I am the most depressed in 3 decades

I just wrote a couple paragraphs and then deleted them. I bet I got your attention now.

You going to hate me? I just said something inappropriate so now you can justify being judgmental and telling the moderator you don't feel safe and that the moderator isn't doing their job if I don't get banned for life and have my fingers cut off so I can no longer go on the internet. See, I do my best to make everyone feel good about themselves.

I think I'll do a web search for videos of kittens. That always makes me happy.

I am the most depressed I have been in 3 decades. Second time in my life I have serious thoughts of suicide. Mostly thinking about not leaving a note. the bastards are going to judge me then just like they do now. I don't give a poo-poo about what they think and I sure as hell don't owe them an explanation. Letting loose with sick and inappropriate jokes helps.

This is no joke. Things are a couple of weeks away. It is going to get better by then. Best thing i can do is get the trash who are dragging me down out of my life and walk on. I started today putting things in place leave to them behind and build a new life.

Just read this again. It doesn't relate to the topic, since I deleted my first comments. Great Joke eh?

skilsaw wrote:I just wrote a couple paragraphs and then deleted them. I bet I got your attention now.

You going to hate me? I just said something inappropriate so now you can justify being judgmental and telling the moderator you don't feel safe and that the moderator isn't doing their job if I don't get banned for life and have my fingers cut off so I can no longer go on the internet. See, I do my best to make everyone feel good about themselves.

I think I'll do a web search for videos of kittens. That always makes me happy.

I am the most depressed I have been in 3 decades. Second time in my life I have serious thoughts of suicide. Mostly thinking about not leaving a note. the bastards are going to judge me then just like they do now. I don't give a poo-poo about what they think and I sure as hell don't owe them an explanation. Letting loose with sick and inappropriate jokes helps.

This is no joke. Things are a couple of weeks away. It is going to get better by then. Best thing i can do is get the trash who are dragging me down out of my life and walk on. I started today putting things in place leave to them behind and build a new life.

Just read this again. It doesn't relate to the topic, since I deleted my first comments. Great Joke eh?

Sending hugs Skilsaw. I sent you a personal PM answering this post in terms of how you feel. I'm so sorry you are feeling such a terrible depression. I hope you read the PM.

skilsaw wrote:I just wrote a couple paragraphs and then deleted them. I bet I got your attention now.

You going to hate me? I just said something inappropriate so now you can justify being judgmental and telling the moderator you don't feel safe and that the moderator isn't doing their job if I don't get banned for life and have my fingers cut off so I can no longer go on the internet. See, I do my best to make everyone feel good about themselves.

I think I'll do a web search for videos of kittens. That always makes me happy.

I am the most depressed I have been in 3 decades. Second time in my life I have serious thoughts of suicide. Mostly thinking about not leaving a note. the bastards are going to judge me then just like they do now. I don't give a poo-poo about what they think and I sure as hell don't owe them an explanation. Letting loose with sick and inappropriate jokes helps.

This is no joke. Things are a couple of weeks away. It is going to get better by then. Best thing i can do is get the trash who are dragging me down out of my life and walk on. I started today putting things in place leave to them behind and build a new life.

Just read this again. It doesn't relate to the topic, since I deleted my first comments. Great Joke eh?

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself grappling with severe depression at the moment, skilsaw- I know how utterly torturous, heart-wrenching, and gruelling it can be. Sending lots of hugs, if wanted, and hopes that you'll get the treatment necessary to pull you out of it soon. Please keep safe in the meantime. My thoughts are with you.

Hi Skilsaw,
I wanted to split your post because this way you have a chance to receive more replies. Hang in there. Sending hugs, if wanted.

I'm also sending hugs, Skillsaw. Hope you find your way out of this. My thoughts are with you as well

I am basking in the glow of the empathy and compassion each of you have expressed.
I don't feel quite so alone. Thank you.

Quietgirl and Ennui are old friends (long time friends? Old? maybe not) from before... I was on the forum a couple hours a day for a couple of years. I read every new post and every reply. You were my community. I felt connected to many people and anxiously waited for updates on their journey, as expressed in the forum.

Pretty quiet now. Maybe everyone else is healthy. We are the only coo-coos left. That would actually be good if it was true. Sad to be left behind, but glad for everyone who is no longer struggling and is now living a full and happy life.

Sounds like you are raging at some people. Don't let other people bring you down. This happens to me too but I try my best to forget about it or at least not let it bother me so much which is easier said than done. I find I do this the most when I'm not busy and I have a lot of time to daydream. Daydreaming is okay when it's positive but when you start thinking about the top 5 people you hate in your past/present it's not productive. Go walk around your town or do something to get your mind off of things. Cut ties with negative people if you can. Think about the people that you love and love you.

So sorry skilsaw
Sending you hugs and sorry if you have crappy people in your life. Like others have said just remove those people esp. When uou already hace depression to contend with.
Hoping you feel better soon x

The single biggest change I have to make is to accept some relationships are not what they are meant to be or not what we want.

Staying and trying to make things work is good for a few tries, but I'm learning I can't make things change or make things work, all by myself. Learning to walk away and being able to walk away is the next challenge in front of me.

I've burned a few bridges recently and it actually felt good. I was married for 18 years. After my wife said our marriage was over, I continued to wear my wedding ring until after our divorce was finalized. We separated 20 years ago. Last week I got my wedding ring out of my box of treasures and shined it up. I put it in a little plastic bag and then I took it downtown and gave it to a charity. It felt liberating.

A few more symbolic gestures like that and I will be free indeed.

They say one of the signs of mental illness is repeating the same process again and again and expecting a different outcome. I guess that makes me mentally ill. But I'm getting off the carousel and will stop going around again and again. No more repeating, looking for a different outcome.

One Month Update.

Things are much better. I cut back on activities and just chilled.
Did some neat things around my apartment. They cost money, but it is only money.
I'm not in debt. Just fewer savings. It is nice to have a sink that doesn't leak under the counter and a new "Low Flow" toilet. The old toilet used 13 liters of water per flush. The new toilet uses 4 liters per flush. I know readers in Europe will be dumbfounded by the previous waste of water. All new homes need low flow toilets. Old homes don't need to be retrofitted.


and I'm looking forward to a first date with a new lady tomorrow evening. She's amazing. I hope a significant friendship if not a relationship develops.