Sense of Self

I dunno where you heard native cultures didn't have mental illness... It's goes throughout history, from famous dictators, to historic medical documentation. Depression was called Melanchalia in ancient Greek and Roman times. Mental illness just used to be considered a spiritual problem instead of a physical one. There is no utopian past times where people felt right all the time... I dunno if YOU find that comforting, but I kind of do.

I wish I could find a pdoc that would treat me for major depression. I don't mind the mania, myself. I just don't like the lows. But... it only takes a few interactions before they figure out I'm bipolar, and then all antidepressants are off the table, we have to rehash everything I've already taken, they start suggesting Lithium and a myriad of antipsychotic medicines, and I end up walking away because I'm done taking sedative medicine. I veto. I refuse.

So... maybe just try it? Put your fam on alert to watch your behavior. If you get dodgy, you can stop taking it and inform the doc, and tell them you're not gonna take it. At the end of the day YOU are in charge of your treatment. They can't MAKE you take anything. They can refuse to treat you with certain things, but eventually you guys should find a middle ground. If your pdoc doesn't listen to your concerns... you need a new pdoc.

I know who I am mentally , spiritually , however I can become lost with who I am emotionally.

Because I often mimic outer emotions to please the masses ( Apparently it is looked down upon if you don't express emotions externally )....and bc of this I'm not being totally myself emotionally and sometimes express emotions I'm not actually feeling. If I was myself and only express when I'm actually feeling, I mean authentic feeling raw emotions, people would see me as a cold fish with no feelings. My feelings are actually very deep and genuine, however they are most authentic when I choose to express rather than feel forced. I feel like a fraud/fake at times bc I am faking being excited, or whatever.

Why can't we just let everyone express how they feel at their own pace rather than force people to smile, to laugh, to be over the top happy. You can still be v content and pleasant without any of those things. I like to keep my emotions real, so therefore I express my emotions on my terms and you can bet your bottom $ they are real and genuine. Those who know me well know when I am very emotionally expressive, I am being totally authentic and raw.

Because we live in society where people are constantly telling you who to be, how to be, where to be etc. it makes it difficult to remain true to yourself first. And when you are true to yourself , you are often judged and not accepted. I know who I am emotionally, however I can't always be myself and accepted at the same time.

I think I have a sense of myself. I'm just a huge nerd! I listen to music 24/7. I listen to all sorts of genres of music, I am very open-minded. But at heart, I am a metalhead. Although one wouldn't know by looking at me. I look like an average girl. Unless I'm wearing my Gojira hoodie, people wouldn't know. I just wear what I like, and wear what is comfy. I'm a Sims 2 addict and spend the majority of my time playing it and creating for it. I have a blog where I post my game pictures and developed quite the following. I love going to live shows, and go frequently. I also love beer! I consider myself somewhat of a beer connoisseur. I like to try many different kinds, and have an app on my phone to track what I have drank. I'm generally a nice person and kind of funny. I love nature and like going for walks in the woods. I'm rather a good photographer and have a blog where I post my photos. I'm also a good artist. I mainly draw portraits. So I guess I have a lot hobbies. But sometimes, when I'm depressed, I do lose interest. But I never forget who I am. I think with bipolar, it's kind of hard to say what your true self is, since there are different sides. In some ways, I don't know what is really me- am I naturally a quiet homebody (when depressed), or a bubbly party girl (when manic)? I think when I'm stable, I'm sort of a mix of the two. Considering I am currently having rapid-cycling, I don't know wtf is going on!

I think it's awesome you are staying that active jelly. It's so good to have hobbies to persue.... I have been struggling motivating to do much of anything which seems to only make me worse. I just feel so exhausted all day. It's hard to not just take naps and then I just keep going downhill. Do you find beer messes with your meds etc because I miss drinking beer so much. I hope there is such a thing as getting stable because I miss working and having a life. It seems I do little and more so just survive versus life.

Gbclimb wrote:I'm also demoralized from an artical I read saying us bipolar 2s spend our entire lives in depression. It was making me suicidal thinking I will never feel joy or want to do anything ever again. What sort of life is that.

