I am bipolar. Its been over two years since I was diagnosed. I don't know which type, if I remember correctly my doctor called it "unspecified", whatever the hell that means. I am on lamictal, 400mg daily. It helps, when I'm off it for too long my cycles get so bad I'm a danger to myself.
I don't feel human. I try to explain to people what goes on in my head, the way my mind thinks. I try to make them understand that much of the time I have very little control over my emotions. They say they understand, and I know they want to. But, they can't. They can't, and eventually they begin to distance themselves because it all gets to be too much for them. So I'm left with the choice of holding it all inside and pretending it's all ok forever just so I don't push everyone away, or telling the truth and end up not having anyone want to talk to me because it gets to be too much.
I still haven't reached the point where I don't see my bipolar as a personal failure. I hate myself for it, hate that I don't have absolute control over it. I think so little of myself, and I always disbelieve people who think I'm a good person.
I am bipolar, and I still have no idea how to live with it.
I am bipolar, and I'm tired of just surviving with it.
I am bipolar, and I'm tired of being a victim to it.
I am bipolar, and I'm tired of running from it.
I am bipolar, and I don't want that to be all that I am.