Hi! New member here :) *TW*

Hi everyone!

*begin TW*
I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, together with Ptsd. The information came as a shock even though I think, I expected it. I've been reading this forum for last week or so (basically obsessing over the subject) and found great comfort in it. All of a sudden I didn't feel so lonely <3

My father was bipolar and untreated, well self-medicating with all sorts of drugs and alcohol, so you can all imagine that it didn't end well. We come from Poland, where mental illness awerness is just non existent, so non of us had any idea what was going on with him. It was only years later when we moved abroad, that we got him diagnosed, but at this stage the drugs addiction combained with severe mania and psychosis episode brought him to an awful end (he hanged himself) .

*end TW*

I always saw a lot of similarities to him in me. We also had a deeper connection then I ever had with any one else. Now I think due to sharing the same disease. I was always able to pass through his mania and depression episodes and see him for who he was, could see and relate to his struggle. Even though mine wasn't shining through as much (drugs probably made him more expressive in his madness) , but it was there. The intensity of emotions.

Because of his death, I send myself on a path of self healing. Tried to be more aware. Went clean (no drugs and alcohol, at least when I'm stable ) and to therapy, started exercising, healthy diet, yoga, meditation and all that jazz, but nothing was really working. My moods still fluctuate from low to high and sometimes they mix and match. With all the work I do to be more aware, I actually feel more lost and confused then I was before. Well, I was. Now, with the diagnose, a lot of things start to make sense and I'm gaining a bit more understanding of myself. Still though, it's like being in a fog.

I wonder how does it feel for you to be bipolar? Do you see it as a separate condition to the self or did you incorporate it into who you are? Over last days I'm trying to scan my life and see when the disease was activated and when it was me. To see, knowing what the disease is, what behaviour is actually me. But I have to say, it's freaking hard! There are moments in my life that I can point at and say I was going crazy here, as they are usually turning points in my life; episodes of detachment that caused me to reinvent my life, even though my "stable" self wasn't particularly happy about it after the epiosed ended. Or periods of deep, all consuming depression. I can see those clearly. But in between, putting aside mixed episodes too, when I feel somehow stable, I still feel like some of the sympthoms are now part of my personality and they shine through me, even when I'm not loosing it. Can anyone relate to that? Or do you feel "normal" when you're stable?
For me "stable" is the best word to describe my state because I'm surly not normal, I'm just better at dealing with myself. But it's like being on a balancing board. Always a bit wobbly, always one foot moving towards one of the side more then the other. It's always there. Even when I feel fairly stable, it reminds me about itself.

I have moments when I doubt my diagnosis, I read so much stuff about it , read through this

Ah somehow it cancelled some of my post.

In the last bit I said that sometimes I doubt my diagnosis. Especially when I'm feeling stable enough. It's just like I have a recognition that I lost control here and there, but I don't always connect with how it felt, that I really was out of control. I have to regularly remind myself that I can be a bit out of order (keeping journal or bombarding my partner with questions like "do I really go 'crazy'?" help me) . And I wonder if anyone here feels this way too? Or am I just struggling to accept my diagnosis here?
I'm sure that these questions were addressed in the previous posts, but I nonetheless felt like I wanted to share and ask about them.

I also just wanted to say hi and show myself here.

somehow it cancelled some of my post. All I was saying is just that I sometimes doubt my diagnosis. Especially when I go stable enough for a while. Like I have a memory and recognition of what has happened before but sometimes I forget how it felt or my brain tries to find excuses to make me feel like it wasn't the disease, it was something else and my behaviour was legit (sometimes in a way it was to a certain point, until it went all wrong) .

I feel like trying to crack it up (the condition), understand it, is really playing with my head right now. Probably that's why I'm posting here. I can get bit obsessive. And there's so many questions to ask. Maybe I'm just struggling to accept the diagnose. I don't know, but it does feel overwhelming at times.

For some reason, part of my post didn't come through.
I was just saying that sometimes I doubt I have the disorder, as I have the memory of the events but I don't always feel how it felt, the intensity, can't always reconnect with it and my brain makes me think it wasn't that bad. Dunno if any of you catches that feeling too.

Welcome to the forums!

As for me, I have Schizoaffective Bipolar Type, which as it was explained to me, is "imagine if Bipolar and Schizophrenia had a baby, that's what Schizoaffective Disorder would be." I get manic, depressed, and psychotic. Sometimes individually, sometimes all at once, and I usually rapid cycle between them.

For me to be Bipolar, how it feels, is it's just something that's wrong with me. The way I see it, personally, I'd rather have what I'm diagnosed with than have some sort of disease that's going to kill me eventually.

For me, looking back on it all, I had psychotic symptoms as a child. I never mentioned it to anyone because I just thought it was normal. As I got older, about the time I reached high school, I started getting the manic symptoms, and would regularly get manic.

