My mind can't slow down and my anxiety is through the roof. Constant leg shake, I catch it and stop then catch it again. I want my mood to swing back up, I want to believe I am capable of anything but I can't. No matter how hard I try to will it into my mind, it won't stick. What's there now is feeling like a failure for moving from one state to another to care for my elderly grandmother that now loathes me because she's in nursing. Feeling like I have no purpose because I'm not doing something wonderful with my life. Feeling alone even though I have a child, a boyfriend, and 5 dogs that need pet.
I want to work but I don't want to. I don't have the energy or happiness it takes to be what I do, a saleswoman. I know I can't handle the rejection that goes with sales right now. I cried for a half hour last night because my boyfriend rejected sex in the middle of the night, he was tired. I have to know that he loves me and wants me and when he doesn't want me right then I need to be ok with that, but I'm not.
I want to be normal and have feelings that make sense, feelings that match the situations but I don't and I cant make it happen. Spending a lot of time laying down and trying to rest because there is no rest for my brain so my body compensates. Yesterday I threw up all day, just felt like crap. I don't think it's actually a physical illness, I think it's my mental illness causing it. I can't eat right, usually can't eat much at all. Yesterday I tried a cookie, my body needed something, hadn't ate for a while. Usually I love cookies and can eat them all but I took a bite and spit it out because I couldn't stand to chew anything, don't want to take the time to force myself to eat.
Why can't I just make it go away and be able to lift myself up? Why do I tear myself down, feel like leaving the planet would benefit everyone? I think the psychological effects my illness has on my children are horrible and I ruined their childhoods. I constantly fear my boyfriend leaving me because I think he can't stand me. Truth is I can't stand me so how could I expect him to?
My grandmother would tell me bipolar is a cop out and to stop taking my meds. I contemplate that and think if this is the depression on meds I really don't see me getting better off them. Maybe I would, maybe it would kick me into a euphoric high after the hideous coming off. The brain zaps from dropping one of them really scare me.
If I can hit that high, I can fly and get any job and go anywhere to do it. I work hard and sleep well and love life in the upswing, why can't I always be in the upswing? Why do I have to fight? I want to give up but I can't. I can't check out of the world yet so I will stay in my room and hide from everyone so I don't hurt them with my sadness.
I've passed out twice in a week, 4 times in 3 months now. Not sure if the anxiety is taking me out, if it's just a body shut down? I found myself on the kitchen floor yesterday. Not sure how long I was there, nobody was home. The time before that I had a beautiful goose egg from falling in the bedroom, that time I opened my eyes to a worried Fred.
People keep saying it's controllable and it's all in my mind. I wish that were true. I've tried the natural remedies of valerian, melatonin, and 5-HTP. I don't know if any of those were making me sick so I discontinued all of them. The valerian was helping but I am almost certain that's what begins the vomiting. I was very ill twice since taking the valerian.
I'm sleeping at night but my dreams are so vivid I feel no rest. I feel like I have nobody to talk to about it. My boyfriend doesn't understand so I irritate him when I talk about it. There aren't any psych docs where we live and family docs usually take over prescribing from the psych which is my current situation. Is a family doc knowledgeable in bipolar medications enough to change my meds or do they know enough about it to understand what I need?
The last psych I had told me my issue was coping skills. That's a person that does not understand mental health and somehow is a practitioner. Coping skills is what I'm writing from, coping skills is why I'm alive and haven't killed myself in the breakdowns, coping skills is how I maintain not being hospitalized for harming myself or wanting to. I've been through years of therapy to develop these coping skills and I'm certain that's how I can identify my downswings. She was a Kentucky Dr that I saw on Skype from the remote office in rural Colorado where I live. She said because marijuana is legal where I live she wouldn't prescribe any antianxiety meds. With it being so difficult to obtain help I am managing ok. Or not. Who cares? Now that's a stupid question, nobody cares. They all love me in the upswing and none of them care in the downswing. Always been that way.
I used to read a lot, romance novels or mystery but I have no desire to pick up a book and attempt to venture into it. My backyard needs my attention but I just look at it and leave it. The house needs more work but I don't want to do anything but lay down. Usually love music and let it take me away but lately I turn it off because I can't relate and that annoys me.
When a good mood finds me it's fleeting or really well acted out. I've learned to pretend to be happy around others but even then it's with a cost, faking it only makes me feel more isolated and guilty for not being normal. I think maybe working would help me escape but in reality it will add to it. I'll have more stress, new stressors on top of the ones I'm running from. New issues to deal with, new people potentially negitavely effecting me. The original stressors will still be home when I get there, needed when I don't have the capacity to handle it.
I know I'm not alone in this but I feel so alone.
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