Voices...

PM...

I am glad the drugs work for you...I know that I am thankful for drugs as well.

I am curious though, as I think we may have a similarity, what about driving? Do you find driving difficult while hearing the voices?

I still find that driving can be one of the most stressful situations for me...though I am currently "level by medication", I still get a little overly aggressive on the roads.

When I was hearing the voices "loud" driving scared the hell out of me, because I was too agressive and the voices annoyed me all the more. I still cannot listen to the radio in the car...it just seems too spooky to me...but that is a different story.

I wish there was something more that I could suggest to get the voices out of your head...I know how annoying and difficult life can be when they are persistant.

Thanks Pedro,

It does sound like we have a lot in common. When the voices are raging in my head, driving does become difficult. Too much distraction and although I still lose my temper occasionally while driving I've learned to curtail it since I had a son. He's twelve now, but I knew something would have to change when he was four and in the car with me and somebody cut me off and I heard my little boy say, "What an idiot, get off the road if you can't drive." That little voice stunned me more than the voice in my head. I knew then that something had to change so I initially started by listening to classical music while I drove. That helped some, but now I also try to leave a half an hour before I'm scheduled to be anyplace. That little 30 minutes, gives me the time to get in the slow lane and just take my time gettting there. No pressure. Like I said though, I still lose my temper occaionally, but it's been greatly diminsihed comparitively.

Also, as far as the radio goes. I generally listen to the news on the way to work and music on the way home, but (and I know this sounds strange) I know I'm on a downhill run on oil slicked pavement sans brakes when I stop listening to the radio. Once I turn that off I know I'm listening to the voice more than the outside world. In fact I have a agreement with my wife and therapist that if I stop listening to the radio for more than three days I HAVE TO tell one of them or both. Last time I stopped listening to the radio and didn't tell anybody, my wife found a bunch of suicide notes on my computer to be given out to my friends. Man was I ready to check out, I had it all planned out. So now we have "the agreement" so that nothing like that will happen again.

My poor wife though, I don't know how she puts up with me. After the suicide notes she felt she could no longer trust me, which is understandable since I didn't go to anybody when I needed help. She knew I was depressed, but didn't know it was that bad. Through years of practice I can hide my suicidal tendencies pretty well. But for now the meds are working & all is good.

PM

Again ingore these types of messages.
Please do not click on this person's link.
He/She is spamming the forums.

Thank you Sadgurl.

Appreciate it.

Hope you are doing well. I am much much better. Got off the xanax, shoo talk about the withdrawls, but it was worth it.
It was like waking up from a 10 year dream, and the funny part is I have less anxiety. hmmm. Which means I worry less about panicing, so no panic attacks. Tho I isolated myself for the withdrawls, I feel so good now to be able to get out. the agoraphobia is still there, but not half as bad.

I do feel a little manic, but I swore I wouldn't take them just for that anymore, or I would be taking them on my manic days all day. And the more I take the more I am addicted, just an update.

Missed ya,

ddee,

Thanks for the update. Good luck. I'm grateful that I've been off meds for many years. I like being in control of myself instead of having all my moods coming from my meds. I did not know what was me, and what was the meds.
Jim S

Jim S.

I wanted to give credit where credit is due.

I had read so many of your posts, and couldn't imagine dealing with the bipolar "monster" without meds, or as I can see now, drugs.

I'm so ashamed now, as I look back and my history of drugs, that xanax had me in a web of denial. They blindsided me. I can't say that I could have done it til now, but now that I have and went thru all those withdrawls, I will never turn back.

I am remembering so much, good and bad about my life. I try to stay focused on the good, but when I sleep, which I can finally do now ( i went 10 days without sleep during the withdrawls ) I am having nightmare, after nightmare, waking up sweating and crying. I fear death so badly, both seeing it and dying myself.

I keep dreaming about a man, younger that I can't remember where I know him from...but I do. He is so kind to me...and helps me in every dream, but always when I am in danger. This I could do without.


Is my mind flushing, or am I manic in my sleep, or am I obsessing over death because I just lost someone again? this is all so new to me. I'm dreaming in vivid color too.

You are the first person who has done this without meds successfully that I know. I'm lost and afraid, but so ready to live life, regardless of the fear.

I want you to know, that I give you full credit, and even told my husband about you. I haven't gone to your site yet, I don't like to read about bipolar, as it has controlled my whole life, my way of thinking, reacting, and acting.

Thank you in advance for your support on another level.

Sincerely,

Jim S.

I wanted to give credit where credit is due.

I had read so many of your posts, and couldn't imagine dealing with the bipolar "monster" without meds, or as I can see now, drugs.

I'm so ashamed now, as I look back and my history of drugs, that xanax had me in a web of denial. They blindsided me. I can't say that I could have done it til now, but now that I have and went thru all those withdrawls, I will never turn back.

I am remembering so much, good and bad about my life. I try to stay focused on the good, but when I sleep, which I can finally do now ( i went 10 days without sleep during the withdrawls ) I am having nightmare, after nightmare, waking up sweating and crying. I fear death so badly, both seeing it and dying myself.

I keep dreaming about a man, younger that I can't remember where I know him from...but I do. He is so kind to me...and helps me in every dream, but always when I am in danger. This I could do without.


Is my mind flushing, or am I manic in my sleep, or am I obsessing over death because I just lost someone again? this is all so new to me. I'm dreaming in vivid color too.

