Has anyone humiliated themselves while in a manic episode?

I was 15 and a freshman, sitting 1:1 with a teacher during lunch period. I was supposed to be finishing work, but I felt pressure to chat with the teacher. My brain wanted me to chat. She reminded me to do her work. Than sophomore year started and I was talking about sex in school a lot. CPS was called and they said my mom caused the behavior. Then at the end of sophomore year I did something stupid. I drew 9/11 on a state test. This was a math question about storage bins so I made bin laden jokes. I was laughing but the school wasn't and they took me to a hospital. The hospital just let me go and told me not to do this again. The math question was about blocks in a bin and I made a joke. I was laughing but they weren't. During the summer of that year I had a lot of big ideas. One of them was to invent a real portal like the ones you see on the children's TV show cyber chase. Another idea was to invent a google earth video (kinda like google earth, except you can watch anything live). I actually believed I was going to become a scientist and invent these things, despite not being very good at science.

2 months into my junior year I read an article online and was suddenly very happy. When I spoke I switched from one topic to another easily. I even pointed this out to my math teacher "I can switch from one topic to another easily". I intentionally failed my classes because I thought I was going to win the lottery and become the president, the next MLK or really famous. I thought everyone in America was going to change the constitution for me while I gave a speech in front of a big audience (like MLK did). I was always very hyper, energetic and easily distracted, kinda like ADHD. In math class, I wanted to talk to my classmate as I was distracted and felt pressure to talk. My school had airport style scanning and there was this one security guard at the entrance who described me as "this one is always laughing and smiling". These were her exact words. She said a few times I was always laughing.

I thought I was invincible to the consequences as my special connection to god and god would protect me from the consequences. I thought god put me here for a special purpose. I thought I was smarter than I really was, at unrealistic levels. This is formally called "inflated self-esteem or grandiosity". I spent money on lottery tickets (always with my mom since I was <18 but then she wouldn't let me). I spent money on countless useless things. I thought I was going to win and use the money to make myself famous. . I used to go to an organization in a clinic type building with lots of little offices and I had a plan to buy the building and employ people there to promote my agenda. I went to a fortune teller (who solicited me on the street) and asked what college will I go to. She said Harvard. I literally thought I was going to Harvard. I would also get angry for no reason, mainly at home. I would pace back and forth, taking it out on my mom. I thought my parents were against me, so I never told them my plans. One time I told my sister I was going to become famous. She said she will kill me if I become famous. I told my mom my sister threatened me and she did nothing. I had an argument with my mom over this. I was 17.

A few days before I turned 18, there was a "breaking point" where I realized all the stuff I believed (such as becoming the next MLK or winning the lottery) weren't true. I was devastated and really stressed out because I failed every class. In school at lunch I talked to a girl about being stressed, what she does to cope, etc. I managed to catch up on my work, took summer school and thankfully graduated on time. then I wondered what I went through at 16-18. I thought it was just a teenage thing, but I had a sister who was 2 years younger and didn't act like this. I started college in the spring semester. A month into college something happened. I was in a psychotherapy appointment and read my therapists practice exam book. They did mention a manic episode so I googled it and there it was. I had nearly every symptom in high school.

I did stupid things in HS. I added random people on Facebook, including a friend of a friend who I ended up meeting at the park when it was dark and gave him oral sex. He just took advantage of me and I thought we were going to get married and if I told my parents they will interfere with my plans. But to be honest I hurt myself more offline then online. In a manic episode I said stuff I regret. Online I never used my real name. So anything I said online is not attached to my name. However the things I said in high school came back to me. My friends still say "remember when you said you wanted to become a prostitute?" It's humiliating. I was in an impaired state of mind when I said this and well, that is not me.

It still blows my mind that this went on for 2 years and never received treatment. I went to the guidance counselor weekly from 5-10th grade and not one noticed the signs of bipolar disorder. At that time I thought there was nothing wrong with me and I was opposed to psychiatric treatment but in retrospect I wish I had gotten treatment so I wouldn't have embarrassed myself in high school. I am 21 now and never had a manic episode since. But I worry this will happen again, but I doubt it. If it does, I want someone to get me treatment. I don't need to humiliate myself when I'm an adult who uses my real name online (not here) and my reputation matters more.

I try to keep a healthy ego even though I regret things I've done: ruined relationships, wasted money, got into legal trouble. It doesn't really matter unless you harm other people. Mania can be exciting but dangerous. Some of my friends/family found me entertaining but others found me scary. I try my best to stay stable now. You can't change the past so I try to focus on the present and short/long term future.

I wonder if this is something else completely, because 2 years is a long time for a manic episode, and you didn't mention having ever gotten depressed. According to DSM you have to experience at least one depressive episode to be considered bipolar. It works the other way around, too.

Jellybeanery wrote:I wonder if this is something else completely, because 2 years is a long time for a manic episode, and you didn't mention having ever gotten depressed. According to DSM you have to experience at least one depressive episode to be considered bipolar. It works the other way around, too.

I did mention getting depressed in the 4th paragraph.

^ You said "stressed" not depressed. After mania you would most likely crash into a depressive episode. They usually have feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, lack of motivation, suicidal ideation, these types of things. If you did have these feelings, you didn't write it, so sorry about that.

Jellybeanery wrote:^ You said "stressed" not depressed. After mania you would most likely crash into a depressive episode. They usually have feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, lack of motivation, suicidal ideation, these types of things. If you did have these feelings, you didn't write it, so sorry about that.

At that time I thought it was stress and I didn't know I was in a manic episode and this was the depression that followed it. I was devastated at the things I done during the manic episode. I thought I was extremely stressed out until I learned I was in a manic episode and this was the depression that followed it. I was writing about what happened at that time.

Well.. congrats for being able to study hard and finish school while depressed. When I'm depressed I can't even get out of bed.

I'm getting me spikes all perked up for this kind of depression comparison.

I'm the type to rather completely shut down some emotional parts in order to get by and not loose certain other functions. It might be more lucrative to completely fall apart and then, at some point get up, clean. But I'm holding on tight. I'm shutting down. It's incredibly painful, even though some outsider might observe me as perfectly fine and functioning.
Yes I've been very depressed, but I still went to school, that is pretty much all I did at that point.

Every emotion is unique! You just can't compete with which is worse! Ugh! where are you feelings and sympathy towards others.

Every time.

I usually get very easily distracted when manic so much so I usually always walk/run into things or trip over things including myself because I can't pay attention...I used to get really embarrassed and I still do sometimes especially if I'm walking alone..otherwise I can usually laugh it off ...and then it happens again 5 minutes later haha... the results are that I'm usually in pain and completely covered in bruises not knowing where I've gotten half of them from haha