Diagnosis and resistance *TW*

Hello. I've just joined this forum generally but have made a beeline for this subforum because, as cliched as it probably sounds, I've read from time to time about bipolar disorder and felt that it described me.

I am at least a sufferer of depression and anxiety, and have survived suicide attempts - *mod edit* - and despite being middle-aged have never had a full-time job. I have been a student at three points in my life, and managed a degree because I was only required to be on-campus for two hours a week, doing the rest of the work at home.

There are periods where I feel no reason to do anything, including eating and bathing. Or I might pick up a book but just think, No, I just cannot be bothered. I used to love reading and playing guitar, and mostly get nothing from these now. Other times I feel energetic and optimistic but in a way that seems delusional, is a false dawn. It's a blip. I might write pages and pages of notes for a novel, a short story or a play and then feel nothing and everything gets halted. Due to a family death I came into £10000 twice, money I quickly spent, but wished I had spent differently. I have had a binge-drinking problem for two years which started with a combination of the presence of a violent and antisocial neighbour and also the ATOS and Maximus assessments people are being forced to have in the UK by the benefits agency. The assessors blatantly lie and most of us are 'failed' and have to spend months challenging non-reasoning to retain our what you might call 'welfare' but what I call social security payments.

In the last year I have been visiting a different town, by the sea, which is also more civilised than where I live. At times I have been genuinely happy there all day every day. Alcohol has been involved, but I'm as happy without it. While there I even thought that if I could move there I might in time be able to manage some simple but rewarding, compassionate work in a hospital or something like that. I never feel like that at home.

I am due to begin a batch of counselling sessions soon, but the counsellors I've had in the past are often clueless, or don't seem to be able to leave their religion outside the office, or are abusive or bullying. Not firm as part of their technique but genuinely abusive - they've lived too fortunate a life to be that suited to counselling and therapy work. While I was having an assessment by a social worker last week to help the local mental health team decide how I'd be helped, I asked about how I could get to the point where I could be diagnosed one way or the other, but this was left hanging. To be honest even this social worker seemed not quite present. I've got used to this now. I've had a few good therapists in my life over the last 28 years, but usually I either walk away despondant or I sit through the course of ten sessions in the hope something of value will be discussed or discovered. Sometimes a good therapist can be hampered by the current norms of what is available and sanctioned as therapy, for example the last good counsellor I had still had to waste a third of our session going through the same daft questionairre every week, which we both agreed had a silly basis.

Often I've heard of musicians or writers who are described as bipolar disorder sufferers, who seem at worst, more able and lucid than me. I kind of think, Well if she is then I certainly am...

I and one friend have referred to ourselves as self-diagnosed bipolar sufferers, but that doesn't really feel good enough. I do have some suspicion of the labels at times, but in some ways it'd be helpful to have the label, for example in relation to the welfare assessments. But I would also feel less guilty and useless if there were a term that bracketed my condition. Ultimately I can't feel too guilty about not being in work because I feel broken and hopeless. I cannot imagine being happy, and I think that if I were to begin a job next Monday, by Tuesday I would be full of such dread that I'd overdose or get on a boat somewhere and let myself die in the street. I couldn't be reliable to myself right now.

I considered trying to crowdfund a move to the town where I was happy, but that town has very appealing pubs, and I'm making a third attempt to be teetotal - I have been robbed, or unable to walk, while drunk, in blackouts, in the last six months, so I can't take this lightly. I spent a year seriously thinking of moving to this place but now it doesn't feel a healthy or sensible move.

Do I _not_ sound bipolar? Is there a key aspect I'm missing? Are there people here who are also self-diagnosed?

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

I've found self diagnosing is not the best idea, only a Dr can navigate the different details and nuances of a diagnosis. And even then it's just a code sent to your insurance company. I've thought I've had everything under the sun and it passes and I get over it. I think treatment is what's important and it sounds like you're pursuing that which is great.

