Hello all,
Please do me a favor and finish this. I really want to be heard.
My name is Jacob. I'm a 22 year old currently attending a University, majoring in Computer Science and Engineering. I need help, I don't know what's wrong with me.My emotions are always in flux, I feel intensely happy, then intensely mad. Now I feel depressed. At certain points I am quick to judge everyone and be hateful. Others I feel much more sociable and kind. There are points where I feel indifferent to everyone, even my family. Sometimes I can be the kindest person, then switch to indifference for weeks, months even, then switch to sharp hostility all for undetermined amounts time. People typically give me a wide berth because they don't know how to feel or act around me because my aura and words change so drastically from day to day even hourly too. It's like I have the ability to completely change myself as a person in a moments notice, I feel it too, it's like some flick in my head. Completely changes how I feel - I'll try to shake it, but everything changes in an instant - my vibe, my speech, my confidence, emotions... absolutely everything and I can't go back. I struggle to retain myself as I was so people aren't weirded out by my sudden change.
I'm not some child though, I do not go about having fits or putting on a show, it's just I'm very blunt at times, sometimes blunt with barbs. Sometimes I feel like being more affable, so people honestly don't know what to think of me. I think those who interact with me most would describe me as honest, hardworking, and intelligent though. Definitely not petty. I'm in extremely good shape, I have 5% body fat, muscular, and have a healthy diet. I switch from being confident to insecure, happy to sad, angry to peaceful so often. I can't take it. This isn't normal, I'm just not stable. Stability is elusive and it hinders my ability to focus. It's a constant battle with myself. I have to control myself and hide everything so people don't think I'm crazy. I think some people do. I dunno, maybe.
When I am roused to anger it is something scary, I am not myself, I say and do very hurtful things. Same can be said about the other states to varying degrees. I actually don't even know who I am. I don't know if I'm a good person, I doubt I am. Sometimes it feels like I manipulate others into wanting to talk to me more. I'm good at figuring people out after talking to them for a while, I say the right things to connect and speak to them. I feel terrible about it, other times I just make excuses saying I'm just being nice and I convince myself. I dunno. I'm reaching out now. Please, I don't think people should exist like this. I struggle to control myself and my flux of changing emotions every day. It feels like I've lost myself among this chaos. I'm exhausted trying to control everything and be 'normal'. There's too much stress from school, work, and all these emotions. I'm close to giving up. It has been like this for years and years and I am truly and utterly tired .
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I have struggled for so long, it's nice to reach out. If I'm some sort of functioning psychopath I would love to know. Thank you again and Godbless.