I'm just not sure any longer TRIGGER WARNING

So I'm getting very nervous about killing myself. I know these posts don't provide info to the community but I needed to write this as I'm getting quite scared. At night most of my symptoms of depression get better... but I've been through hell over the past 8 months. I will make the story brief. I got paid as a pro athlete (and no I'm not manic and imagining anything or off my rocker right now) started a company involved with my sport 10 years ago had a great group of friends and nice home. My relationship of 9 years ended and I got tied up with two nightmare employees and to be honest I'm not sure what happened. All I know is I went nuts and closed my business lost my sponsorships for my sport and went into major depression which in 8 months will not improve involved mixed episodes and rapid cycling and prior to this just a year ago I never had any mental health issues. I was living out my dreams. Frankly I do not think living like this is worth it to me. I've lost everything I love and now live with my parents as I'm dysfunctional as my home sits across the country and I think what's the point. I'm disappointed I may be dead soon but the idea gives me peace and I had such a great life until all of this why hang around and suffer anymore. I also lived too wild of a life to struggle through the second half working some job I don't like while not being able to function. So i feel that logically it makes sense to just call things good and check out. Im thinking before the holidays come. Going to the hospital will not change my mind... already done that... seen 7 pdocs... tried tons of meds...go to therapy... at what point is enough enough. I tired of doing this. I see no point in living a life where there can be no happiness. G

Depression is a chemical imbalance. You still have happy days ahead of you. This too shall pass. I've thought about suicide and then the next year had the best days of my life. Keep fighting and don't give up. Dying is a bad permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would go to inpatient ASAP.

My first thoughts were, make sure you are hospitalized if you get to a point where you may be a danger to yourself. I empathize. I felt like that too in my past. What fixed my problems? I hung on, I had 4 hospitalizations and I eventually got meds that fixed the chemical imbalance that z7z talked about . Please seek a good therapist as well as including the meds. What saved me besides the hospitalizations? I just hung on for a very long time and yes there is hope. It may be hard for you to see it, but it's there. I can vouch from my life's experiences. I was at a point that NOTHING could fix me and I saw no hope. I stuck around and I felt loved by my kids. And I just hung on when it seemed bleak. Please keep writing if it helps. There are many others besides myself who have gone through what you are enduring and we can be in this together. You are not alone.

There was a point I gave up, but I got help and now I'm here to tell you that there is hope. Hugs if wanted.

I totally agree with quietgirl - please hang in there and get medical care/hospital now if you are suicidal. It sounds like you need that level of health care right now. It's not anything to be ashamed of - be safe and you're in crisis, essentially, it's the bipolar disorder. It's not your fault and you can feel better. But you need medical intervention now.

I happen to be reading a book right now by a former Olympian runner, Suzy Favor Hamilton. She has bipolar disorder and it's an interesting read. It's called "Fast Girl: A Life Spent Eunning from Madness.

Those of us from all walks of life can get this disease. It's not easy, not by a stretch. I've had very hard times but there are good parts of my life. I think the hardest times are when are mood states are beyond our control, even if we are taking our meds...we need extra help. Or, if a person isn't taking meds, it's extremely difficult to manage their lives.

Please take care and keep us,posted. Go get help now and be safe. I have had to do the same and it's not a situation anyone wants to be in - but get that help, please be safe. If that means the hospital--go.

I agree with what everyone else has already said. I feel your pain, and I have spent the majority of my life feeling this way. When I feel this bad, I go to the hospital. And I think the hospital would be a good idea for you right now, since you may be a danger to yourself. I know the hospital sucks, but at least you will be safe. With depression, it feels hopeless, but there is hope. Like others have said- this feeling is temporary, death is permanent. Please be safe, and please, go to the hospital. We are all here for you, G.

Gbclimb,

How are you?

