Life going nowhere?

Hi everyone,

Firstly, I'm so sorry I haven't been around recently, but I've been attempting to develop my life offline- I now go to two groups in my city related to some of my interests, and also have been attending an anxiety support group run by my local hospital (I have a diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder as well as the Bipolar one). I've also been continuing my part-time work and spending more time with family. However, despite all this, as in the title, I still feel as if I'm getting nowhere, and just treading water rather than progressing.

My current situation is this: aged 32, female, single and childless, living at home with my mum and only working a small number of hours per week. Even though I have a driving licence, I haven't driven for years because on antipsychotics I feel too sedated and slow to be safe behind the wheel. I feel a sinking feeling just typing out all that and feel like such a 'loser'. It's really distressing.

I haven't always been like this, though- at one point I was a high achiever, academically-speaking, have worked full-time and have lived, worked and studied in two foreign countries- all while having bipolar, as I was diagnosed aged 16. I've just lost so much confidence and functioning over the years, after multiple episodes, a hospitalisation, and losing my dad in '14, and don't know how to get it back.

I see successful peers moving on with their careers, marriages and children etc. (mainly on social media and not people I know personally, I admit, but also my sisters IRL) and feel a combination of panicked and dejected as I'm not moving on with any part of my life right now, yet they are.

I'm attempting to reduce my Zyprexa so that hopefully I can come alive a bit- it makes me dulled, cognitively speaking, and sedated- but I'm scared I'm going to go into psychosis as I did in 2016 when reducing my Seroquel. However, I feel if I don't try, I'm going to live out my life in a drugged haze, oversleeping and being unproductive. Those close to me have said I don't seem 'like me' on this meds regime, and I have to agree.

I know only I can make the necessary changes in my life, but sometimes I don't know where to start. I was wondering if anyone can relate and, if so, what have you done to try and get your life back?

Thanks in advance... I've missed you all! x

I totally relate. I don't have any solutions I'm sorry. I've held onto my career by a thread (I am self employed part time). I'm 43 and also single and childless. I feel like I just about struggle through each day vaguely intact and thus cannot steer my life in any direction either. That's if I knew what direction other than being well again.

I really hope you can get some resulution. It sounds like you have a supportive family and medical team. Maybe a less sedating antipsychotic? ?

Hugs x x

I relate to both of you 100%. I am a 35 year old female, not married, no children, I don't drive, I live with family, and I'm not yet stable enough to hold even a part time job. I see all of these people in my life (both in "real life" and online) getting married and having children and it just makes me think, "wtf am I doing with my life?". I feel like I am moving backwards instead of forwards.

Congrats to you, Ennui, for going to groups and spending more time with family. It's very helpful to have a strong support group.

I also know what you mean about the meds taking away your personality. I was like this on Latuda. I was a zombie. No emotions or interests and sleeping half of the day away. My family and bf told me that they missed me, because I wasn't me. Now that I am off of it, my personality and creativity is starting to come back (and losing the weight is a huge plus). It's a slow progress though. And without an anti-psychotic, I am more prone to episodes (as I am having now). And I'm sure mania will creep up at some point.

But you are not a loser! Having mental illness just makes it harder for us to do even simple things (at least in my case). I have noticed that symptoms of BP do get worse over time, but I think that is only when untreated? I am not exactly sure. But I can honestly say that I am getting worse. There have been times of stability, but they don't last that long.

Like you, at some points in my life, I have held full-time jobs, even doing over-time. But my last job (working up to 10 hours a week) was too much for me.

I'm sorry I don't have much advice, but the only thing you (and everyone else here) can do, is just hold on to hope, and take care of ourselves. I know it is difficult at times. But just a tiny glimmer of hope is a lot. Although it may seem it will always be this way, it won't. You'll get back on your feet. I have faith in you.

I just want you to know that you are not alone.

My motto is: it could be worse. You could be miserable in some dead end job just to pay the bills stressing yourself out. Sort of a "first world problems" mantra. IMO a career is overrated. It is the first thing people often ask you "What do you do?" People judge you by your career but it's not really fair or a real measure of a person. Second, social media is a cancer IMO and pits people against eachother and doesn't show them realistically eating TV dinners and watching Netflix like most everyone is really doing. Finally, I find marriage and kids to be vastly overrated. Over half of marriages end in divorce and kids are a huge financial, time, and energy commitment. Women obviously have more of an instinctual urge to reproduce.
I find hobbies and friendships to be underrated. Exercise, cooking, music, socializing etc. My mental health is my #1 priority followed by family, friends, and fun. Don't worry, be happy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

Hi Ennui,
I'm not in the same place as you are with your meds. I sympathize with you because in the past it took time to get me where I am at and it was hard on my mental well-being to wait for these medicine changes to happen. It takes some drugs longer to start working than others. Those changes were always hard for me. I've done that a few times and each time, I got to a point I became desperate for some sort of stability.

