Drugs mania and severe abuse trigger warning.

I have bipolar 1 and bpd I'm also a ex drug addict injecting amphetamine and smoking crack together which was a very dangerous game to play. But back then I was manic and life was a game I don't know how it happened but I had a two year manic episode I believe as I was flat out injecting amphetamine and smoking crack two weeks on three days on a comedown that the drugs enabled me to stay manic.

I was completely out of control playing dangerous games my abusive junkie partner was abusing me severely so I was taking 3/4 of the drugs and giving him hardly anything, had he have found out I would be dead. But he kept torturing me refusing me sleep on a comedown and raping me during my comedowns as that was the only time he could physically abuse me because I was weak. As I was manic a sadistic urge rose in me and I was playing mind games I already mentioned how I was stealing the majority of the drugs and giving him a tiny amount this was part of a sadistic game you see I was giving him enough to keep him awake and to keep him addicted but not enough to get high. Slowly he got weaker and weaker slowly his mind was being destroyed he was going crazy desperate to get high and he couldn't understand why I was flying and he wasn't. I fed him lies and as he had been awake a month I started feeding his paranoias deliberetly tripping him out, I did this through a few ways I would make my face spasm and twitch and smile like nothing happened. I would whisper to the voices in my head as you can imagine the amount of drugs in my system I was very psychotic so I would whisper quietly so he could hear me mumbling while every now and then I'd whisper louder so he could hear I was talking to the voices about him.

He had locked me in a room for a month not allowing me clothes and denying me the use of the toilet every time I fell asleep he would batter me so I made my final move I took *mod edit* tablets while we were both on a comedown then I let him catch me injecting a air bubble even though I was in perfect control and had no intention of injecting the bubble but he had no choice but to call a ambulance so finally after being locked in a room beaten and raped for a month on a really bad comedown I had my chance to escape I was barely conscious by this point but I had enough fight left in me to refuse to go to hospital, so the ambulance staff sectioned me and called my next of kin my mum.

My ex was so crazy from drug abuse (he has no underlying mental illness) and my playing games so he was sectioned on a severe drug trip he was in a psychiatric hospital a month before his trip stopped. But back to me my mum had arrived she asked the police if I was ok to see her and in that moment of hearing her voice on a severe comedown my mania broke and I started crying like a baby for my mum.

I have never been prouder of my mum she ran into the room I had been living in a month with only a bucket as a toilet there were over 200 dirty needles on the floor and I had run out of needles so had ten dirty ones that were still sharp lined up ready to use at this point I hadn't stopped taking drugs for a month solid blood was pissing down my arms because of over use. My brace mum my hero didn't shed a single tear she had been desperate to see me for the last month and had been refused by my ex she looked at me and somehow I don't know how but she said when I asked it was in my posture my defeated face and my haunted dead eyes that I was no longer manic and had returned. She told me to move the needles and let her get to me so I flung them off the bed and all of a sudden my mum was holding me and she didnt shed a tear, I asked why afterwords she said in that moment all that mattered was taking care of me and that she cried after. All she said to me was these words "are you ready to come home now baby"all I had the strength to do was cry yes mum take me home But I passed out in her arms and woke up in hospital with my mum holding my hand it was a while before I was allowed home but my mum never left my side. I was too weak from beatings drug abuse and the mania to eat at first so when we was home my mum would feed me and she slept in a bed with me as the withdrawal was causing so much pain I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted. I been living with my mum a year now and my mental health is stable I have now taken my illness seriously and take my meds religiously.

Now after a year I am about to move into my own place and out of my mums home I am very frightened and stressed at the idea of being alone. But I thank god every day for my mum and beg his forgiveness for all the bad things I did but anyway here's my story I struggle greatly because of the abuse and rape my ex did to me I cannot stand to be touched at all. And I am cold and cut off I won't let anyone near me.

I have a hard time believing you were manic for 2 years, because you were abusing the ###$ out of amphetamine and crack during this entire time, both of which are massive stimulants. Considering you weren't manic anymore in the hospital, just seems to me because you weren't all jacked up on illegal drugs.

All that aside, I'm sorry you had to go through that and it's good you are out of that situation and getting proper treatment.

domestic-abuse/
sexual-abuse-incest/
substance-abuse/

I was sectioned many times and it was my pdoc who said I had damaged my brain through drugs and that's why I was manic as if you were not aware manic is caused by the dopamine melatonin and serotonin levels to be wrong making you feel high amphetamine also causes the dopamine melatonin and seratonin levels to change in the same way there fore my pdoc said they were stopping my mania from ending. I was sectioned many times and forced to go through withdrawal and without the drugs I was still manic in hospital then when my mania started to lesson I would be released where I would go back on drugs. But during the times when I was sectioned for weeks I was still manic and before you ask my bipolar was diagnosed 6 years before I started drugs.

I am very aware, I have Bipolar I and I am very educated about it. But in the DSM V, it says that mania can not be because of substance abuse, so that's why I brought that up. Substance abuse can trigger these things, as can medications (for instance, I got manic from Prozac). And you pretty much proved my point:

Crawling wrote:amphetamine also causes the dopamine melatonin and seratonin levels to change in the same way there fore my pdoc said they were stopping my mania from ending

I'm so, so sorry that you went through all of that. No one deserves to go through any of what you did, and I honestly believe you're a strong and confident person for being so open about it here.

Moving out is something that I have yet to do at the age of 24. My boyfriend lives with my parents and I, and we're happy here, but at one point, I wouldn't mind having a place to ourselves. I too am afraid of being in a new, unknown place with only him. I get paranoid about it, thinking that something will go wrong, or someone will break in, etc.

Does your mom work? If she does, I would maybe recommend seeing a therapist with her. You seemed fine talking about this all here. Would you be okay talking about it with a therapist, so long your mom is there? If you do, eventually, you may feel good enough to just see the therapist by yourself.

Tyler thank you so much for your kind words and support it's taken me a long time before I was ready to share my story I only hope that it may help someone. It is scary moving out I am frightened of so many things I'm frightened when I don't have my mums support I'll use again plus i have more manias than depressions so as soon as I miss one days worth of meds I start going manic. This leaves me very tempted sometimes if I'm feeling depressed I know I just have to stop my meds and I won't be in pain anymore. I hope your moving out goes smoothly and that you find peace from your illness.