*TW*Not sure if I have Bipolar Disorder/needing help*TW*

TRIGGER WARNING

First of all, I will say I am undiagnosed but I do have a history of Bipolar disorder/schizophrenia in my family. I am seeking help at the moment for my issues but would like help from others who might be experiencing the feelings I have.

I will go through episodes that can last days where I absolutely cannot concentrate on anything, ramble on in conversations, feel extremely irritable and crabby and have animosity towards everyone, have an absolutely insatiable appetite, feel intense jealousy towards others, am anxious and worried about every little thing, have constant suicidal thoughts, and want to hurt myself. During these episodes I feel as though I am slowly drowning, and cannot get help for any of this. I am currently in a relationship and usually take it out on the person I am with as terrible as that sounds. I just feel this intense anger and narcissism that is so impossible to control. I have attempted suicide during an episode like this but failed. I have a tendency to cut/burn during these times.

I also have episodes where I don't give a ###$ about anything or anyone. People just piss me off and all I want to do is sleep and do nothing all day. I have no desire to make meals, go out and do things, its like an intense depression. It's so intense to where I don't even have the energy to kill myself as weird as that sounds. All at the same time, I have anxiety because I feel this way and I know that isn't normal if that makes any sense.

The energetic episodes are more prominent and happen basically all week. The depressive happens maybe every couple weeks but I am usually just stuck in these so called manic states. There is not a black and white for me. I always feel emotions intensely and hard. I have self medicated with drugs (Ciagrettes, nicotine, alcohol, marijuana, opioids) but have been sober for awhile. I feel like these things just triggered episodes more.

My family does not understand what I am going through at all. When I was caught by a friend with a plan to commit suicide, they got me a counselor (who literally didn't do $#%^ and ripped us off) and tried to get me help immediately. However, they constantly tell me to just be happy because compared to others I have a great life and have absolutely nothing to complain about. They get sad and angry at me because I can't just be happy. They don't believe in medication but tell me it is ultimately my choice although I am a bit worried to go on meds because of side effects and supposed weight gain. I feel guilty and shameful for asking for help which triggers me into a more intense episode.

I really just would like somebody to talk to. I want to get help. I want answers but I know it isn't that easy. I may not even have bipolar. I don't know. Let me know your thoughts.

Hi, Pizza, welcome to the forum.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Other than the self harm, you sound a lot like me back seven or eight years ago before I started seeking help. I went through the gauntlet of getting medicated, and saw a therapist for years before he said I was cleared and right before he moved far away. I'm still seeing a psychiatrist, every three months, and I've been stable on my medicine for about four or five years.

It is hard finding the right medication. Some people get lucky at get it right off the bat, and for others, it takes years. I've had a lot of ups and downs on medication. I finally found something that works for me, and I'm a lot happier because of it. Yes, I had significant weight gain because of a certain medication (Risperdal), but I'm losing that weight through diet and a small amount of exercise.

We're not allowed to diagnose here, but it sounds like what I went through when I thought I had bipolar. I had hallucinations and delusions on top of it to get my diagnosis, but I was originally diagnosed Mood Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Stated) and Psychotic Disorder NOS.

I was hospitalized very early on in my treatment, and I still say those were the best 8 days of my life. I learned so much about what was wrong with me, what I could do about it, all sorts of things. I met some wonderful people who went through similar problems, and were open and caring. However, just like medication, hospital stays are hit or miss too. Some people describe their hospital stays as hell on earth.

Overall, I'd recommend going to a psychiatrist and getting a proper diagnosis, and seeing what all treatment options you have.

Hi,

I am sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. The intensity of our emotions can get overwhelming sometimes.

I was recently diagnosed and what you're saying here does sound very familiar to me. I would go through some amount of "good" episodes too. You know feeling almost drunk/high, loving, compassionate and connected to all beings and universe (sometimes too connected) or energized, overly happy and overly productive and goal orientated (obsessed I think it's a better word). To the fault though, the lack of control would make even good experiences turn into hurtful ones at certain points.

Nonetheless, I experiance aggressive/hostile/irritable episodes too. And more then I would want. Actually next to depression (which I would also experiance less then high weaves), uncontrollable irritability and aggression were the other factors that made me go seek help.

So as I'm not a specialist, I can't say anything for sure, but I would recommend you to go and see a psychiatrist.

I hope you'll feel better soon.