Explain what your Bipolar episodes feel like?

What are your hypomanic or manic and depressive episodes like? How do you feel during them? How long do they last? I want to understand this illness better.

I’d really love it if you could just post your own experience with this illness in detail. I haven’t managed to receive much information on the internet and I feel that hearing it from someone that actually suffers from bipolar would help.

My mind is all over the place. I’m so sorry if my words are all over the place.

Let's start at the bottom - Depression Episode.
- feels like it will go on forever
- When I think I am at the bottom, it gets worse
- life is meaningless.
- I lack inspiration, motivation and days go by without leaving my apartment.
- I feel alone - To make that worse, I don't reach out to connect.
- I eat garbage. Right now lots of crackers and jam and peanut butter instead of meals.
- Binge on Ice Cream
- No exercise
- My personal favorite simile to depression is constipation because I couldn't give a poop.
- This could get really long so i'll end here.

Hypomanic Episode.
- I'm having a great day.
- Getting lots done,
- have plans to do more things today and goals for the week
- On fire socially - Talkative. Open, Trusting, sharing, caring about others.
- become a little domineering because I have the right answer for everything.
- Generous - towards myself and others
- purchase items I have wanted for some time, can really use or know friends need.
- Optimistic
- Need less sleep
- tons of energy

Manic Episode
- Think I'm king of the world
- I know Every thought and action is inspired.
- Have no doubts, no reflection, no insight. Who needs it? I'm King of the World!!!
- Think quickly and my thoughts jump around.
- Jump to conclusions - Afterwards I can see they were illogical, unreasonable and lead to poor choices.
- Quick to make decisions and take action.
- Spend money
- Argumentative - I'm right. All the time. How dare you question my brilliance?
- Aggressive - Intimidating - This gets results in short term but burns relationships terribly.

I think I'm going to post this list as my profile on an online dating site. See if anyone wants to hang out... Here's what I expect to happen:
- If I'm manic, have unprotected sex with someone I hardly know.
- If I'm hypomanic, be charming, outgoing, gregarious and we both have a good time. hope for a hug and a polite kiss at the end of the evening.
- If I'm depressed, find some excuse to break the date.

So. That me.
Does that give you some clues. Wanna date?

I tried my best to stay serious. The crazy comes out all the time. I like it. People that don't accept me or understand can go fly a kite. They have their weirdness too. I do my best to accept and understand them.

Now I'm spinning on tangents... thinking fast and thoughts are jumping.
I've been depressed, increasingly depressed, sinking lower and lower for months.
Right now my thoughts are jumping and I think I'm witty and brilliant. Perhaps that is a mixed state.

Do you want a list of how it feels to be in a mixed state?
Just use the lists above but take out the titles: depressed, hypomanic and manic. Then randomize the points. That's a mixed state.

The hypomanic high for me consists of 2 very different halves. It starts with sleep drying up. I get irritable, restless, frustrated because I can't sleep & violent. Not violent to other people, but my last hypomania led to me shutting myself in the stockroom & bathroom at work. I jumped up & down, I punched the walls, I threw things. And then...wow...then came the sheer ecstasy of euphoria. This came on within minutes. I was absolutely on the ceiling. What really got me was the sheer light that came from everything. I was transfixed by a girl's blonde hair on a bus. Traffic lights looked incredible. Sleep was no longer elusive, it simply wasn't necessary. I was too far up with the gods to need such a human weakness. Music...music...woweeee...have you ever been able to hear the silence between the notes in a piece of music? I spent a night listening to music, writhing about my bed & giggling in absolute delight. I got 45 minutes sleep & then did a 13 hour day at work feeling fabulous. That was when I crashed through my boss's office door laughing my head off. It was also when she decided I needed a few days off. And then, tragically (and I mean tragically, to lose such a high is terrible), things turned very nasty indeed. I became restless & more agitated than I've ever been in my life. It was awful. That was when I was started on quetiapine. I was asleep within 2 hours of taking the first dose. And I've never had that immortal high again. This forum is a place of honesty so I will be brutally frank & say that I would do anything to get that feeling of ecstasy back. The universe was pouring into my soul. But damn, I still take the pills religiously.

As for the depression, the forum would rightly censor the thoughts I had. Let's just say I made a piss-poor attempt on my life & had to be removed from my house because I wasn't safe there anymore. I will add one thing though - there came a moment when I was staying in a facility & the weather broke. The rain came pouring down. I was sitting under the verandah & it was covered with lavender. The rain released all the pent-up lavender scent & it was so overpowering in the rain I felt like I was being baptised & set free. I think that's the nearest I have come to sheer divine mercy. I just sobbed & sobbed. And after that, I got better.

I have bipolar I and ADD. I have the inattentive kind of ADD.

My hypomanic episodes are where I feel like leaving the house and I shop and I can leave about $700 in less than 15 minutes. I get so excited and don't think about the consequences at that moment. I feel so alive.

Depression can last for weeks and I get worse over time where I don't believe I will ever have energy again and I think I should just give up on life. I only live because I can breathe. Sometimes it will slowly climb up and I begin to feel a bit better and eventually I feel fine again.

I do really enjoy being hypomanic but I don't always like the consequences.

Being manic means I can get sexually aggressive even with strangers or at least people I don't even find attractive. I make the moves on them. I don't feel anything different. I feel normal. But after the episode ends I ask myself why on earth did I do that. I have big plans to start my own business and won't sleep and start doing stupid $#%^ with money and that will hurt our finances. But it doesn't matter because I'm going to make so much money that I can make that back and more! I lose control.

