Dissociation/derealization and feeling disconnected

Hey, this is my first post in this forum, but I'm just going to go ahead and jump right in.

So I'm bipolar type 1 (rapid cycling, I'm pretty sure), and recently I've been feeling extreme derealization. Other than feeling moderately depressed, I'm not having any sort of real episode, but the world around me and the people in it just seem so far away when they're right in front of me. Most people talk to me and I can only pretend to connect to what they're saying, when in reality it makes no sense to me and I'll most likely forget what was said as soon as the conversation is over. When people talk to me for more than a few minutes, I can feel myself slipping away from the conversation, and suddenly i'm just watching them talk at me like i'm in an underwater tunnel. With friends that I'm really comfortable with, sometimes I'll literally tell them, "Please, stop talking to me. I can't comprehend or connect with what you're saying and it exhausts me to pretend like I do," and the friends who know me and my disorder well understand and don't mind. But with most people, I have to just sit there and act like human interaction makes sense to me, when it doesn't.

I feel as if I'm an alien, inhabiting a foreign human body on this foreign planet, forced to blend in by feigning genuine connection. I see people around me connecting to others easily but I just cant seem to get it. I was at a party last night, and for the first couple hours all was (mostly) well. But the louder, crazier, and drunker the party became, the more painfully aware I was that I couldn't connect and have fun with all of these people the way they did with each other. I began to retreat, and by the end of the party all of my friends were annoyed with me for being so antisocial, but how was I supposed to explain to them that being at that party was like being dropped into a black and white silent film that I didn't belong in?

Some people stand out amidst all of the haze, like lights in fog with varying amounts brightness. People that I, for whatever reason, feel more connected to than most. Sometimes I like to think of them as aliens from my planet as well, inhabiting human bodies, and that's why I can connect with them more easily. But even then, it's been so long since I genuinely connected with someone that whenever the possibility of it rises, I retreat.

I'm sorry this is so long, but has anyone else ever felt this way? It makes me feel like I'll never have a real friendship, never have a real relationship, ever again, and that makes me really hopeless.

P.S. For the record, I am prescribed Lamictal, but I don't take it (surprise, surprise (classic bipolar lmao)). So essentially I'm unmedicated right now. No, I will probably not start taking medication again any time soon.

Hello & welcome!

I very frequently experience dissociation. It almost always happens while I am at work, or even working on something at home. It also happens in a crowded place, like a store, a bar, restaurant, etc.. So I guess it's a response to stress for me.

There have been many times since I was a teen that life would feel "fake". Like I was living in a dream. Everything has a "haze" and it's really unsettling, because sometimes I think I am actually dead when it happens. There has been a couple of times that I didn't even know who I was. I would get scared hearing my own voice, or not know who the reflection in the mirror was.

I don't leave the house often, but your story about the party you were at is my story every time I have been to a party. I am very antisocial, so I get you. Just last weekend I was at my bf's house and his mom and dad came in his room and they were talking to each other, his mom talking to me, his did talking to him, all while I was trying to watch The Walking Dead... I was trying hard to not "freak" but I was really starting to lose it. Like you, I just wanted to say, "please stop talking to me". I really have no idea how to have a conversation with anyone, which is sad since I have known my bf's family for 3 years.

I obviously don't have advice, but I can totally relate. For the record, I am only diagnosed with Bipolar I. My counselor and every NP and pdoc I have seen know about this (the dissociation/derealization), and it's always just been "Bipolar I".

Definitely sounds relatable. I think you should give the meds a shot. I was skeptical at first of meds but they made me functional socially and academically.

You could get your dissociative symptoms evaluated. You can start the evaluation on your own; look up the Dissociative Experiences Scale.

Getting an evaluation is worthwhile because there is a treatment. Treatment is highly effective and involves mostly talk therapy.