Devastated after a manic episode

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2012 and head at least 5 episodes of mania/hypomania and depression despite taking medications. The last one however really destroyed me after recovering from mania, I felt like I do not want to do anything anymore. I sat on a chair smoking two packs of cigarettes, I lost all my confidence. I feel like my personality has been annihilated, I can not relate to the things that once gave me strength to my values I am hardly able to respond to a question and the brain is so slow I cannot make decisions it seems like I am totally lost. Has anyone ever experienced this?Thank you!!!

I can relate.... you are feeling depressed? I was recently so depressed I could not function at work at all... I had days where I could not manage to think about the most normal day-to-day tasks. Projects I was good at for years. And suddenly I just couldn't do them at all. Was so frustrating. I was agitated and slamming my mouse down on my desk. And cursing.

I can also relate to the slow brain thing. The fog. A med change helped me... I went back on lithium and after two weeks I am back to myself again. (I did wait my job in the meantime and now feel so much happier).

Do you take meds? Have a therapist to talk to about this?

I have absolutely experienced this. You are not alone. I've had those same exact symptoms. Before I was properly diagnosed and taking the right medication, each cycle got worse. It looked something like this over time:

Baseline slightly depressed-->Mild hypomania-->Moderately depressed-->Repeat
Then
Baseline slightly depressed-->Moderate hypomania-->Majorly depressed-->Repeat
Then
Baseline moderately depressed-->Moderate hypomania-->Majorly depressed-->Repeat
Then
Baseline moderately depressed-->Mixed hypomania-->Extremely depressed-->Repeat
Then
Baseline moderately depressed-->brief hypomania-->mania-->debilitatingly depressed-->Repeat
Then
Baseline majorly depressed-->brief hypomania-->mixed mania-->debilitatingly depressed-->Repeat
Then
Baseline majorly depressed-->bried hypomania-->mixed mania-->extreme mania-->psychosis

Then I finally got the right help because of the psychosis. I fought it at first, but with medication and stuff, things started to sort of go back down the opposite direction of all that. It wasn't a clear curve. There were plenty of nuances. But you get the jist. Now it usually looks like this for me:

Baseline normal (YAY!)-->slight depression-->mixed hypomania-->moderate depression-->repeat

Occasionally there is a steeper rise or drop in there, to more mania or more intense depression, but for the most part it's much better. Also, cycles are shorter and there is a lot more time between cycles than before.

Sometimes all it takes is a medication increase. I would definitely recommend talking to your p-doc about it.

Has anyone one ever experienced this? Yes I have. So have many. You are not alone, even though it may feel like it. This thing can be fought, so don't ever give up! Pace yourself, be kind to yourself. Keep on seeking help. You are doing really well, still surviving after all you have been through. No wonder you are exhausted. Take a breather and keep going.

After my first hospitalization I felt this way. I slept so much from all the medication I was taking and also from being so majorly depressed. I felt just like you describe, which by the way is an excellent description of how I had felt back then 12 years ago. I told my one close friend at the time to please don't say the word "crazy" at all because I was very sensitive to hearing that word and I would instantly cry because I felt that I had surely gone crazy and no one at that time could convince me otherwise. I felt very vulnerable and my emotions were out of whack. Meaning I was afraid to be around people, I was afraid to get sick with mania and pyschosis again. I had psychosis for a very long time, I am too ashamed to say how long even here. My doctor knows but that's about it. I feel like people can't handle what was going through my mind so I don't say anything. They say doctors have heard it all. I don't always believe that. But slowly I could trust him and I told him and he said that was in the past. What is important is to treat symptoms as they show up. Hugs if wanted.

Bipolar dog. No need to feel alone man I am going through this right now. Trust me you're not the only one. I went on a 9 month unmedicated psychotic episode myself. it's been about a year and my brain is completely damaged. have memory problems now. Personality has changed. now my sleep cycle and my bipolar is worse than it has ever been my whole life. trust me you're not the only one man. this gets worse as we age. I'm now back on medication. But still delusional. Paranoid angry somewhat violent sometimes. And have trouble remembering anything. My motivation is still there but have been hit with a one-month pression.

Thank you all for your answers they are most welcome and I feel grateful for them. As I write I can say that I have a very very mild improvement. Now I take 500 mg Lithium split into 2 doses, in the morning and in the evening, Anafranil 50 mg morning, lunch and evening, Duloxetine a.k.a Cimbalta/Dulsevia, 60 mg in the morning and at lunch, Seroquel 300 mg in the evening and Tritico 2/3.
I can’t say I have improved much, it’s been 3 months since it started, I didn’t manage to rebuild myself, I kind of try to kill time as much as I can, hoping that the meds will do their job. But I can see it is not a productive strategy. At the same time, I find it hard to rebuild, I am, at least now an instant gratification guy and I procrastinate. I also have the OCD as a comorbidity illness and it does complicate things a lot.

I am sorry to hear you have been struggling. “Calm seas never made a skilled sailor” You are learning to master your mood. The only constant in life is change.

You have a unique perspective on life. You have felt emotions on a deeper level than most. Perhaps in a way your struggle is a gift. Tell your story. Focus on being a good person- kind and compassionate. There are a lot of people out there looking for connection. Find them!

I can relate to your situation. Every few years I have a major manic episode followed by severe depression. It can start to really wear you down. I question whether I want to be on this earth anymore on a regular basis. I have been in so much pain in my life, sometimes I feel like I can’t take it anymore! Luckily I have been taking steps towards having better health and I have a great support system. You can take steps too towards wellness and peace. I just know there are good things in your future, be open to the amazing love the Universe has to offer. Don’t be too hard on yourself either. Best of luck to you!

This is your life, like it or not. I know that feeling and sometimes it seems like too much. I hardly ever notice it myself anymore, my wife has to tell me. I wish there was an off switch that we could all flip and be "normal", but what is that? Too many people struggle with this and never seek help, I hope they do. Meds can help where others cannot. Family, friends, they try to understand, but until someone lives this life, how can they. I don't want to be a cog but I envy those that can live that life, some days. This is part of who I am and I'm trying to embrace it. Every day I look in the faces of my children and hope they never live this life, but know if they do, I hope to be there to help walk them through it. The ups and downs hurt but you just have to fight! I don't know if my ramblings will help but I and everyone else is here to help you the best we can.