New, introduction, advice needed

53 yr, male, whole life felt depressed, racing thoughts, usually equally optimistic and a complete failure. In high school I thought I was manic depressive. Years of self loathing, many jobs--now quite successful as a special needs aid. It all comes to a head last spring--horrible marriage, grieving loss of Dad, limerent episode (think crazy crush on steroids) mid life crisis I guess and I thought I lost my mind. I was high as a kite, super fast cycling with crying and mania. Went in and got my BP 1 diagnosis. I'm thinking cyclothymia, but whatever. I'm never too depressed and only once super manic. I fell I microcyle all day, most days. Not sure if I do, or just have the ability through my thinking to self medicate with my racing thoughts that release dopamine.

So as I come to 25 yrs of marriage and 3 kids, youngest 17, this diagnosis leads to what to do with wife and our situation. The guilt and failure has my wife as my trigger. We pulled from each other 15-20 years ago so really don't have much, and now in this I just have nothing for her. I don't care much either way. I'm not much of a companion either, and filled with resentment, mostly to self, and just can't even face her. She wants therapy, I see no point. I'm ok in those early infatuated times, but can't develop intimacy and just can't trust.

I was given lamotragine and didn't like it, I also function at work and with the kids pretty well so didn't want to take all kinds of meds. I crumble when dealing with wife. Most of my days my head just swirls through thoughts from happy to sad.
Should I give the meds a better chance. Even when I feel ok, I don't like her. I hate what I've done and it brings me back around to zero and below. Thanks for reading and this is quite abbreviated.

Mrmark wrote:I was high as a kite, super fast cycling with crying and mania. Went in and got my BP 1 diagnosis. I'm thinking cyclothymia, but whatever.

Hah my shrink thinks my cyclothymic, and I think I'm bipolar I. Maybe you and I should switch docs.

I fell I microcyle all day, most days. Not sure if I do, or just have the ability through my thinking to self medicate with my racing thoughts that release dopamine.

Same mmm sweet sweet self medicated dopamine highs.

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In all seriousness though I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I too have intimacy problems and saying it's very hard is an understatement. Hopefully the forum will be some help to you or at least a bit of a release.

Thank you, we ignored each other for so long and she thinks a good therapy session and some meds will make me all better, whatever that is. Thanks for some humor, I use it to cope as well, she also hates my humor. I actually like and feel comfortable when down, I excersice too much and it's my high outlet. Otherwise I bounce around and feel irritating to anyone around me.

Need to add, I never feel normal. I'm not up for a time and then down and stay in the middle for a time. I'm all over the board all the time. Or do I just constantly pull myself around?

A mood stabilizer helps my highs and lows: Lithium ER 1200mg at night. I've heard Lamictal is good too.
An anti-psychotic helps my psychosis when manic. Invega 6mg AM there are several other ones. Most have side effects like weight gain.
A benzo helps me relax and fall asleep. Klonopin .5mg at night

Bipolar without medication is a roller coaster and it usually crashes. I don't find therapy very helpful because I'm somewhat of an introvert, but many people find therapy helpful. I find a routine very helpful for Bipolar. Sleep/Wake/Meals/Work etc. The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide is a great book.

I was put on lamactil and at a low dose I felt a bit giddy and more manic. I too am an introvert. I think I get all of it and just get sick of telling anyone anything. So what I'm moody and quiet, I feed off others energy and in the right places I'm likeable. I'm well liked at work and can hide it all very well. I'm tired of being the only one who needs to change, I'm me, like me or leave me. Maybe it's sad to say, but I also don't mind being somewhat depressed. Feels like home and I feel the energy of sad songs, movies and books at a real empathetic level. Not sure I want to med from that. Even though I know a lot, I don't have a crystal ball so I can't see med use outcomes. This mornings mood was a little too much, but have worked through it. I also know the things that make me down, should. I don't like to think I just need to feel better just because. I suppose mind game and internal self negotiations to maintain the brains ugly safe space as well.

Mrmark wrote:I was high as a kite, super fast cycling with crying and mania. Went in and got my BP 1 diagnosis. I'm thinking cyclothymia, but whatever.

Hmm... being "high as a kite" and also "crying" at the same time sound to me like a mixed episode which ONLY happens in Bipolar I. Not in Bipolar II. Not in Cyclothymia. This may be why you got that diagnosis.

Holodeck wrote:Hah my shrink thinks my cyclothymic, and I think I'm bipolar I. Maybe you and I should switch docs.

Not to sound rude or anything, but... do you want to have Bipolar I? It sounds like you do, and you should be thankful you don't. I was devastated when I got a Bipolar I diagnosis.

Jellybeanery wrote:

Mrmark wrote:I was high as a kite, super fast cycling with crying and mania. Went in and got my BP 1 diagnosis. I'm thinking cyclothymia, but whatever.

Hmm... being "high as a kite" and also "crying" at the same time sound to me like a mixed episode which ONLY happens in Bipolar I. Not in Bipolar II. Not in Cyclothymia. This may be why you got that diagnosis.

Holodeck wrote:Hah my shrink thinks my cyclothymic, and I think I'm bipolar I. Maybe you and I should switch docs.

Not to sound rude or anything, but... do you want to have Bipolar I? It sounds like you do, and you should be thankful you don't. I was devastated when I got a Bipolar I diagnosis.

Sorry for any bad feelings. No I would rather not. I don't know why anyone would. I went in to see the psychologist not expecting a mood disorder at all. I don't know why whatever I have works the way it does, but I hate it with a passion to be honest. However I'd like the right meds to allow me to live even a bit more normally. I don't know why anyone with bipolar I wouldn't want to have something to make them feel better.

Every time I ever have an episode it's either when I'm alone, or a time when I barely remember anything (if I do) after.

I'm a hermit. I have few close enough to properly explain to my shrink what is up (my boyfriend doesn't even see me except for 2hrs each day), and even if I did I still have to wait because she can't prescribe me meds. My boyfriend has seen me in manic lows, but I have memory problems with those.

More than anything I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have it. This year has been the first time in my life that I actually felt I was getting the support I needed vs my parents who simply asked me why I was moody and tried to force meds on me that didn't work on my dad. The fact that even without meds that I'm in a better position than he was makes me thrilled despite the dx.

I know you seem to question it, but I really do fit everything for bipolar I. I do also have a habit of typing in a cheery/joking way which might be throwing you off. I've done a lot of customer service type work from home throughout the years, and I have wound up typing that way due to it. I tend to joke a bit in person too, since it normally relieves tension. I guarantee no one who knows me offline would say I'm cheery though.

Also I feel I should add that I have been told by my psychologist she DOES believe I am, but she is having me sent to a psychiatrist for 1) meds that she has no license for, and 2) due to my schizoid pd.

She believed me about... certain things I haven't posted after my boyfriend confirmed along with confirmation of my extreme manic lows that I have problems remembering.

No worries about sounding rude btw. Sorry if I do seem snappy (long day and I'm verrry tired.) I didn't take offense.

@Holodeck - You don't sound snappy at all! The only reason I questioned it is because it is a huge shock to me that someone your age is able to work and not be medicated without ever having been in the hospital considering bipolar has the potential to get worse over time while untreated. Good luck with your pdoc!

I just wanted to say you’re in my thoughts.

I also have bipolar 1 and I’m having a mixed episode that is ... not me. Angry. And more. I don’t have words at the moment. I wanted to say thinking and support you.

It helps me survive to remind myself it will pass. For me, that’s into a different episode.