Old Friendship

Good morning. I am new to this blog, so i apologize if this sort of thing has been posted.

When i was in High School, I had a dear friend who we were really close. I was too shy to ask her out, and one day after a few adult beverages we had a fight and our friendship sort of faded away.

We were out of contact for a while. Every so often she would reach out - and we would chat. For the most part, i never thought we could be friends again - and nothing came of it.

Earlier this year, we connected - and it has taken off. It started gradually, but now we talk almost every day - (mostly via text), and usually several times a day. To be fair - she initiates 90 percent of the conversations - but i am not going to pretend that i am not actively involved in them. She is in a long term relationship with someone - and she is head over heals with this guy - so i don't think she is interested in me from that perspective. We were really close as teens, and shared a lot with each other. It's funny that its almost as if it picked up from where we left off.

We have talked about the past - and worked through that fight. In all honesty - she has alternated in conversations from telling me i should have asked her out/made a move to telling me she didn't know how she actually felt about me - friend or potential romantic partner.

Recently, she found a box of memories, in which she had all of the letters she received growing up. There were letters from me, as well as from many other people. (When i was a freshman in college - we wrote to each other alternating weeks. I no longer have the letters she sent). She did share some of the letters i sent her to me - and it was interesting to see what i was like 30 years ago.

Out of no where, she finds an unopened letter - addressed to me - with my college address on it. the envelope is sealed. She mentions that she has been in this box a few times before - and never saw this. She opens it up - and i have her send it to me. The letter was fun - a little flirtatious, and clearly the teenage girl who wrote the letter viewed me as an important person in her life. Looking at the letter as a 50 year old - i also noticed the letter was very manic, and flight of thought. At the end, there is almost a word cloud with lots of words that do not seem to have any relationship to each other, or the conversation at all. (This was written in Spring 1986 - so doubt either of us had heard of a word cloud).
She also tells me post reading the letter that she feels closer to me now, and she can see how she was with me.

My guess is, she is probably bi-polar - and it gives me a better understanding of things. (The sudden frequency of conversations, some of the responses, etc.). To be clear, she lives 300 miles (500 km) away - and its unlikely we will meet in person. I want to be a supportive friend - but don't want to cause any problems. Any thoughts you have would be much appreciated.

My apologies for the long post, but this just happened, and i am trying to think it through.

1. She's possibly crazy
2. She has a serious boyfriend
3. She's still writing you even though she has a boyfriend
4. She lives far away
5. Don't get your hopes up

Thanks for the response. Obviously even with as much as I posted, its impossible to include all details.

1. Not a big fan of the term crazy - but I honestly don't think it applies here.
2. Where we grew up in the same town, neither of us currently live there - and there is nothing that would bring me to where she lives (work, family or otherwise) and the same for her to my area. So I really don't see anything materializing on a romantic front.

We were close as teens, and I think we have become good friends again. My concern is, knowing her condition - how can I be supportive, what should I look out for, etc. etc.. I am not a therapist, but I am thinking the compliments tend to come during more manic stages - as do the frequency of contacts. Many days there are a number of texts - with some text exchanges lasting significant periods of time. (Yes I am a willing participant).

Am I not helping by responding to all of the texts? Am I encouraging unhealthy behavior for her?

Justfiguringout wrote:Thanks for the response. Obviously even with as much as I posted, its impossible to include all details.

1. Not a big fan of the term crazy - but I honestly don't think it applies here.
2. Where we grew up in the same town, neither of us currently live there - and there is nothing that would bring me to where she lives (work, family or otherwise) and the same for her to my area. So I really don't see anything materializing on a romantic front.

We were close as teens, and I think we have become good friends again. My concern is, knowing her condition - how can I be supportive, what should I look out for, etc. etc.. I am not a therapist, but I am thinking the compliments tend to come during more manic stages - as do the frequency of contacts. Many days there are a number of texts - with some text exchanges lasting significant periods of time. (Yes I am a willing participant).

Am I not helping by responding to all of the texts? Am I encouraging unhealthy behavior for her?