Even if this WERE true, which it isn't, we do have varying degrees of depression with BP II. Sometimes it's so severe we can't leave our house, but other times it's barely noticeable.

But it isn't true. I'm not depressed right now and I haven't been for a while.

Gbclimb wrote:I think it's awesome you are staying that active jelly. It's so good to have hobbies to persue.... I have been struggling motivating to do much of anything which seems to only make me worse. I just feel so exhausted all day. It's hard to not just take naps and then I just keep going downhill. Do you find beer messes with your meds etc because I miss drinking beer so much. I hope there is such a thing as getting stable because I miss working and having a life. It seems I do little and more so just survive versus life.

These are just my hobbies, but lately, I haven't been doing much of any of them. Maybe for the past year or so. I do feel like I lost myself for a while, and I was sad I wasn't doing anything. But I can't get the energy to do them, they don't seem fun. I still try, though.

Drinking beer hasn't had any negative effect on me. I looked up interactions with my meds, and they only increase dizziness and such, but I don't drink to get drunk, so I'm not drinking enough to get to that point.

Like you, I also miss working. But I can't handle it. And I am in the hospital so often. I'm trying to get disability and hopefully I will get that, and eventually, a part-time job. I want a life, too. I want my own place. But my mental state really impairs my ability to keep a job.

Anti thanks for your input...means a lot. Jelly I'm sorry to hear your so pinned down. Is it mostly depression. Do you think there could be a better med combo you could try. A friend of mine is bipolar one and this super bubbly nurse. I always wonder how the heck some bipolars like that get so lucky. As if it presents in a way it doesn't even effect them. This is all new to me. I had a few big triggers and have been in deep depression for 7 months. Ran an adventure guide company now I can barely get out of bed. It's already wearing me down. Really hurting. Sorry to hear your struggling so much.

Gbclimb wrote:Jelly I'm sorry to hear your so pinned down. Is it mostly depression. Do you think there could be a better med combo you could try. A friend of mine is bipolar one and this super bubbly nurse. I always wonder how the heck some bipolars like that get so lucky. As if it presents in a way it doesn't even effect them. This is all new to me. I had a few big triggers and have been in deep depression for 7 months. Ran an adventure guide company now I can barely get out of bed. It's already wearing me down. Really hurting. Sorry to hear your struggling so much.

I'm depressed most of the time. I have been dealing with long bouts of depression since I was about 13/14. I used to SH a lot and think about death all the time. I never told anyone about it though. I had my first remembered manic episode when I was 24. I may have had them earlier, but I don't remember. But I only can only recall ever having 3 manic episodes, and one was triggered by Prozac. I got diagnosed about 3 years ago, and have tried numerous meds. But I'm at the point I don't want to take any more because I'm afraid of gaining more weight. I would like an antidepressant, but these also cause weight gain, and my NP won't prescribe them because I'll get manic. At this point, I don't even know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this, G. To put it lightly, depression is a bitch! I really wish I had some advice to give you, but I know how hard it is to do anything while depressed. I find exercise really helps, but the hard part is getting up to do it. It seems almost impossible. But you have to force yourself to be more productive. I try, but it doesn't always work. I always look at the small things as accomplishments. Like, "today I did laundry - I am proud of myself". These sorts of things. Hang in there, and hugs for you, if wanted.

HislilPrincess wrote:
I know who I am emotionally, however I can't always be myself and accepted at the same time

.

I vote you just be yourself and ###$ those who don't accept you for who you are. You should be "you," it's only fair.

Gbclimb wrote:I think it's awesome you are staying that active jelly. It's so good to have hobbies to persue.... I have been struggling motivating to do much of anything which seems to only make me worse. I just feel so exhausted all day. It's hard to not just take naps and then I just keep going downhill. Do you find beer messes with your meds etc because I miss drinking beer so much. I hope there is such a thing as getting stable because I miss working and having a life. It seems I do little and more so just survive versus life.

@Gbclimb
How are you doing with your depression. I don't want to hijack this thread at all, but just wanted to ask. Hang in there. Share here so we can be supportive of you. Don't carry this weight alone. Hugs if wanted.