I must be some kind of masochist?!

I feel like I lowkey want to be depressed. Depression has been a part of me for a long time- I got depressed when I was in grade ten, now I'm in my second semester at university. I've been recovered from my most recent depressive episode for about three and a half months and it almost seems like I want to be in another one. I had to stop the med that works for me for a few days and it seemed like I might have to stop it forever and about 20% of me wanted that to happen. Isn't it messed up that even a small part of me wanted that at all?

Has anyone else experienced this? If you have, why?

neurosies,

I might be doubly crazy for saying this, but I don't think it's too crazy to feel that way. If you have spent a large amount of time living a certain way, then it can be hard to adapt to a change, even if that change is technically for the better.

I have actually had a similar experience. Even though I was absolutely miserable and totally nuts before being diagnosed and taking meds, there is/was some level of strange comfort in the familiarity. When things started to get better, a part of me missed the way it was, mostly because I didn't know what to do with my emotions. It took a long while for that to start to subside.

From time to time this feeling comes back. Suddenly I'll start missing some weird part of me that I believe I lost, and then I'll consider going off my meds. I haven't though, which is probably good for sanity's sake. But anyway... You're not alone. Like you, I have used "masochist" as a self descriptor. I'm remembering that I even searched the web looking for the reasonings behind it and answers to my many questions. I didn't have much luck. But now you're asking and you have me. I hope that I can be helpful if you have more questions. PM me anytime.

Breezewriter

That makes complete sense, I'm glad someone relates. Thank you for your reply, it is very helpful!