My Story of my Disorder, interesting!

Like the title says btw. Honestly, I think I have gotten a lot of help so far. I also have schizoaffective disorder. So, I have been paranoid or am. I used to think I didn't need any help and then end up having a bunch of episodes. But now, I realized and am more aware of my condition. I would constantly have all these problems and think people were out to get me. That was not pretty. I was hospitalized for many many times I can't even count but I think at least around 15+ hospitalizations. It was mostly cause I refused medication because I believed they would just make me worse. Over time I gradually began to accept what happened. I honestly thought people were just lunatics that put me in the hospital for no reason. Now I really know what happened. If you want the full story, I'll tell you.

I was 9 when I was in a car accident and they were at fault and ran the red light that full on hit us and caused a terrible bump on my head. So I guess you could say I had a concussion or traumatic brain injury or whatever it is. Oh yeah, my psychiatrist calls it head trauma. No one else in my immediate family had the disorder so they believe I did not get it from genetics but from trauma or environment. And low and behold, I did have a head trauma.

I LITERALLY THOUGHT I WAS IN HELL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I find it weird I didn't seek help because I always thought I was normal. Yes, it's hard to treat because when you go to your regular doctor, you have no physical problems and they overlook the mental part. So for years I had to go through hell! It was at times so painful (not even from stress but literal pain) I would scream and scream and scream. Those were my worst moments.... I'm glad they are over now. Even if I still don't feel my best, but I can stay positive. Honestly, I was in such good physical condition it took them a while to realize I was mentally ill. I was grateful to have gotten help in sort of guilty way which usually prevents from getting help back then.

Now, I'm just being manic and depressive (they're mixed symptoms). It's not as severe though, and I'm not screaming thank god. I just feel like there's just going to be another chemical imbalance in my brain if I go back to bed. I.E. BOREDOM!!! Not regular boredom but boredom that causes you literal distress. I feel really impatient for the next day to start and the only thing that will help me is if you guys instantly respond (I tried to talk to someone online like with the website talkshare but it was TOO EXPENSIVE I CANT MANAGE MONEY. I'll for some free ones though.) or I get too tired and sleep it off. I have no more money for sleep aids and bought anti anxiety meds with almost everything I had. Some help would be appreciated or insight as well

I can understand and relate to what you share. I seemed to know I had bipolar but I couldn't prove it. I had to have a manic episode for the pdoc to confirm it. So I understand others not seeing the mental part of the picture, just the physical part. I experienced severe depression for many years. I lost many years to my illness after the birth of my third daughter. I had gotten postpartum psychosis. I was put on Zoloft and then I got off it. I have my own story too. I'm sorry, when I share, I tend to get sidetracked (by accident).

It gets really lonely suffering from bipolar or any type of mental illness because of the stigma it holds many times. We who suffer from the illness know our own pain in much the same way. Many many times we experience the same symptoms and experiences as others who have the same illness go through. What I suggest is to go through the posts and do replies. It helps to have others join in and conversate here. That's how I started when I first joined Psychforums. I've been very blessed to have met some online friends here where we remain anonymous, but we still conversate here when we can.