Questions about Lamictal? *Trigger Warning*

I recently just returned home from a week stay inpatient because I dissociated so badly, I thought I was either going to hurt myself or my mother/pet. I’m terrified to be alone but also afraid to be with others... I’ve been on 25mg of lamictal for four months... was increased to 50, then 100 and I felt agitated so the doctor decreased me back to 25 where I was okay for awhile... but life happened and then the hospital stay. She increased it again... I just started 100mg yesterday and she wants me to increase to 200 in two weeks... I still feel horrible. Not as bad because I learned some coping skills but still hopeless, suicidal and the intrusive thoughts of “wanting” to hurt my pet are all too real. Part of me wants to bring her to my moms to keep her safe but I’d be lost without her too, I just want these thoughts to stop. I’m constantly reading reassuring articles about how I’m “not my thoughts” but my mind says otherwise, and I sometimes feel like I’d be better off dead just so everyone else is safe. I’m scared. I haven’t been this depressed literally EVER. I’m off work, afraid to see people, my mind terrifies me and I just want peace. I’m nervous about continuing lamictal because I’m afraid it’s making me worse in a sense but I’m equally afraid to start something new. The doctor at inaptient put me on .75mg of risperdol as well and that isn’t making me feel all that splendid either I assume. I have horrific images pop up in my mind and they aggravate and frustrate me to no end. I’m just lost. Three months ago, I was fine. Well stabilized for the most part. Stress does this to me too and I recently started a new shift and had far too much alone time in my head. I used to be able to be alone but this past year, ever since stopping Wellbutrin (due to insurance issues), I haven’t been stable for long. I attempted Wellbutrin again when I received insurance, before I started lamictal, but it made my anxiety horrible and the doctor took me off, instead of waiting it out. She increased me from 100ng to 300 in a week so I don’t know if that’s what did it... but either way, I’m confused and just don’t know where to turn or what to do med-wise.

I can not give advice about which meds you "should" take, but I will explain what I have been through.

I have been on Lamictal for about 3 years, and I am up to 400 mg. It seems to be a great med for me. But everyone is different, so maybe you do need to try something else.

I was never on Risperdal, but I was on Invega, which is the same class of medication, and honestly, it ###$ me up. I had every side-effect of it. My sister was on Risperdal, and she had every single side-effect that I had from the Invega. Then again, everyone is different, so what happened to us may not happen to others and could be beneficial.

I was also on Wellbutrin and that ###$ me up too. Not just me, but also my mom, and some people I knew from my old job. And to be redundant; it is different for everyone.

I can understand about not wanting to try other meds, but sadly, that is the nature of the game. It's a trial and error process. But you sound very unstable, and a danger to yourself and others, and I strongly suggest seeking help. Hospitalization may be required here, and definitely talk to your pdoc about this and ask for something else.

To me it sounds like lamictal just isn't the medication for you. Honestly, I also think the hospital shouldn't have discharged you (it was probably because your insurance only gave you so long, which is what happened to me and everyone Ive meet in IP. It's sad that it's some distant company that decides when you go home instead of the doctors and counselors treating you, but anyways...). You sound like you're really suffering and are concerned about the safety of you and people around you. If you start to feel really unsafe, definitely do not be afraid to go back to the ER.
I'm not telling you what to do, but Ill tell you what I would do in your position given what you've written. I would want to try the Wellbutrin again but increase much slower and give it more time. Ive never tried it, but I hear a lot of people experience anxiety, agitation, etc at the beginning but overtime that stops and the medication works wonderfully. Did that happen the first time you tried it? The answer to that might change my theoretical decision.
I assume by posting in here that you have a bipolar diagnosis (correct me if I'm wrong). How prone to mania are you? It sounds like right now you're struggling with depression and if you dont want to try the Wellbutrin again maybe trying another antidepressant might help. If you are really prone to mania you would probably want to be on an anti-manic med if you're going on an antidepressant, since they're known for causing mania.
Whatever you do, best of wishes. I hope everything settles down soon and whatever you choose works well.