Hi / Short intro / thanks / couple questions

There isn't a thread designated for Helpful Quotes. You should post one.

I'll share mine: "There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

I'll share in your thread, when you post it.

Sorry about your boss, How are your feeling about the whole situation? Is it affecting your mood a lot?

quietgirl2538 wrote:I'll share mine: "There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Love it, thanks for sharing.
I agree, although I felt for decades that if I shared some personal things or some sad things like *my dads alcoholic and hit my mom or so she says, my mom sick since she was born and angry at the world at times: The burden would be way too high, even 20% of it. And people usually don't want to hear that stuff, then they give you a look of "Gee, misery little man, stay away from me, only want to talk about my problems or funny things"

So that it takes me years to open up in real life.
Even to my docs for 2 years I had trouble opening up for the same reasons.

+ the fact that as a man you have to be strong. And that by ignoring this I could prove the world that despite a bunch of $#%^ that happened to me, Im still better off than kids in Syria or in Somalia, and can achieve and deliver, not live from social assistance like some family members. Thats also what people tell you. You feel depressed and sorry ? you whining little girl, go to a funny movie and get you $#%^ together lazy bum. And you know what ? its something I never expressed to my mom of course, but deep in me there ws a little voice wanting to tell her that. I had no f* clue until 2 years ago.

Anyhow.

Im starting to learn better; and even start to play with it a little, to see what friends or family will "stick around" even in troubled waters. Still have the belief that I should load them (especially my sister whos the only healthy one in the fam).

About my boss and the mood: thansk for asking: sad, angry, exhilarated because I told him what I think by staying calm but not bowing the head like a puppy; wanting to get him fired because I know thats what he deserves, wanting to resign, afraid to slap him in the face when I see him today; knowing that if I resign I do him a favor (perhaps not? since hes so worried about his image at the company). Feel guilty that I stood up to him for the first time in 5 years, yet proud. Feeling guilty because his wife is sick (cancer), but hell no dirsrespect, she has brest cancer and was diagnosed early. But $#%^, Ive been in the hospital 4 months, tied to a bed 2 nights etc... not him. So mixed mood yeah.

But I listen to your Enya song(s) and it soothes my heart.
And I saw 1 doc yesterday, see 1 tomorrow. Ill tell him to cut on the ADs or increase Lorazepam or whatever or strt some mood stabilizer (Latragine?), she gotta do some.

Anyway its been a sweet and soothing night, and it will be a good day Im sure despite the sad weather. Received more books + some relaxing chair with a drink holder. Loving it.
^^ Sorry off topic again ? I need to learn

But I listen to your Enya song(s) and it soothes my heart.
And I saw 1 doc yesterday, see 1 tomorrow. Ill tell him to cut on the ADs or increase Lorazepam or whatever or strt some mood stabilizer (Latragine?), she gotta do some.

Glad you got to see the one doc. Update here as you can. And I'm glad too, that you liked the Enya songs.

quietgirl2538 wrote:

But I listen to your Enya song(s) and it soothes my heart.
And I saw 1 doc yesterday, see 1 tomorrow. Ill tell him to cut on the ADs or increase Lorazepam or whatever or strt some mood stabilizer (Latragine?), she gotta do some.

Glad you got to see the one doc. Update here as you can. And I'm glad too, that you liked the Enya songs.

Yep. Thanks QG.
"Music was my first love", almost forgot that. Enyas excellent. Been needing that long.

Yep pdoc visit was good, I learnt to trust her (almost) fully - yeh fully I guess. And I appreciate that. Funnily I had an appointment with another doc, which I also like, but then they called me and sent me to another one. Sick it seems. With the winter theres some virus around I guess.

But that was fine, and was actually better, she knows me longer

She reassured me, adjusted meds so that I feel better and well see if that helps me come down a bit, thatd be good. Just need to wait a bit, relax, enjoy the days, watch for any improvements.
Only a bit sad that I still didnt get a full/clear diagnose, but maybe thats best ? I realize I still dont fully accept the situation. On one way at least. On the other Im reassured.

Hi Bernie, you asked:

Too much energy but OK, looking forward to relaxing WE
Started dreming again, what didnt happen for long - not sure if thats good ? quietgirl do you dream a lot ?

