Struggling, really want things to get better

I was looking for a hello thread but I couldn't find one so I hope it's ok for me to start posting with a new thread. It might be quite long. I promise to try and put back into the community as well, needing to think out loud a bit today.

I was diagnosed with bipolar aged 25 although I had always had problems with anxiety and depression. I had a psychotic episode at that time and was in hospital. Then through the rest of my 20s I took medication on and off and I also drank a lot of alcohol. Finally now I have started taking my medication regularly and stopped drinking but things seem to have got worse not better. I don't get psychotic any more, whereas I was a bit psychotic almost all of the time before. But now I feel permanently numb and low, and even a tiny bit dissociated maybe. Sometimes I have these flashes where it's like I'm just outside of my head watching myself, they only last for about 2-3 seconds but I really don't know what they are about. Quite a lot of the time I feel like I'm struggling to breathe because I'm on edge. My thoughts just go round and round in my head and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to escape my life but never come to any plans (by escape I don't mean kill myself, I mean start a new life).

I know that I had a lot of experiences when I was drinking that were quite traumatic, and also a couple of years ago I had about 4 horrible things happen to me in the space of a couple of years. These things didn't really seem to affect me at the time but I think they have affected me a lot under the surface. I worry about the thought that I will feel like this until I die. I am tempted to stop taking my medication as I was a lot happier before, but I don't want to risk getting really unwell.

I am thinking of going to counselling or CAT therapy. I had CAT therapy mentioned to me before and I think it might help. I have some money saved up so I could pay for it and it seems like the one thing that might make a difference to me at the moment. Counselling would be free or low cost but I don't know if it would help. I find it very very difficult to open up to people and even when I was getting help for my mental health in my 20s I never shared what was really bothering me most of the time.

Anyway any thoughts would be very gratefully appreciated. Thanks for reading x Also, hi!

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum from me! I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling at the moment. I've been in a similar place to what you describe and know how scary and overwhelming it can be.

Since you're taking meds, I presume you have a psychiatrist (pdoc)? One of my first thoughts when reading your post was that, in my totally non professional opinion, if you're still suffering with a variety of symptoms, it's likely the meds you're taking aren't right for you. If I were you, my first port of call would be my pdoc and asking them for a thorough medication review. It's amazing how even small changes in meds can make a great difference, but obviously it takes a good and experienced pdoc to oversee them, and patience to go through a trial and error process.

I think the idea of CAT therapy and/or counselling is a good one, but I've found I've got most out of therapy (I had over 18 months of CBT and over 6 months of counselling) when I was already stable, as it allowed me to look at my thoughts and behaviour more objectively and my stable mood meant I was able to engage in therapy that much more.

I hope this helps somewhat and that others will chime in. Just know you're not alone and you can come out of this dark period, with the right support. I know because it's happened to me several times, with the help of a good pdoc, therapist, family support etc. Sending lots of hugs, if wanted.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am feeling a bit better today, I always feel worse on my days off and when I feel bad I forget that I ever have good day. I don't have a psychiatrist any more, just see my family doctor but I would really rather go down the non medical route if possible. They haven't been that much help with depression before.

Anyway onwards and upwards, I actually had a pretty great day today so far for me. Thanks.

You're so welcome, sleepy234. I'm glad you were having a much better day, and long may they continue.

I totally respect your wishes to go down the non-medical route, and although some people with bipolar can successfully self manage that way, I'd bear in mind that many more need meds to treat the condition. If you're still struggling with your mood, I'd be open to the idea of meds if they're needed for stability.

Obviously it's completely up to you, but I wouldn't reject the medical route and seeing a psychiatrist straight away, as it's likely the right meds could help with your bipolar depression. Often primary care doctors don't have the expertise needed to treat a serious mental health condition like bipolar, so it's best to see a psychiatrist if you can.

I know I wouldn't have got out of my various episodes at the time without the assistance of meds (or it would have taken a very long time to, and have caused untold damage) but everyone's different. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Hi There.

First things first, real quick: Don't stop taking your meds. (yet)
That's gonna sound REAL hypocritical, since I'm unmedicated, but I worked really hard in behavioral therapy for years to be able to go without meds, and sometimes I still need them to help me even out. If you don't like your meds, or the idea of taking meds you can set that as a goal in the long term, but right now it's important to maintain routine. A dramatic change in your brain chemistry can be real dangerous.

I agree that is sounds like your meds need some adjustment, though. No, meds don't make you a happy person, but they should be alleviating some of the symptoms you're still reporting and help level you out a little bit. A family doctor, at least in my experiences, may not be comfortable with more complicated med cocktails, though. If you're not into pdocs, a number of psychologists are qualified to diagnose and treat you THROUGH your family doctor. That's how I started my bipolar journey almost 12 years ago. I didn't wanna see a pdoc because, in my personal opinion, they don't LISTEN to me. So, I found a qualified therapist that would contact my primary and make med suggestions. My primary would review and treat me as they saw fit. It worked for a few years, until we figured out that nothing works... Lol. My psychologist really helped me develop skills for dealing with myself, though, and she legit listened when I told her things, like why I hate meds and how sometimes I really enjoy losing control.

Anyways, welcome and I hope that was vaguely helpful, at least.

I spoke to my sister today and she thinks therapy is a good idea. I thought she might say it's a waste of money. I'll start calling people tomorrow. I just feel like I'm in a tunnel.

sleepy234 wrote:I just feel like I'm in a tunnel.

Then keep looking until you see a light.
You'll be okay.

KEEP TAKING YOUR MEDS! And hang in there