You are the first person who has done this without meds successfully that I know. I'm lost and afraid, but so ready to live life, regardless of the fear.

I want you to know, that I give you full credit, and even told my husband about you. I haven't gone to your site yet, I don't like to read about bipolar, as it has controlled my whole life, my way of thinking, reacting, and acting.

Thank you in advance for your support on another level.

Sincerely,

ddee,

Thank you for your kind words. I often wonder if I am helping anyone.

I think your dreams are quite normal. When I got off my last major med for bipolar, I had, it seemed nothing but dreams, vivid dreams for many days. I believe it is a rebound effect. Many meds supress our dreams. When we get off of them, there is a rebound for a time, until our nervous system adjusts. This rebound is common and to be expected. Many people after giving up alcohol experience a rebound of anger and/or anxiety. For years, the alcohol suppressed anxiety, anger, and other negative feelings, then when we do not have the alcohol we really hurt for a time. Think of how people suffer after giving up smoking--they are not fit to be in society or around anyone. It's like our nerve endings are raw.

For me dreams probably mean a bit more than for some others. I have not had a desire to drink for decades. Most people in AA seem to get that desire at times, no matter how long they have been off the sauce. However, after 31 years off booze, I still have dreams about drinking. I think I may be keeping the thought of drinking out of my conscious mind, but it comes back with a vengence at night.

The dreams do not bother me that much because I just see them just as dreams. However, I often get insights into myself after dreams. I heard that bipolars lack insight into their lives so I'm always examining my life, my moods, my dreams, my daydreams--mostly by writing in a journal. I also heard early on that most bipolars will have to control themselves with medication because when they feel good enough to work on their inner problems they will not do so. But I'm very lucky to have been given alcoholism. By working a good AA program, my bipolar condition takes care of itself.

Good Luck,
Jim S

JimS.

Thank you , this makes so much sense. As I read it seemed to unfold in my mind.

Lastnight I dreamed of an old highschool crush that died after 7 years of coma. He came back in my dream. I do think I am suppressing my grief, at least that seems to be the primary thing in my dream so far. I however didn't wake up afraid this a.m. like the other days/nights.

I told my doc I wasn't one of those bipolars, that felt hypo and thought I could wing it without meds right now. I have felt that way in the past and set them down, but never the xanax. Never anything I was addicted to. I drank socially until several years ago, but never really enjoyed drinking, it was more of an atmosphere thing with me, I could be the center of attention, I think that was alittle of my bpd back then. But then again it could have been a combination of overlapping sx's.. as I was also usually manic trying to relax. But they just don't mix. 1 cross word from anyone and it was a battle. I have learned so much about myself since then.

But my mother taught me very young how to block out pain. And that made me a survivor thru alot of abuse, but one disorder would allow me to be in the abusive situation to begin with for one reason or another. It's a catch 22 with bipolar and bpd. Not knowing your SELF and then having mood problems, can really make one behave inappropriately, and that is where I see in your letter something that really touches home, <<<<<

I heard that bipolars lack insight into their lives so I'm always examining my life, my moods, my dreams, my daydreams--mostly by writing in a journal.

>>>>>>, I journal alot here.

I kept a journal from the ages of 9-30, but it didn't seem to answer any problems/questions, I would sit there later with my head cocked and just be more confused as I read it back to myself. Here I can go back and read it and see how others respond to it. I do know I was a troubled child tho from them. I've never been bashful about my condition, as I hope my experiences can help someone. I'm sure we share that. It is the only thing constructive I can do with it now. considering how destructive I used to be.

My doc thinks I should really be on something, but I have tried all the bipolar meds, the antipsychotics, the benzo family, self medication, talk therapy, and psychology. I'm worn out. I don't mean this isn't for everyone. But sheesh, since I was 13??? I am now in my early 40's. I told her I was sick of being sick. And I am. With meds and without.

......
If any parents read this and you have a bipolar child I beg you to attend to them in a calm and understanding manor. I don't know about all bipolar children , but I was sooo sensitive, that any thing wrong, bothered me so much. There were so many secrets, abuse, whether due to my behavior or theirs and other adults, it has caused me undue anxiety and conditions later. Children are precious to us, and depend on us for protection and love. If I could ask one thing, and if my mother could change one thing, we both agree, LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN. They don't speak adult, so you have to read between the lines, watch their pictures they draw, I used to cut out hearts all the time. der.... that's not to hard to see thru. It meant I wanted love, and to be creative to please my mother. If only she could have read my journal, without breaking a trust. That is where my true feelings were.

"The first thing that comes to your mind" game is another calming and teaching game... that still works for me today.

One month you say Father, I might think BAD,
the next month or mood, I might think SAFE.
Then again , I might say ABANDON, or LEFT ME. Since I had two Fathers, one stepfather, who was abusive, and one that left when I was 2,but never hurt me physically. Look at those words, they say everything about how I am feeling inside. Without exposing conflict and fearing punishment. That later leads to anxiety/fear and depression, in my case.

___________
Jim Thank you for listening, and sharing. I hope you don't think I am leaning on you ,... but no one seems to understand. Bipolar is much more complicated than many think, don't you agree?.... and how we react is different too ,depending on our backgrounds and conflicting disorders.

All I can do is take one day at a time I guess.<sigh> I thought I had learned about myself in my bpd recovery, but there must be some stuff that molded me that I haven't dealt with yet. One being death, and loss. I just don't want to get back to being afraid to sleep, I can't go thru that again.

til next time..