My family don’t believe me

Hi
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about ten years ago. My father received a diagnosis of Manic Depression combined with alcoholism in the 1980s but refused to acknowledge it and developed a hatred of all medical professionals. His messiah complex eventually became permanently real to him and when he was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer with a massive tumour near the stomach he refused all medical treatment and literally starved himself to death with a firm belief that the lord would save him. Just before he passed the realisation that he was, in fact, going to die and the lord was not going to save him was the most heartbreaking moment of my life.

I was diagnosed a couple of years later when a depressive episode that followed a year long hypomanic episode would not shift with normal anti depressants. Looking at my medical history with my psychiatrist it seemed I had had over 35 episodes up till my diagnosis.

My family however are unsympathetic in the extreme and have put all the crazy things I did whilst manic down to sheer bad behaviour and now I’m just making excuses. My sister in particular brings up old issues continually (like out of control spending and racking up debt) and shouts at me regularly for being irresponsible and stupid and that I need to get a grip otherwise I’ll end up like our Dad.

I have given up responding now because no matter what I say I’m just making excuses. “You’re always bloody depressed, that’s why we (my brother and sister) are so afraid to bring up your behaviour or tell you the truth about your stupidity and recklessness, you just start blubbing and making excuses”
My brother deals with it differently from my sister. When times have been bad he does help a lot - and now I owe him thousands of pounds as well. He listens, then says what help do you need and I have to ask him for a loan. He does not, ever, talk about it or engage in a conversation to understand the disease and not the symptoms, and I know the two of them just think I’m a lost cause who makes excuses.

Once my sister said “what have you got to be depressed about?” and when I replied that” that right there tells me you have never experienced depression and you STILL don’t understand that depression just happens, all the time, and it’s nothing to do with life events”

Ironically, although she clearly has not read (or just dismissed) any mental health posts or articles - she actually shares them all on Facebook. So to the outside world she does understand and she is supportive. She also is an alternative therapy nut and her latest craze Kefir is pushed continually as the cure to every single one of my mental and physical ills. It must be magic if it can replace the flattened discs in my spine evident from my MRI scans. I should clarify I’m also officially “disabled” as I have degenerative disc disorder and arthritis and need two hip replacements. There is no cure for any of my health issues and I am in constant pain, especially when in bed.

In spite of all this, in my professional life, I have a senior leadership role, I am widely respected in the industry and am considered to an expert in my field. But I also live in a rented house because I have far too much debt to ever get a mortgage and my husband is self employed. My brother and sister meanwhile are uber successful financially - huge houses (and holiday homes all over the world) no mortgages, no debt and plenty of cash in the bank. They have never been in a bad debt spiral so have no understanding of that either.

I’ve made my siblings sound awful in this post and that’s totally not the case, they are funny, loving, generous, we generally get on great and we are a close family unit currently dealing with our 88 yo mother with vascular dementia (and arthritis, I got all the good genes) who is fading gradually. We all love each other very much, we just don’t ever talk about any of my many health issues because deep down I know they think I’m making it all up.

So how do I get them to understand that actually I am quite sensible when I’m well, I just don’t have many sustained periods of “wellness” and I have to live with the fact that there is always another depression round the corner waiting to pounce.

Does anyone have any suggestions how I can make them understand that not everything I have done has been thought through like a normal person. I’m not stupid and I am certainly paying for my genetic misfortune, I have no money, no savings, hardly any pension and I rent my home. I’m 52 and I’m a financial failure.

If anybody got to the end of this thank you, and ideas would help

I sympathize with you. Sometimes siblings are just not good friends and maybe they're not meant to be. There's nothing that says you have to have a good relationship with them. There's usually some deep rooted hatred if you didn't get along well as kids. I confide in coworkers and friends more, and if not a psychologist. They are far less judgmental and give less biased advice. I am kind to my siblings when I see them but mostly ignore them now.

You can also flat out tell them how you feel and that you love them but you don't want any negative criticism or advice from them.

I do love my family and we have always been close, it’s just this one issue that spoils it. I absolutely adored my sister in law who was like a best friend and sister, she never judged, ever. She tried to understand, and she was always there. Sadly she died from breast cancer a few years ago and I think I just miss her calm and wise counsel in the family. I have four nephews who I absolutely adore as well so it’s not easy to break ties and I don’t really want to - I just want them to stop judging me and make an effort to understand it a bit.