I'm Boring Now. Stable, but boring.

I feel boring now. I know that I need to be on my meds because it helps me not to have these screaming running fits when I get angry and look up to see everyone staring at me with their mouths hanging open. It’s just that before I became “stable.” I was much more outgoing and fun. Now I feel like I’m wrapped in cotton and almost as if I’m trapped inside myself. Sometimes I can’t even carry on a conversation anymore. Antidepressants don’t help me. SSRI’s make me feel better, but they actually make me sort of hypomanic and so my Pdoc won’t prescribe them anymore because he’s afraid I’ll go into full blown mania. The fact is that I like being hypomanic, except I throw wall-eyed fits. My anger tends to get away from me. And I will admit that some of the shenanigans that I pulled when “the switch would flip” as I called it before I was diagnosed and before I knew what hypomania and mania were. I mean at my age, running around out in the yard naked at 2:30 a.m. is not cool, so I know I need to remain compliant, but it’s boring. Does anyone else feel boring and wrapped in cotton, trapped inside like me?

Wildchild1226

My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night; But ah my foes and oh, my friends-- it gives a lovely light.
Edna St. Vincent Millay

While stable, I trust my judgement, but while hypo, I feel alive! I definitely do understand how you feel.

Considering some of the recent posts, I realize that I don't have quite the forum outbursts I used to have while unmediated. My wife seems to appreciate this stable me also. I know that on occasion, my kids enjoyed the energetic me. Now I just sort of go through the daily motions. I'm here but not fully. I am learning to accept this new me as I think I am done trialing different medications. There is definitely an adjustment period.

I used to be much more fun! I was hypomanic so often I thought that was my personality... (being BPD, you don't have a stable sense of self anyway.) Now I'm super boring. I don't do anything I used to do. I'm not the hopeful, spontaneous girl my wife married. I'm just fat, aging, and boring.

edit: I'm also not all that stable, so that doesn't help much either I guess.

Off my meds, I made bad decisions and hurt myself, and my rages were self-focused and awful.

But I was, as said before on here, alive.

I can relate to this. I was stable for a good ten years, but I was boring as all hell. I was mainly on Haldol, which made me miserable, but I was not a troublemaker. A change in meds made me a troublemaker and landed me in the hospital. Despite the awful experience, being on a new med regimen now has vastly improved my life. I know you said your doctor is being careful with med changes with you, so I would advise getting a second opinion from another doctor. That worked for me. Good luck! (You don't have to stay boring, and you don't need hypomania to be un-boring, a pretty good medium exists, trust me!).

3 weeks ago I came away to work, I was running late for the plane and forgot my medications. I work remote and over Xmas/New Year I had absolutely no access to getting more, not even getting them flown in. The headache withdrawals sucked, but initially I felt ok mentally and emotionally. And then I started feeling good. And then great. And it was then I realised once again exactly that! My mind had become so dulled by medication that I'm not sure I really exist anymore. My mind became so active, I was back to saving the world again; my soul became so creative I was a spokesman for the ethereal again; my heart became the driver of my inexhaustible appetites again, and I was once again the creator of my own downfall. I have let myself, my wife and my family down again. Now my mood is going down, if I could be I would be frightened of what that means, and I thank the Universe the holidays are over and my medications are speedily on their way to me.

I will put up with being dull for now. And I thank you shatteredwishes, because I will continue to search for the medication regime that I hope can give me a balance between both.