I have 3 kids and they are a tween and two teens. They push my buttons and sometimes they are hard to deal with because in my mind, I am dealing with my mental instability and I also have to appear and be firm and discipline them. My life goes on and those are times when I sort of "fall apart" when I have too much going on at home. Being a mom with bipolar and being unstable makes it even harder to deal with, imo. It's hard enough just being a mom who doesn't have bipolar. I have a book my therapist recommended and it's about accepting myself. I haven't read it yet because I'm still reading another one, but that is next on my list. I'm not trying to tell you to accept yourself at all, I'm merely sharing about a book that was recommended to me.

I desperately want to work because I want to earn some money, but my kids need me and I so I don't work nor go to college because doing all these things at one time is too much for me to handle. So I take it slow. I feel like I've given up my life to take care of my children and be there for them as much as I can be and that that is a gift that not everyone can choose for different reasons. I chose that path, but it doesn't stop me from feeling I could have my degree by now and be making more money. As it is, I get paid just under $8 if I went to get a job in retail. But it's still a paycheck. I just wanted to share a little bit about my life. Sorry if I went off on a tangent.

Thanks so much to you all for the replies. It really means a lot to me that you've taken the time out for respond. Hugs to you all, if wanted.

@TranscendReality, I'm sorry you're struggling, too, and can relate so much to that feeling. Thankfully you've managed to hold on to your career, and I sincerely hope the other parts of your life will fall into place in time, as well. You mentioned that the only direction you're going in right now is to be well again, and I hope you've got the necessary support from your team (pdoc, tdoc etc.) to be able to do that.

My family are indeed supportive, which is a huge gift- they'd like to see me off my antipsychotic and living life properly again, as do I, I'm just afraid I'm going to go into a mixed episode and psychosis, as I did in 2016 when reducing my Seroquel. However, in the past, prior to 2012, I didn't use to be on antipsychotics long-term, only for individual episodes, and my longest stretch on only my mood stabiliser and stable to date was about 6 years. I was also off all antipsychotics and well in 2014, for 6 and a half months, until my dad died, and the trauma from that made me have to go back on Seroquel.

At the moment my medical team consists of constantly changing pdocs, but they always ring me back the same day if I call the clinic. One of the pdocs I saw suggested that I could change my AP to Abilify, but after reading up about it, the fact that it can cause anxiety, insomnia and restlessness put me off, as I already get those from my anxiety disorder. For now, I think I'll continue to slowly reduce my Zyprexa and see how it goes.


@Jellybeanery, I'm really sorry you can relate so much to our stories. I know only too well that feeling of dismay and panic that arises whenever I compare myself to others who are progressing well and 'normally' through life, as I just look at my situation and despair. You're definitely not alone, but hopefully it's never too late for us to claw it back.

Thanks! Going to the groups and spending time with family has helped a bit with confidence and socialisation, but I still feel I'm pushing people away from getting to know the 'real me' as I'm embarrassed by my circumstances. This especially pertains to potential partners.

I'm so sorry you experienced similar issues when on Latuda. I've found my own antipsychotic, Zyprexa, to be a life saver when episodic, but long-term on it I feel flat, exhausted and dumbed down. I'm not idealising potentially coming off it, as I know that would leave me more at risk in terms of instability, but I just can't imagine being productive and moving on in life like this. I'm glad you're off Latuda now and your old personality has started to come back, though I'm sorry you've gone into an episode, and hope you get the meds tweaks necessary to come out of it safely.

Yes, mental illness can make it tough even to do simple, everyday tasks, especially when in an episode or left exhausted by heavy meds. I was concerned about my BP getting worse over time, but when I asked my last longstanding pdoc about it, he said mine wasn't. I've been in treatment since diagnosis, around 16 years ago, though.

I'm glad to hear that at some points you've been high functioning, too. Somehow the contrast between that and my current fairly low level makes it worse, though, in terms of seeing how far I've fallen, but that's probably my negative thinking taking over. I should be thinking I've worked and studied full-time in the past, all while having BP, and there's no reason why I can't again. Hopefully the same is true for you, Jellybeanery.

Thanks so much for your kind words- it's important to hold on to that small glimmer of hope, which is something I don't do enough.

@z7z, Yes, you're so right that things could be worse, it's just that from the early promise I showed when at school (I was a straight A student, except for the close to a year I had to take off for mania/psychosis), my current situation is extremely disappointing, to say the least.

You're probably right that many of the things people value in life are overrated, but I do genuinely want some of those things i.e. career, marriage, a family of my own etc. and feel time closing in on me, as if I don't get on with it soon, it may never happen. I'm aware of how negative this all sounds though, and you seem to have a very well-adjusted attitude to it all. Thanks for the video link!