How's the energy today? I do dream a lot. Strange dreams. The other day I had a really triggering dream about suicide. Then I later learned a 14 year old male had done that at a school.

quietgirl2538 wrote:Hi Bernie, you asked:

Too much energy but OK, looking forward to relaxing WE
Started dreming again, what didnt happen for long - not sure if thats good ? quietgirl do you dream a lot ?

How's the energy today? I do dream a lot. Strange dreams. The other day I had a really triggering dream about suicide. Then I later learned a 14 year old male had done that at a school.

Hey qg. Thanks for your message,

Yesterday energy was really good, too high and too productive in the morning but later fine, I went swimming

Today so so, a bit wired but Ill stay home anyway, watch a movie. Lat night woke up at 2 and had the desire to draw, do things etc... did that for an hour, then back to bed for another 4 hours. Thats more or less OK I guess, still a bit angry with myself for it.

Yeah had weird dreams too lately; good ones too. One about fighting with my boss
Funny is just that I dont recall remembering my dreams in the last 4 years or not much really. Lately its back some.

There was a time when Id remember them almost everynight, would then wake up and write them shortly down in a little book. Then I woke up and checked the book and was 'reminded' of otherwise forgotten dreams.

Im thinking to do that again, it was nice, to understand sort of what was in my subconscious.

Another question - might be too recent, but have you had any recommendations on writing down your periods of psychosis ? I have the fear it would lead my brain on a path not to follow again. That its too soon.

Tuesday I see 2 docs again, goal is to ask/ request for a low dosis of some mood stabilizer. Will do a bit of research before. Perhaps get something against anxiety/some sedative..


Another topic: I guess Ill search here in the forum, but qg did you have experience personally with Meditation ? any specific kind, like guided or mantra-based ?

CHeers, have a good day, Love - Bernie

There isn't any thread about meditation, but other members do like to recommend this. You should start a new thread on that.

I usually have a vivid memory about my psychosis. But if it helps you explain to your pdoc better, then yes, write them down.

Wishing you lots of luck with the 2 docs and getting a mood stabilizer. Crossing fingers you get what you need in terms of necessary medication. Let us know how it goes. (I take Lamictal as a mood stabilizer; it's supposed to be really good for depression; I used to take lithium and that's really good for mania, I read. Then there are a few others I don't know much about them).

quietgirl2538 wrote:There isn't any thread about meditation, but other members do like to recommend this. You should start a new thread on that.

I usually have a vivid memory about my psychosis. But if it helps you explain to your pdoc better, then yes, write them down.

Wishing you lots of luck with the 2 docs and getting a mood stabilizer. Crossing fingers you get what you need in terms of necessary medication. Let us know how it goes. (I take Lamictal as a mood stabilizer; it's supposed to be really good for depression; I used to take lithium and that's really good for mania, I read. Then there are a few others I don't know much about them).

Thanks QG.

2 appointments were today. Whcih somehow excited me too, preparing them etc. and then its a longer drive.

Anyway pdoc and other doc both took it very seriously, its pretty clear Im in a manic phase, although Im pulling hard on the breaks, still symptoms are all there.

Problem is my assigned doc was not there again, so so another one who knows me but have little time.

Still, she stopped the AD (sertrline). She insisted, I was not sure.
Ill follow and see. I guess its good.
Next week I see again pdoc, hopefully we can agree on diagnose finally and perhaps start a mood stabilizer. Will be looking into the topic.

She also mentioned Quetiapin is state of the art (her opinion) but stil I find it great.
She mentioned another "newer" AD which is good also for bipolar ? I think it was Brintellix
Have to research it, or have somebody heard of it ?

Otherwise wired, but tomorrow I stay at home and will take it easy

Hi Bernie, I apologize for not responding sooner. But I did want to ask what's been going on with your pdoc visits? I've used Brintellix. It's great! Do you have a mood stabilizer yet?

About the question on meditation? I do sort of meditate. I have a really hard time concentrating, though. I've always been this way. But I sit still and let my mind just silence itself. I enjoy these deep and quiet moments. Sometimes I can't even listen to Enya, I just want silence.

I see the pdoc on Monday. I get to tell him how awful my depressive episode was, but that I'm back to feeling stable again.