In hypo with no pdoc

At first it was a good time. Then I thought I had become enlightened. Then there were the plans. Now I'm irritable and sleepless and desperate to come down. I'm diagnosed with many things but only self diagnosed Bipolar II because I didn't want ANOTHER diagnosis and MORE meds and my pdoc left practice four years ago for a teaching position so I have no one to tell anyhow. My gp just spits out the rx my pdoc left her but I don't trust her and she refuses to refer me to a new psychiatrist because she assertains that pdocs don't follow people. You get to see them once and then they tell your gp what to do according to her and I've already had that. So I self medicate with my eating disorder. Good health care, eh? I know this: if I manage to sleep I won't be able to get up in the morning. The depression will come and I'll want to die. If I don't sleep, the meds I DO take will leave me feeling exhausted but I'll still be disregulated. Lovely choices.

Depression arrived today. I want to quit. I told my therapist I wanted to die. She was great in the caring department but I don't have any further direction. I have so many responsibilities I can't curl up in bed for a week. I hate myself too much to do that anyhow. Right now rest would be compassion and I have none for myself.