Remission?

Slight depression to me is when I am sulking, scowling and irritable pretty much all the time. The tears are usually "blink away" and they are about negative things I dwell on, not the out of the blue about nothing tears I get when it is deeper. I will have a lump in my throat for no reason a lot, though. But I do things; never miss work over it, don't cancel plans like fishing with a friend or visiting family and when I do things I don't just plod through them mindlessly (which I do if the depression is deeper); I put some effort into it. I manage to fool some people who think I am just quiet or pissed off about something. But there is no question in my mind that it is a depressed state. The ever present fog is there, of course

UpDownAround wrote:Anyway, do most people have periods with no symptoms? Does the fog go away?

I dunno that my symptoms go away as much as I go through periods where I deal with them better.

Rev678 wrote:

UpDownAround wrote:Anyway, do most people have periods with no symptoms? Does the fog go away?

I dunno that my symptoms go away as much as I go through periods where I deal with them better.

I am kinda having that now with the slight hypo (though it has kicked up slightly; gotta watch what I say at work). It is much easier to deal with than the moderate depression. But the fog; I used to call it a "two beer buzz" to describe it to doc when I first got it ~25 years ago (shortly before the major depression event that resulted in diagnosis). It has never gone away. I was a lot more determined to find the cause and cure early on. Now I am somewhat resigned to it never going away though my new pdoc takes that as a challenge.

Anyone else with persistent fog?

I'm very fortunate to say that I've achieved remission at certain points (while on medication and sometimes, pre-diagnosis, without meds). My record for staying in remission so far has been around six years, and that was just on 600mg of Tegretol/Carbamazepine. It was so liberating, and I was actually productive and living a 'normal' life, mostly as a full time university student and then starting full time work.

Like I said, I feel extremely lucky that this has been my experience, although in more recent years- from my hospitalisation in 2011 onwards- the periods of remission have got shorter and I've needed more meds to keep me that way. I've also noticed that I've started having mixed episodes almost exclusively, which have needed antipsychotics to treat them.

@UpDownAround, I'm sorry you've been struggling with 'persistent fog'. I know how frustrating and demoralising it can be- I have a similar fog, but from the heavy cocktail of meds I'm on, which includes two antipsychotics. It's definitely worth working closely with your pdoc on this, at is may be an underlying mood issue or a meds one.

I, for example, am now working with my pdoc to reduce my antipsychotics, slowly and carefully. From a maximum of 800mg Seroquel and 20mg Zyprexa (to treat a major mixed episode and psychosis), I'm now on 200mg Seroquel and 10mg Zyprexa, and hoping to keep reducing that further soon.

Hope this helps somewhat. Hugs, if wanted.

Ennui wrote:I@UpDownAround, I'm sorry you've been struggling with 'persistent fog'. I know how frustrating and demoralising it can be- I have a similar fog, but from the heavy cocktail of meds I'm on, which includes two antipsychotics. It's definitely worth working closely with your pdoc on this, at is may be an underlying mood issue or a meds one.

It can't be meds. It has been incessant for over 20 years and in that time there have been periods of time where I was taking different medications and no medications, drinking and not, taking other drugs and not. There was at least one period of about a year where I was not medicated, not drinking and not taking any other drugs and the fog never lifted. I was moderately depressed nearly all of that year with maybe a week or so of hypomania.
Then my "same old, same old" cycle repeated - I got more depressed, started drinking again until that caused trouble at home then went back to the doctor and stated another round of medication. I was using an engineered diagnosis of moderate depression with ADHD (I denied the BP diagnosis due to stigma) so I wasn't getting the optimum meds, though I was sometimes getting reasonable symptomatic relief. I think the doctor saw through my ruse to some degree as I did get some APs in the mix.
I am planning to talk to tdoc today about another possible disorder that I really haven't pursued a diagnosis on before. To say I have a history of social awkwardness is being kind. I have some emotional baggage that I keep buried pretty deep that I need to surface. It's actually more like "unemotional baggage" that I have been afraid to talk about because of potential backlash at home. Most of my relationships have been based more on logic and expectations of what I should do than on my feelings for the other person because I really don't feel all that much for others; I logically decide I should care. This includes my marriage. It's partly because it is already a shell of a relationship that I am less afraid of discussing it now and partly because it probably does impact the rest of my diagnosis pretty profoundly.

My simple reply is I've felt an attitude (in the past) of "I just don't care anymore" to mean that I stopped caring because nothing really made me happy and I was, at that time, in a rut. But that was me. I was not depressed, just felt like I gave up on being happy. I talked to the therapist about it and we discussed it in further detail. Keep talking to your therapist like you're doing. I hope things improve for you. I'm really sorry to hear about how your marriage is "a shell of a relationship." I hope you are discussing this in great detail to your therapist. It's so important for you. To have someone really listen to you and guide you.

Actually, even in this (hopefully) anonymous forum, I am still having trouble coming clean. It isn't really "most of my relationships", it's all of them. Most did not last too long because I got really good at doing the right things and acting the right way to get physically serious pretty quickly and then at that point I was lost because the next step was deep emotional commitment that I could not bluff my way through. I don't think my wife was fooled; I am not a horrible monster that ruined her life. She was divorced and has some baggage of her own. I think she found it acceptable, took "the deal", and at some point changed her mind. She has been a "friend without benefits" for years. Actually, I am not sure she even likes me all that much anymore. So, yeah, I should talk about this to tdoc.

A clarification...
I am not totally unemotional and without feeling. I get hurt and cry about it. I worry about other people. But for whatever reason, the deep emotional bond has never been there. Maybe I seek sexual partners that are not suited to be life partners. I was always drawn to "good girls" even though I was a pretty bad boy. Most of the women I dated would never have gone out with me if they knew my full history, including my very odd teenage years. I really don't why I am like this. It's not on purpose.