Hi. New and a bit concerned...

I'm 31 and female so let's get that pertinent bit of info out of the way. This is also probably going to be all over the place and for that I apologize.

I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16 and put on Zoloft which gave me manic-type behavior and I was pulled off of it. I haven't touched an SSRI since. I've had 4 kids since then and the first 3 I was diagnosed with post partum depression and it got pretty bad with the 3rd incidence...as in, I probably should have been hospitalized. I wasn't and for whatever reason, came out of it eventually and with some difficulty. And then it totally skipped me for my youngest. I'm currently diagnosed with depression and general anxiety...there's likely some caregiver PTSD thrown in there but I'll get to that in a second.

Since the age of 15, I've had erratic sleep/mood shifts but they weren't necessarily impairing my functionality...just more of an annoyance. It continued that way until I developed post partum depression with my second, got pregnant unplanned while #2 was only 5 months, and then dealt with the depression of an unwanted pregnancy on top of the post partum. I ended up addicted to Ambien (not something I touch anymore and haven't since 2008) during that pregnancy and developed what would probably be fairly close to post partum psychosis after the third was born. Since her birth, things have been getting more and more noticeable until it kind of exploded on me within the last year.

At first, I chalked it up to stress as my 3rd child had been diagnosed with a serious mental illness (she doesn't even currently live with us because of the threat she poses) but now that she's not my primary and constant concern, whatever is going on is REALLY starting to interfere with my life.

I've always been easily irritated but that's gotten worse. I'm not violent but the urge to just pound a hole into my wall is overwhelming. My swings from insomnia to constant sleep have gotten worse. My chaotic, unpredictable energy levels are to the point where I end up avoiding situations because I have no idea who I'll be that day or even hour, sometimes. When the low mood hits, I completely detach with the usual despondent feelings and sleep as much as humanly possible; it sometimes physically hurts to leave my bed or couch to use the bathroom, or eat, or shower, or pretty much anything.

On the flip side, I'm currently in a state of near frenetic energy. I can't get my mind to slow down, I interrupt others' conversations with anticipation of their end of conversation. I'm getting *maybe* 2-4 hours of sleep a night and waking up completely refreshed and ready to go. I'm just go, go, go...and it's incredibly frustrating because there is no goal in mind. I just need to constantly move.

But this has always kind of been me in more subdued tones. I had to drop out of college a few years ago to tend to my daughter's needs but I don't think I would have finished anyway. I can' concentrate or focus. My biggest downfall in college was that I either wouldn't/couldn't attend class or that I just couldn't finish anything. I changed majors 6 times in less than 3 years in my mid to late 20s and I *still* can't stick with one major for long (as I want to finish my degree...eventually) before I"m hopping off to something else.

I see my therapist Friday for unrelated reasons but I'm pretty sure seeing a psychiatrist would be a good idea. I'm just one mass of chaotic stuff and I just want to scream. I want it all to STOP so I can actually try to live without interference.

My mind goes towards Bipolar Disorder...no family history that I know of but it kinda all adds up when I put it together. I just cannot function like this anymore.

The sheet a psychiatrist gave me a little while back lists pretty much everything you mention and says you only need one of each as an indicator that you should be seen. It was actually my son's psychiatrist. He might be BP and she wanted me to come in because my wife told her about my diagnosis which I had been doing my best to ignore for a very long time. The pdoc showed me my son's test, asked me a couple of questions and made some notes. Then she gave me a blank test and the sheet of info and said I should probably have them. I guess she meant for reference .

Anyway, I can only say that a lot of things you said are on that sheet and I would talk to the therapist about if it were me.

Best I can offer is a suggestion to look up diets that help stave off bipolar episodes. Certain foods can start my mania highs and lows going. After I cut caffeine and sugar it made my ADHD seem to vanish. I know that it may be near impossible to do that with 4 kids (needing energy and what not). Sorry can't think of anything else. Can't imagine how hard it must be trying to hold it together. (also female and will be 31 this year )