Mania is coming back

Hello.

I am diagnosed schizoaffective bipolar type 1 and ptsd. I have also been treated for dissociative identity disorder. A few years ago I had my last major manic episode and since have been depressed. But I've been very stable despite the depression. Now I'm experiencing hypo mania, I don't believe it's full blown because I'm still managingbut I feel so good. I dread going to my doctor because I know he will take my happiness away. I see it this way, it's not harming anyone. So why take away my happiness? I'm talkative and actually enjoy life when before I was just depressed. I think it's really mean that I'm not allowed to be happy. The doctor won't want me to be happy. My friends, family and significant other will be like oh no you can't be happy and I don't see why. I mean I do in a way see the logic but how come nobody cares when you are depressed? Just when you have mania, it's like any measure possible to stop it.

Rant over.

I totally get you. I have Bipolar I and I have the euphoric mania (which I love). But my depression is quite awful and long lasting and I am not "allowed" to take antidepressants because of the one time I got manic from Prozac. So it's like, "here, take all of these meds to completely get rid of your mania but don't do $#%^ for your depression and we're not going to treat your depression because we don't want you manic".

Although, I know why. It may start out wonderful, but gets very dangerous. I have been in the hospital for it. But still...

I get hospitalized everytime I have full blown mania. So deep down I know I gotta face the doctor and Mrs change. Just really bummed that the party is coming to an end because I do see my doctor soon. And I know exactly what will happen, he'll stop the anti depressants, maybe play with other meds and then bam, I'll sleep a lot and be depressed. I just wish I could be in the "on coming mania" state forever because it's the perfect level of happiness before it spirals. Ah well, what Ya gonna do?

I just wish I could be in the "on coming mania" state forever because it's the perfect level of happiness before it spirals.

This would be lovely.

But at least you know it can become destructive and land you in the hospital and it's something you have to take care of before it gets to that point. Stay safe!

I, too, wish I could get the feel good part of mania all the time. A few years back I could've written your post myself. It really is important to get treated though because mania can turn really ugly really fast. There's also this thing called the kindling theory (I think its called that?) where, over time, episodes become more severe and harder to treat. I tend to believe this from my personal experience too.
Have you discussed your concerns with your doctor? I think its a really good idea to make an appointment with him/her and have him explain to you why he is treating your mania and not trying to take your happiness away and also let him know that the mania is coming back.

voracious_lemon wrote:There's also this thing called the kindling theory (I think its called that?) where, over time, episodes become more severe and harder to treat. I tend to believe this from my personal experience too.

This is interesting, I have never heard this before. I have read that the longer bipolar goes untreated, the worse the episodes get as you age, I wonder if that is the same thing. Like you, I have experienced this. My depression and mania did get worse every time I had an episode. I have been on medication for 4 years now, and so my episodes are not as bad.

this time it's going to be much more fun though isn't it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYKsjdkdRbw

we say no to sleep!

we say no to foods!

I actually eat more when hypo/manic.

I LOVE the euphoria of the beginning stages of mania. But then within a week I'm fighting off the impulse to hurt people. I still struggle with wanting to be manic sometimes. I miss the extreme happiness, the colorful and vibrant quality of life. But the agitation sucks. I know better now, but I'm always secretly hoping for it.

I barely eat when I'm manic. I lose weight when I'm manic. Which is nice.

I don't get agitated though. I stay in the euphoric happy state, but it gets dangerous because I think I'm invincible or something.