Feel like the walls are closing in

I honestly fear for my well being, I am so scared of how all this will end up. I have been getting worse week after week, and month after month since last fall. Everyday is constant depression, anxiety so bad it borders on paranoia, I get intrusive thoughts, my thoughts race so badly and I get obsessions that consume all of my time and energy. My moods swing. I feel like I am going to go crazy or lose my sanity. I spend too much time alone in my room and in my house. I can't function at all. I am like this whether I'm around people or by myself. It feels like I have no control over anything, that I cannot alter or change anything about my situation. I drink sometimes to escape. I feel abandoned, isolated, like no one wants anything to do with me, like people have something against me. I hide from the world.

I was diagnosed recently with bi polar disorder among other diagnoses that I already have. I'm in therapy with a new therapist, but it has not been helping yet, and the medications I am on are not doing anything for my symptoms. I want to find a new dr as I am really unhappy with my current one and how he treats me. He even mentioned that I see a new dr because we were not on the same page about the medications. And his answer to everything is "admit yourself" "go inpatient" which I did back in February and it did nothing but put me on medications that made me worse and they had to be changed.

I feel I failed as a human being, I failed myself for not finding happiness, for not being where I want to be or how I'd like to be. I failed as a son too. I feel guilty that my mom is unwell because I am unwell. She worries about me a lot and doesn't know how to help me which makes her feel frustrated, helpless, and does not know what to do, I feel bad about that, I feel bad that we argue. I wish my mom was happy with me and proud of me. I feel I failed my family and friends too. I wish I had a healthier stable relationship with them and I could help them out and do some good in everyone's lives. I just feel completely useless as a person, and worthless. I only keep going to not hurt my mother and because I am too scared to act out on urges to hurt myself or attempt suicide.

I cannot sustain this, I cannot go on like this, I don't know what to do. I am scared of the future, of staying like this or getting worse, because if it does, than how will I end up??

I'm not diagnosing your mood state, but it sounds like my mixed episodes AKA Hell. I'm sorry your doctor isn't helping at all, but is there any chance he might be able to do some good for this? I'm not on meds atm but if I were going into a mixed episode I would go back on an antipsychotic (the only thing that helps me for mania/mixed states) in an instant. If your doctor won't help maybe going to the ER would be the best thing. I know they weren't helpful last time, but it would keep you safe and maybe a new med will help, and most hospitals will help patients find new psychiatrists and therapists so maybe that's an option. Just make sure you emphasize the racing thoughts, obsessions and anxiety because you don't want the doc thinking it's a pure depression and making you worse with an antidepressant.
It sounds like you're going through a really hard time right now and I'm really sorry you're suffering. I hope you feel better quickly

Thanks. I was having so many suicidal ideations today. They were so long and deep, that the thoughts went further than just ideations. I don’t know if it is worth trying therapy or medications anymore, nothing has helped and I don’t think nothing will, it is pretty hopeless and I feel I am beyond help. I just feel bad for my mother, that’s what hurts the most, I don’t think she would understand or be ok. I feel this is pretty much it. I just want to quietly disappear, remove myself. Nobody will notice and it will be as if I never even existed. That’s all I want.

I understand those thoughts, but it's your state taking over. You WILL get through this! It might take a week or months, but you will come out of this eventually. You just gotta give yourself the chance. I've been there before with feeling like I'll never get better, why should I keep up with this, my doctor can't help so no one can, and it's really hard. Is there another program you could go to to be seen more frequently, IOP or PHP? I went to a private IOP with an amazing pdoc who brought me back to sanity and stability when no one else would or could; I had to go through dozens of medication combinations and a few hospitalizations before finding something that really helped, and I'm so glad I did. The groups have helped a lot with day to day things too and establishing healthy habits to prevent going down the rabbit hole. Since you're having these thoughts I strongly suggest inpatient right now, maybe you could ask to go to a different hospital at the ER or go to a different ER all together.

I'm not sure where you live, but there are definitely better pdocs out there who will be willing to work with you better than your current one, and really that makes all the difference.
Get better Olddays, do if for your mom and do it for you. You reached out here which is a good step, keep in touch.
*Hugs* if wanted

How are you feeling, olddays?