I don't feel human

I am bipolar. Its been over two years since I was diagnosed. I don't know which type, if I remember correctly my doctor called it "unspecified", whatever the hell that means. I am on lamictal, 400mg daily. It helps, when I'm off it for too long my cycles get so bad I'm a danger to myself.

I don't feel human. I try to explain to people what goes on in my head, the way my mind thinks. I try to make them understand that much of the time I have very little control over my emotions. They say they understand, and I know they want to. But, they can't. They can't, and eventually they begin to distance themselves because it all gets to be too much for them. So I'm left with the choice of holding it all inside and pretending it's all ok forever just so I don't push everyone away, or telling the truth and end up not having anyone want to talk to me because it gets to be too much.

I still haven't reached the point where I don't see my bipolar as a personal failure. I hate myself for it, hate that I don't have absolute control over it. I think so little of myself, and I always disbelieve people who think I'm a good person.

I am bipolar, and I still have no idea how to live with it.
I am bipolar, and I'm tired of just surviving with it.
I am bipolar, and I'm tired of being a victim to it.
I am bipolar, and I'm tired of running from it.
I am bipolar, and I don't want that to be all that I am.

Bipolar is a small part of who you are so don't let it define you but understand how it affects you. It sounds like you may want to get some therapy. That can be a tremendous help when first diagnosed to understand yourself better and get some positive feedback. The other thing is find the right meds can be a journey but it will pay off and you should be happy and fairly normal.

I am getting therapy, my therapist is very very good. But would just getting started, and I know it's a long way to go. I've been mostly hiding from my bipolar since I was diagnosed with it. I'll admit that I have it, but it's only the past few weeks I've really admitted how much it affects my life, and how much I don't want it to affect my life anymore. This is the first time that I am openly admitting not only to everyone else, but even to myself, how much I struggle with it. And I am getting help, and I'll get to where I need to be. I just have to learn a little bit of patience, LOL

Well just remember it's not your fault and it's not anything to be ashamed of. I would still be careful who you tell as they might negatively judge you with an immediate label. I dated someone for almost a year and never told them. Although it depends, it may be helpful depending on how understanding they are. I recommend the book The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide.

I always want to be honest with people about my bipolar, but I have been reconsidering that. It makes people so wary. There is so little understanding. Compassion, yes. Understanding, no. And I will have to check out that book. I've never read a book on bipolar before. Been diagnosed for over two years and I'm only just now trying to understand it.