Confused and hurt with BP wife

I am new to this and have questions/need help.

My wife has seemed to have issues with depression for a few years now. We have four kids and she was super sexual before having them. After our first, she was less and less interested. There were spurts of interest from her but mostly she claimed she was too tired and stressed. Two of our kids have medical issues with one being special needs. She has been a stay at home mom for just shy of 10 years. I am a graduate student who was working several jobs to make ends meet. Super busy. This past spring she seemed to get much worse. Lots of sleeping. I also noticed that she seemed to be much more peppy around our oldest son’s baseball trainer.

Around mid April, she asked if I could give her a night to get away. I agreed seeing how down and stressed she was. When my school semester ended in early to mid May, she asked to have a weekend to herself. I agreed. However, while she was gone, she seemed very different. She has always been the type to text and call a lot. This 4 days away she seemed very distant. The afternoon/ early evening before the day she was coming home, I asked her if she was ok. She took a while but said yes. I told her I was very worried. She said she just wanted to be completely away. So I relented. I was only worried for her safety. About 20 minutes from home on her way back, she texts me that we are having problems and she felt like we needed a separation. I was devastated and blind sided. She also begged that we move closer to family and away from where we were and to go to church more often. I later found a receipt in the car for a store 3 hours in the opposite direction of where she was supposed to be. She admitted to going to a different place than she had told me. But that was all. Later I discovered the baseball trainer was playing a baseball game in that town (he is a minor leaguer). She swore it was coincidental and nothing happened. Over the summer she left to be with his team on 5 separate occasions. I have now come to learn that she was having a sexual relationship with him. Unprotected mind you. Mid way through the summer, she was diagnosed as bipolar. However, she did not get medication until late July. I learned about the sexual nature of this in early August. She finally quit denying it. But kept up many lies.

The truth was only available in a slow trickle. Often only relinquished when I figured things out. She said she was manic when it all started but that she had slowly began to feel guilty about half way through it all. But she didn’t want to stop obviously. She attempted to see him in early August and I confronted her via phone about what she was doing. She said she would and was planning on ending it that time. I asked if she would have sex with him again. She said she didn’t plan to. I asked if that meant no, and her response was that she could not promise anything. She did not see him and returned home. I gave her an ultimatum to pick to be with me or not. She then admitted she had feelings for him. One day she wanted one thing, the next day another. She asked me to stay with her for a few months until the meds took full effect. The next day that was too suffocating and she would only wanna try for 2 weeks. Finally, she contacted him and asked for his intentions. He said he had feelings on occasion but that her life was too complicated. He is 8 years younger, single, and has no kids. She offered to come see him play one last time and be with him if he wanted to try. He didn’t wanna commit to anything beyond what they were doing.

She then went through the grieving process and also committed to me. She has since admitted everything she previously hid detail wise. She says she feels more mellowed out on her meds now but says she was very manic when it all started. She says she was a wreck and paced everywhere ran a lot etc. during that time. She said it died down some mid summer but by that time she had developed feelings for him. She said that she then had feelings for both of us. We had been together for 16 years (high school sweethearts). I wondered how she could be torn?!

From what I see everywhere it seems that usually a manic cheater goes back to their partner when they “wake up”. She was then connected and torn. She was very sexual with him. Sexting, tanning more, sexier underwear etc. With me this had been a problem for years as she seemed too tired and depressed. She claims she will spend the rest of her life committed to me and regretting this decision. Is all this normal? I am trying to make sure this was the bipolar and not just her being out of love with me or being a cheater. She is just now getting up to her full dose which she started a week after they broke it off. Please give me some words of wisdom and let me know what y’all think!

You've got a very complex situation on your hands, which is probably beyond the scope of what most people here can give advice on. However, I think it's important to realize that people in manic episodes make rash and impulsive decisions. As someone with bipolar disorder, I have ruined many wonderful relationships because I made spur-of-the-moment decisions. I'm no relationship therapist, so I can't give you any information on how to handle your situation, but I can tell you how bipolar disorder might affect your wife.

1. It seems to me like your wife was more on the manic side before you had kids, and went into a depressive episode afterwards. It's pretty typical for major life events to trigger a transition between these two states. Depressive episodes can, unfortunately, last for years and I wouldn't be surprised if she sought this extra-marital relationship as an attempt to escape the pit of horrible feelings that seemingly never go away. In this sense, untreated bipolar disorder can be directly tied to her decisions.
2. It sounds like you both want to give the treatment for bipolar a few weeks or months to "kick in" before deciding where to go with your relationship. Treatment, especially shortly after a diagnosis, can be a bit hit-or-miss and that's hardly enough of a time frame for her to feel stable and normal again. Reflecting on my decisions in past relationships, I think it would be a better idea to get a relationship counselor and try and work things out. It's typical for a bipolar person to want a quick fix for very difficult problems and emotions, but in the end it may end up causing more problems than it solves.

Take your time and see if you can work things out, and most importantly, seek professional help. The people in this forum can give you insight as to why she may have made those decisions but ultimately, we don't know your life or relationship so you must see somebody in person. Good luck!

I really feel for you I am male with a 6/7 year relationship with a bipolar partner and she is in the process of leaving. You have kids so this must be very hard for you as most people put their kids before themselves and often make decisions based on this. I will be blunt ( sorry) she has cheated and that demon will remain forever now as you would have lost your trust somewhat and think this may happen again.Medication or not the feeling still remains that she has cheated and of course it hurts.How to go with your feelings now? I can only hope you find some answers and although the kids will come to mind you have to think about you too and not destroy yourself. If she did not have bipolar would you leave?
Maybe try to ask yourself these sort of questions I really cannot say much more good luck all the best.

I'm a woman in my early 20s with bipolar disorder. In July, I was prescribed anti-depressants and told by my doctor that in bipolar patients, anti-depressants could sometimes trigger a manic episode. Sure enough, after a few weeks, I started to feel like a new person. I felt happy awhile, but then I started getting angry easily with my boyfriend of 2 years, and started to feel hyper-sexual. I became more flirty with other men, I made bad decisions, and these decisions tore me apart inside. The manic episode ended up going away on its own, and when I saw my doctor next, she gave me mood stabilizers that I could take if I felt I needed them. My point is, although your situation is terrible, it isn't uncommon for people with bipolar disorder. I want to add that I love my boyfriend, and I can't believe what I did, and I can't imagine doing it again.

Living with someone who is bipolar can be extremely difficult and painful. I hope your wife's new medications help, and if they don't, keep trying new treatments until you guys find one that works for her.