Mixed episode has me crying hysterically for part of the day with my mood so very low I only think to end my life and then I feel great I don't realize how I was thinking that a couple of seconds ago. My energy returns immediately and then I can get feelings of feeling great with a tiredness that I just can't do go on anymore. I have become suicidal. I haven't had a mixed episode in 4 years. I've been hypomanic and manic a few times but mostly will sink to some sort of depression. My pdoc said to stop taking Ritalin (for ADD) if I become hypomanic as it can lead to mania. I love being hypomanic, I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing, no one can bring me down. I feel strong emotionally and on fire, with so much I want to do. I begin so many things at once and I don't even want to sleep. Even sleeping pills won't work sometimes because I feel so alert and so excited with life. My mind races. With mania, I can't slow down my thinking and I also get so tired from lack of sleep that eventually wears me out. When I was an insomniac for months, I got manic like 3 times. No hypomania, just straight to mania. Then depression. Or manic again.

quietgirl2538 wrote:Being manic means I can get sexually aggressive even with strangers or at least people I don't even find attractive. I make the moves on them. I don't feel anything different. I feel normal. But after the episode ends I ask myself why on earth did I do that.

Very well said! And this can also be applied to other topics.

When Im depressed I stop taking care of myself, basic things like showering, doing laundry, eating properly. When It gets really bad I get psychotic symptoms... mostly paranoia and hearing things. Last episode I thought a guy I was dating was a Russian spy. My psychotic symptoms only happen during the depressive phase of things. I get suicidal.

Hypomania is a kind of ecstasy. I feel one with the universe. I get spiritual. The sun shines down on me especially, I feel restless and need to move or go on a road trip. I'm more social.

Mania makes me feel intensely energized. I don't really get racing thoughts. But I do talk a lot more and feel a pressure to talk fast. Like all the garbage in my head has to expressed.. all of it. When I'm manic I have two modes... party mode and f you mode. Party mode is wild and uninhibited with tons of sex (often risky sex is all I can thing about). and substances. Drinking. I started smoking. Music is soooo colorful and meaningful. F you mode is very irritable. I'm angry at everything. I might walk in front of traffic because I feel like Superman and cannot be hurt. I dare traffic to hit me. It's not a death wish, more like a test. I listen to very angry loud music. On repeat. I can't sit still... I pace around or walk around the block endlessly because sitting still feels painful. I kick walls and lamp posts to let the energy out. When I'm manic I often don't really know it until I come down from it... and as stated by another poster I have so many regrets.

In mania, I get periods of compulsiveness, a tendency to spend more than I can, and I expose myself to more risks overall (not sexual). But my main problem is rage. Rage outbursts that come out of nowhere and can damage me and other people for good.

In depression, I become like a living dead. Just as that. Apathy, some sadness, but overall utter zombieness.

How long do each last? No idea.

I also think my "mania and "depression" are just part of the way I am, I don't buy the "Bipolar Disorder" label. I hope I don't get moved to the Anti-Psych just because of that sentence.

I hope I don't get moved to the Anti-Psych just because of that sentence.

I didn't know whether to just leave this alone because it's perfectly fine. I just thought I'd go ahead and post this. That you are perfectly fine with your posting.

Dandy wrote:

quietgirl2538 wrote:Being manic means I can get sexually aggressive even with strangers or at least people I don't even find attractive. I make the moves on them. I don't feel anything different. I feel normal. But after the episode ends I ask myself why on earth did I do that.

Very well said! And this can also be applied to other topics.

Because we are anonymous here, and getting connected would be a challenge, I will say that when I read Quietgirl's quotation a little voice inside calls out, "Phone me. Where are you when I need you?"

We both know that this kind of behavior is ultimately unsatisfying. But it can feel okay in a strange kind of way at the moment.

So, don't phone me. In fact, you can't phone me. That's good. That's part of what makes this place safe and potentially helpful. Honesty that can't be expressed in regular company can be shared here.

More crazy rambling from Skilsaw.
Maybe I can get a syndicated show on 400 or 500 radio stations and hand out crazy comments and advice for outrageous sums of money. I have to give this idea more thought. It might keep me from dwelling on the things that make me cry.

Bui wrote:In mania, I get periods of compulsiveness, a tendency to spend more than I can, and I expose myself to more risks overall (not sexual). But my main problem is rage. Rage outbursts that come out of nowhere and can damage me and other people for good.

Rage...
First I was called intense. Then aggressive. Then violent... Unhinged... unpredictable... dangerous
That sort of fits the definition of "Rage".

But I've never been arrested and when my wife was divorcing me I never had a peace bond and was never banned from seeing my children. I've never been fired for acting out. The police did take me to hospital once. They were really good and didn't handcuff me even though it is part of their standard protocol for people who may be unstable. I am very thankful that they treated me with respect. I really needed that at the time.

My current psychiatrist says "You are not bipolar. You have a problem with Anger" I agree with the anger problem. I also identify with a lot of bipolar behavior. I'll give him 50% correct on that statement. He also says, " Your anger is attached to injustice." Wow. That was a realization. Just like "The Incredible Hulk" bad things happening to good people makes me angry.

I'm working on my rage or anger with my psychiatrist. Mostly it starts with viewing the injustice and learning other responses. Although beating up somebody who initiated the fight has been satisfying at times. It shouldn't be my first response or my only response. I need more tools in my tool box of interpersonal skills. Like I said, police have showed up a couple of times but I've never been arrested or charged, even though the other person has had to go to hospital. Witness statements saved me.

The real risk about raging on the street at people who are desperately seeking attention is that they might have a knife. I could get hurt.

I have to keep my rage under control.

here endith the inner voice on Rage and reflection on where I want to go plus what I want to do with rage in the future.
Aren't you lucky to have the benefit of my wisdom and transparent honesty! Actually, I am lucky to have BUI bring up Rage... and give me the opportunity to reflect.