Newbie here... struggling TW

Hi everyone... I’m a 41 year old woman and have had bipolar 2 since I was a teenager but was diagnosed at 30. I’m ready to give up. I have tried so many meds and they either don’t work, make me worse or make me gain weight. I’ve gained 30 lbs this year and I can’t handle that. I’m currently on lamotrigine, clonazepam and Ativan as needed. I never go out. I’m so unmotivated and have severe anxiety and panic attacks. My 17 year old daughter does all the grocery shopping and errands. I’m on welfare now which humiliates me and applying for disability but usually you get turned down and have to fight it . I was prescribed seroquel again a month ago. After 2 weeks and 6 lbs gain I decided today to stop it. It did calm my mind but as pathetic as it is I cannot deal with weight gain. I am chronically severely depressed now. I rarely get hypomanic and if I do it isn’t pleasant. I bawl easily over nothing, barely leave my room, have no life and no support. I live in the boonies so I can’t just see my psychiatrist or even call him whenever. He said if my current meds dont work he wants to try Saphris but I’ve read negative reviews on it , of course including weight gain.I think even he is ready to give up on me. I truly hate my life. I don’t know how much longer I can handle it it. How do you get through? I’m sorry if this is triggering but I really have no one. Thank you for this forum. I read so many posts but figured to come out of the shadows and post.

You take Lamictal - mood stabilizer, Ativan - short duration benzo, Klonopin - long duration benzo. Many on here also take an anti-psychotic that helps with irritability and other symptoms. I can't say I recommend one specifically: most have pros and cons.
Sounds like your lifestyle is bringing you down. I would try to go for long walks or exercise and do whatever boosts your mood. Stay busy with hobbies. Meet some new people. Life can be better on the right meds and with more support.

Thank you for your response. I just stopped the anti psychotic. It did help with anxiety but I can’t hamdle the weight gain and the worries because I already have bad cholesterol and bad family history of heart attacks. I also have bad social anxiety with panic attacks. I also have a bad knee injury but have been gardening and trying to walk a little more. I do knit and do puzzles to try to take my mind to a different place.

I wish I had support. I have my 17 year old daughter who is as understanding as she can be but I hate to place the burden of my illness on her. My family lives down south and I have almost no relationship with my sister because her husband hates me. He is a police officer and has dealt with so much mental illness that’s he has built up distaim for those who suffer. She is also angry that I only seem to talk to her for support so I stopped. My mom is supportive but has her own mental health issues and is recovering from breast cancer and a stroke. I don’t want to burden her either. My psychiatrist only visits town every few months and has many patients here so his time is limited. If I have a bad reaction to a med he isn’t even available by phone even by the pharmacy. I ran out of meds once and thank god my family dr called on repeats.

I’m so sad too because my son has left the nest for college and work even though he doesn’t understand my illness and seems angry with me for my failures. I have been a single mother and helped them through issues of their father being hurtful towards them
Since they were young children and now he seems to be my sons favorite. I lost him to his dad after I raised him to be the wonderful young man he is. If I’ve done anything good in my life it’s raising them.

I’ve gotten worse the past few years and I don’t know how to get better. Meds seem to not work or have terrible side effects. My dr says I have treatment resistant depression. I don’t want to try his next suggestion.. saphris because apparently it’s a weight gainer. I have some gabapentin left so I’m taking it until I see my psychiatrist again. I’m a downer and no one wants to be around an anti social downer.

Sounds like some therapy might be helpful. You raised your son and have empty nest syndrome. Maybe it's just best to let go somewhat and let him be independent and focus on yourself. I think you need more help from a psychiatrist than occasionally if you can drive or even move to somewhere with better mental health services. Medication really makes a big difference but if you have a lot of life issues then you're still not going to be happy. Even weight gain is better than being unstable IMO.