I do feel normal when stable. I work, I have a small social life, but still have one. I take care of pets, I pay bills, and I have responsibilities. When I'm manic, I try to stay away from websites where I can buy things, because I'll spend all my money if I go there. I'll get the stuff and never use it.

Diet and exercise help, but are you also seeing a psychiatrist? I'd recommend going to one if you can afford it. Medicine helped me out a lot. It's a trial and error process, but if and when you find the right combo, it makes your life better.

Hi Pepera,

Welcome I understand what you mean about doubting the illness/diagnosis. I questioned it for many years as well. Like you, I would question it when I felt well. I thought maybe there had been a mistake made, or I didn't really feel as bad as I thought I had, or that I was making up the symptoms. Then, another episode would hit and I'd remember how over-powering it can be, and how much it alters my life. After enough of this doubt/belief/doubt/belief cycle, I've just learned to accept it all as part of the disorder. I would go so far as to say that it's common for people with bipolar to question whether or not they have the disorder at some point in their life.

As for how I view it, I used to think of it as very much separate from me. The REAL me was when I was stable and content and happy and if I was in an episode that was not a part of who I am. After discussing this on multiple occasions in therapy I now see my disorder as part of me. It is only a piece of who I am, like I am a son/brother/uncle, an artist, someone that loves the outdoors, lives in a city, reads books, etc. And it is part of me even when I am stable.

Hi guys,

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I do go to the psychiatrist. I'm lucky enough to live in a country with a social help programs. So my psychiatrist and meds are practically free.

And to the doubts, just went through another vicious cycle that creeped on me, even though I'm on medication now and keep mood journal etc.
I suppose I should have thought that something is off, when I actually started to be amazingly happy with the diagnosis and seeing it as a proof that I'm special and a chosen one ! haha, well I unfortunately coped too late when I was basically loosing control there.
Luckily it didn't last long and didn't cause any havoc.
Now I'm just feeling overwhelmed and a little regretful.

Yeah to the way I view it. I badly want to make it a separate thing from myself, but through every thing I do I'm starting to see that it's impossible. It always shines through, even when I'm feeling somehow stable. I was only diagnosed recently, so maybe it'll get better. Right now I have a hard time to remember when I felt fully stable. I think that also makes me doubt things, cos it has been my normality for so long plus I'm coming from a background where mad behaviours are kinda accepted and compared to some, I'm the most sane on the block. I have some sort of control of myself, to a certain point anyway, and often I just suffer inside. Trying to hide what I go through and resemble normal outside.
But it can be so freaking draining, Right? When the emotions are so intense that they hurt, no matter if they're good or bad? And then they disappear all of a sudden, leaving You to question your choices and your reality. it's so draining to be so happy, so high, just to painfully fall straight into the ground, straight into the arms of despair in what sometimes feels like a second.

I've read that untreated sympthoms get worse and I think, it's true for me. Plus I did some self medicating over years, plus all the trauma and drama did theirs bit as well.
Last year was truly horrific for me. As in in one episode I lost not one but two jobs, one after another (I'll mention I really enjoyed the first job I was in, but I got paranoid thinking that a few co-workers are plotting against me (not true), so I left, and it was one messy goodbye.) Second job I got straight after the first (lucky me), but a month after I realised that my true purpose is to achieve enlightenment so I quit, got myself loads of spiritual books and was trying to meditate my way to be a budda (you can guess how did that go). In the meantime I caused my engagement to end ( just being aggressive and all), this one I don't really regret that much, but my response ! Few days of crying my eyes out, screaming and throwing myself around the house, scratching my face and all that, just to be completely fine soon after and may I add, madly in love with someone else. Etc. I'm not working since then and don't know how to get myself to go back to work again.
I can see more episodes like that in my life, where I just activate myself and cause mayhem, rearrange my life. My friends and family just accepted that this is what I'm like, so no-one really intervenes, especially that I can get nasty and snappy.
Unfortunately that makes it so much harder for me to explain to them that it's not me, and I need help.

Over years it's been getting worse and harder for me to stay in control, so I started to isolate myself as much as I could, created habits and build my life in a way that's basically turning into a one big trap. So when I get too active there's nowhere for me to go and no-one to reach to. As you can guess, it can get very sad and lonely to live that way, especially for someone who experiences depressions every now and again. And a heavy ones too.

My diagnosis gave my confusion and hope. And more confusion and fear. I always thought that one day I'll find a way to fix what's wrong with me. Now I know it's gonna be there forever. That's a little overwhelming. I just feel very tired of dealing with it right now.

Ahh, sorry for such a long reply here. Dunno, just in that state of mind I suppose and I felt like I need to take it off my chest.
Thank you to anyone who listens.

Pepera