*TW* Manic Suicidal *TW*

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm not intending on harming myself in anyway, but like, my brain is all "hey, let's go kill ourself! WHOOPIE!"

Like, it's going away, I can feel it going away, but this I've been experiencing symptoms for ten years at least, and this is the first time I've had this happen. I've been suicidal in the past, but depression what was there, not mania.

God, I'm calming down, thank god, but like, it's scary as hell to me. I do some wild but not stupid stuff when manic. Mania usually involves me going to fantasy land, where I'm in a position power (such as an elected office), famous for some sort of art, such as music or writing, or, when I get really bad, I start screaming at the top of my lungs, screaming at someone in my life, who, currently, isn't in front of me. This stuff always happens inside my house. When I'm in public, I can control it, and it almost never happens. I legit think loneliness is what causes it.

But anyway, I'm over it. It's gone, completely. It's taken me about ten minutes to type all of this, and in that time, it went away. Yay!

The mania isn't there anymore, at least not in full. I'm just scared of it coming back, and would like to know if anyone else has ever experienced this, and if so, what you've done about it. Yes yes.

Have not quite been like that, but perhaps closer than I think- I know I can go from being very happy to having suicide ideation and sometimes still be in a 'good' mood- as a surface mood. However, I question whether that is during a period of mania. Being OCD, I suicide ideate a lot- something I largely ignore because 99 percent of the time, it's not a serious proposition. But usually during depression/anxiety.

Still, there have been times I've been feeling a tad 'giddy' and thought hey! What if I killed myself right now? Although that might have been alcohol-fueled, I'm trying to remember specific instances, but can't- still, it seems as if I have been um, slightly amused at the idea.

I know you sometimes have OCD-like anxieties, I wonder if this is merely an intrusive thought that hit you. I have harm OCD so I'm well acquainted with having intrusive harm thoughts (of suicide and/or murder) at the darndest times- often when trying to go to sleep- it's like my brain says 'whooo buddy who said you could relax? you need to worry about this!'

Thanks, Snagz. I didn't even think of OCD being a possibility. I know what you mean about your brain being like that though. There are points in my life where I can feel my brain scanning my memory, trying to look for something to be worried about. It's such an odd feeling when it happens, and thanks to medication, it hasn't found anything recently, but when I quit my lexapro old turkey (never do that, ever), I was anxious 24/7, and when I wasn't, my brain scanned, and always found something.

OCD is like a little demon that eats fear- it'll make some, if it has to.