Back On My Own

Whelp... back off meds, back to my own devices.
I had sought out a shrink because I was handling my depression poorly, but after two antipsychotic trials, I'm back to nothing. She's very disappointed to hear I won't be continuing treatment. But here's the thing...

I might be crazy, but I can't do this trial-and-error medication search thing they do.
I have a life and responsibilities, and can't afford financially or physically to be incapacitated.
I've done it before, when I worked PART TIME, but I don't have time for it at this point. I did it three years in college and never landed on something that helped... dunno why I was so confident this time around... just to be disappointed and ###$ up again...

Shrinky dink seems to think I should just stay at home for a month to adjust to a med.
WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?!
I can't be taking something that makes me fall asleep at work for a month in the hopes that side effect will MAYBE get better. I can't be taking something that causes violent tremors and keeps me from being able to my job. I can't be taking something that makes it impossible to get out of bed, socialize with coworkers, or one of the other myriad of side effects that can get me fired.

At the end of the day, my crazy just isn't as important as being able to feed my dependents, even if they are just pets.
So I'm back to suck-it-up-buttercup methods.
Disappointed, but no one can say I haven't TRIED to seek help.
Turns out it's easier to deal with the depression than the side effects.
At least when I'm depressed I know I'll still get up and go to work...
Cuz I might be sad, bu my mom's had major depression since before she had me, and if nothing else, I learned from her that you can fall apart after you get done working, so long as you go back to work afterward.

This is completely how I feel. The side effects just aren't worth it. I'd rather be depressed than.. be depressed? Sure, I don't have "depression", but I'm far from being happy. I'm miserable. I'm never taking an anti-psychotic ever again.

I also can't take antipschotics any longer. Even on low doses of olanzapine I have to almost starve myself not to increase more than 1 kg per week. And I gain weight anyway, even with 2.5 mg of olanzapine. Next time I see the doctor (in a month) I will tell her I will not accept treatment with antipsychotics. Give me anything else, and exhaust every option before having to put me on that. I was managing to return to my normal weight of about 76 kg, after having increased it to 92 kg in 2015. I was already at 82 kg. After only intermittently being on olanzapine for a month, on doses always below 7.5 mg, I'm already at 88 kg. And I almost need to starve not to increase the weight even more.
I'm only 21, I'm not ready to become obese, not being able to do physical activity and having to starve myself all day. I'm to young to leave the few things I still have left (namely eating and making endurance exercise). I'm done. I'm already on 2.5 mg with the goal of reducing to 0 by the end of the month. But I'm cutting it to 0 right now. Meanwhile I'll ask my mother (who is a doctor) if she'll let me quit these antipsychotics and just go back to sertraline (I don't think so). I just loved sertraline so much. I mean, I'll quit them anyway, if she doesn't let me take sertraline I won't take anything for a month. Anyway I'm on a low stress season until September. No more antipsychotics, only if there is no other choice.