How to move forward?

Hello, I need advice.
I self-sabotage a lot, for many reasons. The current reasons are because: 1. using coping skills is difficult, 2. coping skills may not work and I won't be able to handle the disappointment. 3. If I use coping skills and they do work and I feel better, my life will still feel like it is not worth living.
I don't know how to handle disappointment, and I don't know how to stop feeling angry at my illness. I am triggered all the time because of past trauma. I am not resilient. I can't find an EMDR therapist for trauma that will call me back. I feel like I am damaged beyond repair. My greatest regret is not killing myself years ago. I see my therapist once a week and my psychiatrist once a month but I feel like they can't help me. I don't think seeing a different therapist or psychiatrist would help, I have trust issues with therapists and psychiatrists and I feel comfortable with the ones I have now.
If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

Hello sadsky. I came across your post and really got touched by your post. I just have to ask you, are you on any medication at this moment? Can you give me an example of what self-sabotage we're talking about. I'm in quarantine at the moment so I've got all the time in the world right now so if you wanna share some of these personal information with me I would be happy to listen. Take care!

Hi sadsky,
I self-sabotage too. Not a lot, but still...

I have my bad days when I am unwell. Nothing lifts my mood up.

I'm ok right now.

You are NOT damaged beyond repair.

My advice is to continue seeing your therapist and psychiatrist like you are doing. I don't have much more advice. I do think it helps a lot to talk to others who go through the same thing as you do.