@quietgirl, Thanks for your supportive words. As I've mentioned before, I have a love/hate relationship with the Zyprexa I'm on- I love it in a crisis situation but hate the day-to-day side effects, which have me feeling exhausted, slowed, and dulled, cognitively (not to mention the huge weight gain). Despite that, I'm actually stable right now, and have been for about a year and a half, but it's come at a price. I hope, after having struggled with meds changes, that you're in a better place than me with them, and most importantly, stable.

Thanks for sharing about your life as a mom with bipolar. You must be incredibly strong to be able to be there fully for your kids while grappling with the instability that the illness can bring. It sounds as if you're doing a great job, as hard as it must be, and you should be very proud of that.

I understand your frustrations about wanting to work and finish college but having to reconcile that with the fact that your kids need you- it's not an easy choice to make.

I was fortunate enough to be able to finish university (not without support from disability services, though) and started working full-time, but after my hospitalisation for mania/psychosis while living abroad in 2011, things started to unravel for me. I was then assigned three inadequate pdocs in a row back home in the U.K, who totally failed to treat my BP depression. Still depressed, I then attempted to 'force' myself into feeling better by taking another job overseas in 2012, which I struggled with the whole time and only lasted six months. I could go on, but the point is that a string of professional failures, prompted by my BP, as well as the episodes themselves, and major bereavement (losing my dad in 2014) has left me at the low ebb I find myself at today. I need to find a way to rebuild my life after all that upset.

Now it's my turn to go off on a tangent, haha!

Sorry this is such a long ramble... I've been away from the forum for a while and everything has just sort of come pouring out. I hope you can forgive the length of these replies!

I also can relate, unfortunately. I've realized that since losing my job in October I have done basically nothing. I also realized I was overmedicated. Recently I decreased my clozaril dose and now I have more motivation, and along with this came this shameful feeling that I don't have a job, I dropped out of college, and I'm not where I feel I should be.
I'm still pretty young, 21, but every one I know from high school is graduating from college with their bachelors in a few short months while I'm here just existing. It's so frustrating. I don't even know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do.
I'm sorry everyone here is kinda going through the same thing, and hopefully one day we'll be content with where we are at.

Ennui wrote:I was fortunate enough to be able to finish university (not without support from disability services, though) and started working full-time, but after my hospitalisation for mania/psychosis while living abroad in 2011, things started to unravel for me.

I know all too well about this. It's gotten so hard for me to work with all of my episodes and hospitalizations that I am waiting to hear if I get approved for disability. If I do, I will ease my way back into part-time work, to see if I can handle it. If I can't, at least I will have the disability. And I'm going to have to really try to better myself so I can work full-time and start a life.

Sorry for talking about myself here, but I want you to know that I have the same problems with work as you did.

It will take time, but I believe all of us will get better.

Thanks so much for the replies, voracious_lemon and Jellybeanery. I thought I might have put people off with that wall of text, haha

@voracious_lemon, I'm so sorry you can relate and know the pain of not feeling like you're where you'd like to be in life. I hope that, in time, you'll find something you're interested in and able to do, and that will give you direction.

I also know what it's like to feel demotivated on antipsychotics, as you were, and I'm glad you've managed to safely reduce your Clozaril dosage. In my case, I've been on Zyprexa since my major mixed episode/psychosis in '16, which you all witnessed on here. It's been a lifesaver in crisis situations, but long term, it leaves me feeling slow, dull witted, and exhausted (as well as packing on the pounds!) For that reason, with my pdoc's approval, I'm attempting to slowly reduce it and see how I get on.

@Jellybeanery, I'm really sorry you've had similar problems with work, and hope you get approved for disability so that it can act as a safety net for you. I feel ashamed to say I've been relying on family since I had to give up full-time work in '12, and I've only been working a small number of part-time hours in all that time (nowhere near enough to support myself).

I hate being so dependent and would love to be able to work full-time again, but it seems either mood episodes themselves or sedation from antipsychotics have got in the way of that hope for the last six years or so. As I mentioned, I'm now trying to reduce my antipsychotic, so that I can hopefully come alive a bit more, but at the same time I'm so scared I'll relapse, so it's not easy.

I sincerely hope that things will improve for all of us struggling with these issues. Hugs to everyone who'd like them!

I relate. I feel like my life has gone nowhere, I used to drive but because of meds and illness my doctor says I cannot. I'm 34 and will never have children. I don't work. I do live my fiance who has a similar diagnosis to me. We took a year off a couple years ago and I lived alone and did horrible which makes me worry how I'd ever survive alone. I really never pictured a life like this.