I was joking about "crazy." Everyone is kind of crazy in their own way. Nothing wrong with talking to her if you want to but I wouldn't feel obligated to. Nothing wrong with talking to a friend if you both enjoy it. I'm not sure how her serious boyfriend would feel about it but that's just how my opinion. I tend to feel guilty when talking to a female that has a serious boyfriend. The saying from When Harry Met Sally is true for some people that men and women can't be friends because there is always a romantic possibility. However, women do make good friends if you and her are not in a relationship or married IMO (unless you're trying to steal her away). I wouldn't worry about her mental state too much if she's on good medications. Bipolar people are fairly normal when stable.

To be honest with you - i never thought about her diagnosis before recently. For me, our conversations were a surprising reconnection after all this time.

It hadn't occurred to me that

1. The frequency of contacts - almost every day (except when she is visiting with her Boyfriend who lives in another state). Many times several times a day, and have occupied entire evenings.

2. Randomness of some contacts - i have been sent random pictures of her dog - for no reason at all

3. She has struggled with feeling connected to her dreams. I have had telephone calls with her, in which she wasn't sure if a dream she had was real or not - or she was overly emotional when she woke up as a result of a dream.

But for me, reading the letter that she wrote (but didn't send) 30 years ago - all of a sudden was an aha moment - when i saw the manic nature of the entire letter, and the flight of thought - things crystalized a bit. I enjoy our conversations - its nice connecting with someone that i have a connection to - especially one that i thought had ended. But rather than these connections (exclusively) be two people who were close - i also see that there are other aspects influencing it.

Where i am at is - i don't want to over react or under react to things. If i am somehow encouraging bad behavior for her - whether it is by being too available to her texts, or what ever - i want to be mindful. If i have no impact on this - that's ok. I just want to be a good friend, and not an enabler.

I don't see how you would be enabling anything here. Could you clarify?

From what I have read, the gist of it is you two were good friends, lost touch, and are reconnecting. I honestly don't see the problem here. If you want to talk to her, talk to her. If you feel she is text messaging you too much, tell her to lay off.

Since the likelihood of you two seeing each other in person is close to zero, there obviously isn't going to be any romantic things going on here. Unless you start sending each other nudes or something. In which case, she would be cheating.

There is nothing wrong with a man and woman being friends. My best friend of 18 years was a man. We talked often, did everything together. Never anything romantic going on there. If her boyfriend gets pissed off that she is talking to you, he's an asshole, plain and simple.

To be clear, i admit i am not well versed on BiPolar Disorder.

My thought about enabling would be that we spend hours texting in the evenings, and many times intermittent texts throughout the day. (No nudes, no conversations about getting together "biblically" - yes, probably some innocent flirting is the extent)

Is the sheer number of contacts due to mania? Is it hurtful to her to be reaching out to me with such frequency?

I admit i am overthinking this

I admit to text messaging with people more when I am manic. But it doesn't have to be just for that particular reason. If my friend was still alive, I would be chatting him up all the time even though I have a boyfriend now, and even if I wasn't manic.

So since we don't know, and you don't know if she has bipolar or not, there could be a chance she is just a chatty person. Or maybe she's excited to have you back in her life. I don't think you're an enabler. You aren't doing anything wrong. You enjoy talking to each other, so that's a good thing. I would just go with the flow.

Obviously you don't want to ask her if she has bipolar, but since you are talking again, you might be able to pick up on some things after a while. Say she's manic now, and that's why she messages so much. If her messages become less frequent or not as lively as they were, there could be a chance she is depressed. But even without a mental illness, people can act that way as well, I would assume, if they just lost interest.

But like I said before; you two were close friends before and now you're reconnecting. You're not doing anything wrong, so just enjoy it.

Coincidentally, we went from talking for hours every day last week - to basically not talking this week.

Where this is really unusual. I'm just going to give her space for a couple of days - assuming she is just busy with things. She has reached out to me when she needed to vent about other problems, and there's nothing she could be angry at me about