Sense of Self

I have a bad habit of losing who I am.

I've done it a few times due to different reasons.
In middle school I changed schools and didn't really know where to fit... so I just stopped liking things I used to like and was just blank for a while till I fell in with a group of people and started picking up their habits and hobbies.
In high school I realized that group was kind of a loser group and I didn't want to be them, so I went through great efforts to change my personality so I fit into the goth group instead.
In college I had an identity crisis because I had no one to mimic and kind of pieced together what I ACTUALLY liked and who I ACTUALLY was...
But I've been depressed for over a year now, and I feel like I've lost myself again.

It's little things that bother me.
I developed a habit of only buying clothes for work, so I don't have any clothes that actually reflect my personality, just corporate casual wear that I picked based on the fact it fits.
I used to have so many hobbies, from gaming to illustration to crafts... and now I just go home and do nothing. Sometimes I manage to read...
I used to go out to see music and socialize, but I don't leave the house much for anything other than work anymore.
I'm obviously depressed, but I feel like I've lost things that make me... me.

So, I ordered some clothes yesterday. I tried to pick things I could see myself wearing outside of work, as well as at... I've been trying to pickup listening to music again, cuz I used to love music... and I'm trying to think of a hobby I used to like that I won't get frustrated with if I don't do it right...

But my question is... what gives you guys a sense of self?

Hi, Rev. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I went through a major depression episode not too long ago, but nowhere near a year. I know it's tough, but keep chugging on, you can do it.

As for what gives me my "sense of self," I guess I define that myself. Some people need others to define it for them, but everyone in my life was always "be yourself," and "don't worry about what others think." So in a way, I did have it shaped by others, but in a more independent way.

I'm a collector. Granted, I work a low paying, full time job, live with my parents and my boyfriend, but I collect things. I define my sense of self by my collections sometimes. For you, you could do your music. Start a small collection, but don't over do it (very easy to do, and something I've done often.) If you go to a thrift store, or a store where things are cheap, like Goodwill, look in the music section. If you find something that catches your eye or interests you, grab it and buy it. Worse comes to worst, you can just resell it.

Also, maybe pick up an old gaming system off of eBay and try to get back into that. Maybe find an old Nintendo 64 or a Gamecube, or a PS2, and find one that has some games with it. That's a lot more expensive though.

Do you work? Do you have any source of income?

I actually have a massive music collection,including a lot of vinyls I hunted down a few years back. I just stopped listening to music at some point... I'm not really sure why.

I also have a PS4, PS2, N64, and a Sega Genesis. I just stopped playing them... and I'm not sure why. Been thinking of trying an N64 game. Most of them aren't real hard, so I shouldn't get real frustrated with them, I don't think... Just haven't gotten around to doing it yet.

I work full time. More than that, really. I spend most of my life at work and end up working a lot of weekends. The hazards of being a manager. I have a good income, but I also have weird impulsive spending habits... Like yesterday I dropped $300 on new clothes, but at least those are functional. Prior to that I kept buying books, which it's hard to get mad at myself for spending money on... because books... and I also tend to impulse buy comics, but again... reading material is hard to be mad at myself for... I used to impulse buy all kinds of craft stuff. I have a LOT of craft stuff, but I haven't felt like making anything, and I just end up mad when I try to draw right now...

I dunno. Just nothing makes me happy right now. Moreso since I sought out a shrink, and all she could do was put me on antipsychotics that were highly sedative and did nothing for my depression... I hate doctors that won't listen to you... so I'm back off those, because I couldn't function at work, and her only answer for that was "then don't go to work." I don't think she's used to treating people that aren't on disability...

This is very interesting. I went through times in my much younger years where I didn't really know what I liked, what I didn't like, I didn't know me like I seem to know myself nowadays. Just because I am a mom, doesn't just classify me as a "mom." I am a thinker, I love to shop if I have the money and it's something I really like and can afford. I haven't been doing real well with my spending in the past, but that's all changed because of discipline and therapy and me going out of my way to work on myself. I hated to feel so bad about every purchase. I am picky about who I want as friends because not all people are kind and thoughtful. I have become very honest with myself. And I go from there. I say to myself, I am depressed, or I have mania, I just don't answer the phone so I don't have to put myself through a conversation where I must explain why I can't go out with a friend. I will text much later. That may be looked down upon by some people but I tend to say that I'm just looking out for #1. I am not a people pleaser, but I can still be considerate and kind. My sense of self to me comes from liking who I am and feeling like I am important and what I think, say, and do means something, regardless of other's views, whether they are positive or negative views of me. I know where I stand. I am myself. Sometimes I'm spontaneous and other times I'm withdrawn. It's just me. It's my own personality. I'm not sure if this helps at all, but I am happy with myself these days. Depression, in my opinion, can cloud that thinking if it's a real bad depression. Because once the depression has lifted, a lot of how you view in life, can change as well. At the end of the day, I see myself as a good person. Sometimes I have a lot of anxiety and I don't like that, but I take my meds to help me with that aspect of my life. I apologize if anything I have shared here isn't what you're looking to hear. I just wanted to share my thoughts on your question.

quietgirl2538 wrote:I apologize if anything I have shared here isn't what you're looking to hear. I just wanted to share my thoughts on your question.