-- Thu Nov 09, 2017 11:43 am --

I've found self diagnosing is not the best idea, only a Dr can navigate the different details and nuances of a diagnosis. And even then it's just a code sent to your insurance company. I've thought I've had everything under the sun and it passes and I get over it. I think treatment is what's important and it sounds like you're pursuing that which is great.

Welcome id1471,

I feel like there are many aspects of your post that I could respond to, but I'll try to keep it slightly shorter for now.

I agree with Son, that your best bet is getting the help, and hopefully the RIGHT help. While I may have been slightly guilty of it myself (perhaps we all are), diagnosing yourself, or asking others to help diagnose you, can be tricky business. Sometime even dangerous.

I was actually writing a post that I might submit soon, which talked about ambiguity and difficulties of comorbidity. So many of the criteria are the same or similar. Our minds are very strange, illusive things. We are all unique with different experiences composing our psyche. This makes it extremely hard to study mental health with complete accuracy (if you can even use that word). Much of it is a matter of perception and interpretation. Sometimes they seem like they haven't got a clue what they're doing, but I think that's in part due to all of this confusion. People with their own unique minds and experiences are trying to understand other people with vastly different ones. And this display and perception can change daily.

Speaking from experience, I have had shared symptoms from a number of different illnesses. I have been either officially diagnosed by psychiatrists, or speculatively diagnosed by psychologists (they can't officially diagnose or write prescriptions), at least ten times, with varying combinations of several different mental illnesses. That's a pretty complex web! I'm constantly asking whether or not any or all of them are correct. None of these professionals have truly come to the same conclusions and I've seen something to the tune of 6-7 psychiatrists and 4-5 psychologists. My behavior doesn't help, because I could meet someone for the first time while extremely depressed and be diagnosed with depression, and then meet another person while manic and be diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenia. Then I start to open up more, and boom, there's something else they tack on.

But that's not to say that there is no hope! I have found a couple of these professionals who have been somewhat helpful. A few of those mental illnesses had more votes than others, and stood out more to me too. Ultimately, the main diagnosis I have now is Bipolar Disorder and PTSD. Even BPI vs BPII is somehow up for debate but is really doesn't matter all that much to me because the treatments are pretty much the same. Finally, with the right meds, and a decent psychiatrist, things started to get better. Part of me would love to be 100% sure, but the other part of me is just happy that I'm not completely losing my mind anymore.

You can get there too. Just be patient. And in the meantime utilize us for additional support.

Cheers,
Breeze

breezewriter wrote:Welcome id1471,

Speaking from experience, I have had shared symptoms from a number of different illnesses. I have been either officially diagnosed by psychiatrists, or speculatively diagnosed by psychologists (they can't officially diagnose or write prescriptions), at least ten times, with varying combinations of several different mental illnesses. That's a pretty complex web! I'm constantly asking whether or not any or all of them are correct. None of these professionals have truly come to the same conclusions and I've seen something to the tune of 6-7 psychiatrists and 4-5 psychologists. My behavior doesn't help, because I could meet someone for the first time while extremely depressed and be diagnosed with depression, and then meet another person while manic and be diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenia. Then I start to open up more, and boom, there's something else they tack on.

This. yeah. I've heard schizoaffective, bipolar, borderline, PTSD, depression with psychosis, schizotypal. Part of it was that I was an adolescent and Dr's won't really commit do a Dx at that age. But I've seen my current Dr for 6 years and what she says I have, I trust. I trust her. But it's been a long journey. And the treatment of symptoms, no matter what we call them, is the real and good work to do.

I had manic episodes alternating with depressive episodes while just fresh out of high school. Then I was well for a short time. Later I experienced only depression, on different levels. I have my third child and I get postpartum psychosis and 7 years later (it took this long) I get manic and I have a BP I diagnosis. In the meantime, my only very important suggestion is to be very honest with yourself and your doctor about what you are going through and what you have gone through in your past. Even to the point of keeping a diary and go from there. If I had done that, maybe I'd have had some relief sooner from my pain from the deep level of depression I was going through. Mood stabilizers and antipsychotics help me. Antidepressants alone did nothing for me.