job, back in the 90's and threw it away because of my own pride, anxiety, and anger issues. I feared and sometimes hated women because I didn't realize why I didn't have one of my own, but after I was given these pills I saw all the women I could've had but didn't because of my own fear and anxiety.

I married my brothers wife's sister in an arranged marriage, which was stupid. She wanted a green card and I wanted sex. She refused to have sex with me on our wedding night. We couldn't talk about it before we were married because it was a taboo subject in her country to do so. I told her no sex, no marriage using a translator book. She moved in with her sister and we got divorced. I spent the next two weeks sleeping on the couch, I would've ended up homeless due to my lack of caring and effort had my sister not needed desperate help raising her two kids without a husband, so I moved in with her. That and the drugs my mental health doctor gave me gave me purpose. It may be too late to have a good life for myself, maybe I can give my nephews a headstart on one of their own.

It's been a long time that I've been on mental health pills. I am now 58, depressed, and lonely, even though I still live with my sister. Risperidone made me gain 200 pounds, quiting smoking made me gain 100 pounds before that, so I'm quite heavy. Doctor put me on new drug, Divalproex, and I've lost 55 pounds in two months. It's been years since I've been able to feel a strong emotion because of the pills.

I also have Neuropathy in my pinkies and my feet. My left foot has brittle bone structure, I fractured it 15 times and didn't know. I walked on it like that for 3weeks before the VA doc would see me and diagnose me, I was concerned with the fact that it swelled up too big to fit properly in a shoe. Now it's permenantly swelled up and the bone grew back getting rid of my arch and a screw is in it. I have to wear a special boot and my foot won't fit in the drivers door of a car so I can't drive. I work from home as tech support over computer but I lost my last job because I had a hard time showing empathy and got poor customer survey scores. My new job doesn't require much empathy, denying and approving medicare procedures. I only talk to nurses and doctors now so can be professional and just do a good job without having to show feelings. I now live my life in my room. Nobody to talk to. My mother tries to fix me, my sister tries to shut me off, my nephews unfriended me on Facebook and barely tolerate me. But I still like the person I am now more than I liked the person I was before I was diagnosed.
I need companionship. Someone to talk to. A drinking partner, but I don't drink. But I don't socialize, so the alternative is forums.
I have to be careful. I have a problem of not knowing what not to talk about. I say what I think and sometimes venture into taboo topics. I tend to be too honest for my own good. I don't mean to insult people, but I notice wierd looks sometimes when I get too comfortable with them thinking were friends and dropping my guard with them. My sister constantly tells me tmi. I need someone to talk to I can be completely honest with. Someone understanding.
Sometimes I enter political forums and argue with people. Sometimes I argue based on feelings and emotions. Other times I do so based on cold hearted logic and get Darwanistic with my comments. I try not to do either when I play online games, keeping to topics game related there and on a forum like this political arguments I will probably not bring up because they are inconsequential or unhelpful for the purpose of this forum and for me being here. I will argue politics anonymously on a political forum I am a member of and try not to do so here.
Anyhow this is so long most people won't read to the bottom of it so I'll stop here.
I need fellowship that understand me being bipolar and being the person I am due to the mood alternating drugs I now take. Thanks.

A throbbing toe woke me up with only 4 hours sleep. I only got 3 hours sleep the night before because of neuropathy pain. I'm used to getting 12 hours sleep. I filed for disability but was denied. It's up for reconsideration but as soon as they find out I'm employed they'll deny it again. I've been unemployed for about a year and ran out of credit.

The mental health pill Devaproex gets rid of the manic episodes leaving me feeling like blah. The prozac doesn't help much. They can't bring me up much without risking my anger taking control. The way I am now I can't get angry even when I should.

I walk constantly to minimize my neuropathy pain. But only on carpet. I'm supposed to wear the boot but I don't when I am at home. I get a lump on the bottom of my left foot so I have to walk on my toes if I walk too much. But it's the only thing that works for the pain. Also whenever my toe throbs I get hot. I'm very hot with a fan on me and I have it 74 degrees inside. This pain is what is going to get me fired from this new job. But I'm at the maximum dosage of Gabapenton.