Thanks everyone for checking in. Still having serious suicidal considerations. I'm tired of going to hospitals because they never do anything that helps me other than keeping an eye on me. Eventually they let me out and then I still wanna kill myself. I know there are people out there suffering a lot worse I am sure.... but if I can't live a full life I really do not want to spend my entire life battling suffering. I feel I lived such an incredible free life of sheer joy. I don't think I can adapt to living my life in a way that compromises doing what I love. The running book provided by eterea provides some home but I need hope that I can get well enough to resume a life where I can live and not just survive. I can't just live to survive as selfish as that may be. I also made a key horrible decision which led to the triggering of this to a great extent and I cannot forgive myself or figure out why I made this life ending decision. I thank you all for checking in... trying to find reasons to keep going. Tired of being unhappy.... g

I'm sorry. I think maybe the best thing to do is keep trying meds until you find something that works. This is a pain in the ass, I know, but it's really the only thing you can do, aside from going to therapy and utilize coping strategies. Although the hospital can't exactly do much, other than change meds, you will at least be somewhere safe. And it's best to not dwell on the past. I too have done something stupid to ruin my life- I quit my job in a horrible way in a fit of rage and cursed out the managers. It was the only job I loved, the only one I was very good at, and I often kick myself for ruining it, but what's done is done. Don't beat yourself up about it. There is hope for you. You won't feel this way forever, I promise. There are a lot of people with bipolar who live very successful lives. And you are definitely one of them. Hugs if wanted.

Gbclimb wrote:Thanks everyone for checking in. Still having serious suicidal considerations. I'm tired of going to hospitals because they never do anything that helps me other than keeping an eye on me. Eventually they let me out and then I still wanna kill myself. I know there are people out there suffering a lot worse I am sure.... but if I can't live a full life I really do not want to spend my entire life battling suffering. I feel I lived such an incredible free life of sheer joy. I don't think I can adapt to living my life in a way that compromises doing what I love. The running book provided by eterea provides some home but I need hope that I can get well enough to resume a life where I can live and not just survive. I can't just live to survive as selfish as that may be. I also made a key horrible decision which led to the triggering of this to a great extent and I cannot forgive myself or figure out why I made this life ending decision. I thank you all for checking in... trying to find reasons to keep going. Tired of being unhappy.... g

I'll first start off with sharing that I recently, yesterday, went through a very upsetting issue. I was left to feeling like I don't have a real reason to why am here on earth. It was very upsetting. I am highly triggered. I can understand that that bad decision you made may have triggered you in a very bad way. I was feeling this morning that I don't care if I live or die, it doesn't matter to me. I will take both, whichever it is. See, you are not alone. I am wounded interiorly and I can't be anything else than that. I await the moment when I will feel better. In the mean time, I am self-destructive . I don't self harm as in hurt myself, but I can't want to believe that there is happiness or joy for me at this moment. Maybe that is how you feel. I can't move forward just yet. I hope it will be soon that I get out of this slump. I really hit a big slump triggered by a relationship. I feel terrible and that is all I can think of. I was in the car after I took my kids to school and I felt so awful. I started to feel the pain inside me. I don't feel as if I've given up like you share, but if I don't have some intervention, such as allow myself to feel better, I can and have been known to have feelings of worthlessness, hurt, confusion, I don't know what else. So maybe you can look at it that way. You can't help how you feel, but please think that it's possible that feeling like this is temporary. Do you have any friends? How about family? Friends do me a world of good. They can make me feel good about myself. To the point that I see that light at the end of the tunnel saying. Be strong. I am rooting for you. Please try to be good to yourself. I don't want you to suffer like you are suffering. I don't want to suffer either, but life is hard and it is not easy to pick yourself up. I know that. Hugs sent to you.

Jb and quietgirl... thanks so much for caring and your responses. It's such crap that we all have to deal with this. Idk anymore. Pdoc again wed. .. May add lamictal and antidepressant in addition to my lithium. Who knows. Right now my business and home are closed up in az and I'm here living with my 78 year old parents. I should be home sitting in quiet in the back in Arizona looking at stars. Just 9 months ago I was fine. I got to play outside for a living. Now my brain doesn't work. Anyway sorry for the pity party but I'm just doing really ###$ right now and an entire life of this freaks me the hell out. I just have to believe like you said quietgirl that this will get better. It just has too.... jb... thx for believing also that I can get better. Thx for all the hugs. Hugs are much needed. Soul is so sad. G