Given up hope on recovery, peace I'll always live a bad life

Hi guys,

31 male, diagnosed with bipolar 2, currently take cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Trazedone, Lamotrignine, Synthroid.

I've been going to therapy since I was 20, I've been on medication since I was 20. I had ECT done at 27. I was hospitalized at 27 for three weeks for suicidal prevention. I was bullied relentlessly until 17 years old, physically and verbally.

I've been in five relationships, each ending after about a year, followed by one year of extreme depression and sadness and extreme pain.

I have a bachelor's that took me 12 years to finish and I've quit every job I've had after 9 months. I've worked six jobs total.

I've had my dream job, fun nights out with friends, romantic moments that I've dreamed about. A nice car I've always wanted.

It always just comes back to the same place every time. I'm happy and feeling good, sometimes like a social butterfly and nothing can get in my way. High hopes, extra energy, focus and far reaching goals. No matter what happens it always come crashing down into a deep sad place where I sit against a wall crying, talking to furniture, saying things like "hi" or "okay" or "yeah" or "I know" each time with a deep sadness and waving my hand.

Therapy, medications, jobs, relationships, money, friends ECT you name it. There's no external solution, I've given up on therapy and medication on keeping me stable and happy.

I accept I will always have this problem and I have a bad brain. I accept that I will look at the trees and hear the birds and slowly age and fade away into death looking up, thinking about how I've waited for my time.

I don't want to hurt myself, but I have suicidal thoughts, I couldn't do that to my family. I'm here for now.

Can anyone relate. Thank you

Depression is usually temporary. You'll still have good times in the future. Even the bad isn't that bad if you can just try to savor the little things in life. I think Bipolar people are highly sensitive and they turn to alcohol to desensitize themselves. Benzos like Klonopin help me chill out when the world is too much to handle and are better than turning to booze. They help me relax when I'm manic and not care so much when I'm depressed.

I can't relate but as weird as it seems , I think your mindset will be good for you since you broke your expectations , and when you don't put up expectations, things aren't as bad as they look , rather than feeding your expectations and ending up disappointed

Your note touched a sweet and dark spot. Sweet because it was clearly and plaintively written and, yes, I could relate to the whole even if not all the parts in detail.

My view is in long run the quality of all of our lives is dependent on the quality of the long term relationships we develop and maintain with family and friends. Isolation is a huge factor in depression and generally with mentally ill people, they are more isolated, so if you can reach out to others and create strong bonds, you will be less depressed in the long run.

It is not a cure but it is also more than just palliation. None of us know for sure our indefinite future til the end is near.

I can relate. I have those dark thoughts some days. What helps is that I know they will pass. They always do. Sitting alone on a side walk crying, for me, is temporary.

While my symptoms returned, and I've dealt with them for 6 years now, I did have a very long period of remission. 15 years! I have hope the same can happen again for me. And maybe for you too. You are strong, to deal with this, to try therapy and medication/ECT. Do not lose sight of your strength. Reaching out is always welcome here.

I can relate. This hit me hard reading it as it so closely fits my narrative. I constantly think about death but have ruled out suicide after many failed attempts, finally deciding that I could not do that to my family and friends.

Nothing seems to fulfill me, not my dream job, not my dream girl. Always waiting for the bad times to come back and they always do.

I feel just like you, broken and bad, waiting to die. I still have moments even days and weeks of happiness but this crushing sadness and disconnection from the world always comes back and seems to be stronger every time. I can't tell you how much time I've spent laying in bed with my dog just hoping something would change.

While I feel like I'm waiting to die, I don't want to die. I just don't want this feeling anymore. I want to feel like my friends do, just okay with being alive. I just feel so broken most days that I don't do anything I had planned the day before. I just long to be free from this.

I feel exactly the same.I am a medical student of 4th year...I belong to a poor family and have a hope to bring my whole family to the next level but sometimes I feel that I may become a burden on them in the future...I have no friends literally...but I still have continued on and am not going to run away...it's life...It's not so uncommon.. so hope for the best bro and Allah will help you