Any answer is a good answer.

Hobbies really are the spice of life and make you who you are other than your personality.
I like to cook and exercise. Two of the most rewarding hobbies for your health.
Heavy lifting and sprints are a quick workout. Yoga is relaxing.
I also like music, movies, and books. Easy to collect and infinite genres.
Learning to play guitar is a great way to reduce stress.
I used to like to travel but find it stressful and expensive now so I have found that just completely planning a trip and not going is almost as fun.
Writing in a journal is therapeutic and a good way to express yourself.
I wouldn't worry too much about your sense of self or being unique.
I would just do what makes you happy. The world is your oyster.

I went through this when I was depressed (and for some of it, unmedicated) from late 2012 to late 2014. It was a very LONG depression and some of it was so severe I never left my house. I recall a few months where I only left to go to the grocery store..

That being said, I got back into therapy and back on meds and after about 6 months I came around. However, it started with me "faking" it a bit. I had to force myself to take back up hobbies I had abandoned.

I actually scheduled time for web development, digital painting, etc.

I also threw away the 3 maxi skirts I had been wearing for all that time... yes. I'm not kidding. I wore the same 3 maxi skirts from J Crew for like, 2 years. I wore them until they were thread bare basically. I went clothes shopping and bought new stuff. I totally "faked" it till I made it when it came to enthusiasm for my old passions.

I also cut my hair and forced myself to start painting my nails again. Oh! And I gained some weight. I was unhappy about this at the time, but I also wasn't eating.

I definitely had to go along with it until all my old hobbies and enjoyments started feeling good again but it did eventually work. Make to do lists! Treat yourself! And even if you feel like you're pretending, do it anyway Eventually you'll stop one day and realize you are genuinely back.

This is a great thread rev.. thanks. Anti... you gave me some hope as I'm where rev is. I have a ton of hobbies but I just don't care about having fun or doing anything. I'm also demoralized from an artical I read saying us bipolar 2s spend our entire lives in depression. It was making me suicidal thinking I will never feel joy or want to do anything ever again. What sort of life is that. It sounds like I may need to just push myself more. Rev let me know how this goes if your able to motivate to Start doing this stuff I'd be curious how you set your mindset to do so. G

Gbclimb wrote:I'm also demoralized from an artical I read saying us bipolar 2s spend our entire lives in depression. It was making me suicidal thinking I will never feel joy or want to do anything ever again. What sort of life is that.

I dunno what article you were reading, but it sounds like bunk if you ask me. If BP2s were constantly depressed, they could be treated with depression meds... Sounds like the author has confused happiness with mania. You can be manic and still be unhappy. I'm BP1 and my mania is either rage, or LET'S GET BLACKOUT DRUNK! And neither of those are really happiness. It's hard for emotionally typical people to be happy with the way the world is right now... you just gotta find something that makes you happy, even for a second, and find a way to expand that.

Gbclimb wrote:Rev let me know how this goes if your able to motivate to Start doing this stuff I'd be curious how you set your mindset to do so. G

Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to get back into any hobbies successfully. I can read sometimes, but mostly I've been rotting my brain with TV. I did manage to hate-clean my room this weekend... most of it, anyways. I thought if I hate-cleaned it I might feel better, cuz I accomplished something and I could sleep in a nice clean room (which is rare), but I don't feel accomplished at all... it was real disappointing.
My only light at the end of the tunnel right now is trying to move out of state... running away, essentially. It requires a lot of planning, though, because I have a lot of debt, and I have to take my mother with me (she doesn't have anyone else), and between us we have ten animals and two houses full of stuff, and I just... get this sinking feeling that I'm going to end up taking everything I'd like to run from with me wherever I end up... but right now all I have is the dream of running away from all this.

I couldn't agree more rev. People and the world are turning into something that breaks the heart. It's like there is no spirit left any longer. They say native cultures had no depression. Imagine a community where each day we had actual purpose and were surrounded by a community working together.... meaning and true purpose. It's like we're just out in the cold. I actually looking at running as well. I'm pinned down with my parents as I'm too sick to get rid of all of my old life and stuff but I need to run. I need to change my life... yet I'm stuck. Even worse one pdoc who seems good says I'm hands down bipolar. I think I am for sure... a lot of rage... and most my behavior all adds up. But the pdoc where I am now thinks it may just be major depression... and wants to give me an antidepressents. They tried this once and I ended up in the hospital but pdoc thinks it was just an adverse reaction. My life has fallen apart. Lost my relationship and my business... it's all falling apart..