I'm always trying to trigger mania

I understand that it's an incredibly foolish thing to do, but I feel like I have to. I can't tell if it's because I just like the feeling or if I need to somehow prove to myself that I have this disorder and actually need treatment for it. Maybe a bit of both. Anyway, I find it impossible to trigger regardless. No matter how little sleep I get, how many stimulants/other drugs I take, or what lifestyle changes I make, I can't seem to trigger a mood shift.

It might be worth mentioning that a few weeks ago my pdoc was saying that I was appearing to be hypomanic despite that I didn't think I was showing any of the symptoms other than restlessness, talkativeness, and some laughing. I wasn't getting racing thoughts or anything. My need for sleep may have been slightly reduced, but that's about it.

I was feeling pretty good about things these past few weeks, maybe even the past month. Ever since I messed with my meds, anyway. I picked up guitar again, bought a bunch of stuff for it, even decided to sign up for lessons. I was also getting into more creative things like drawing stuff or obsessively doing those coloring book things. Then there were the sleepless nights where I'd go out for a run at 4 AM because I felt the need to. So I guess I can sort of understand why my pdoc thought I was hypomanic, but I guess I just don't feel like it. I can feel my mood coming down now, but before I definitely felt like life was pretty okay. Not on top of the world or anything, but just okay which is definitely not how I think at my baseline mood. So I'm not sure if I was just having a good month, or if I was just experiencing some mild hypomania.

Regardless, this stupid part of me still wants to trigger mania just to prove to myself that I need treatment. I'm talking full-blown out of control dangerous mania. I can't keep myself from wanting to do it. I don't feel like there's anything that can talk me out of it.

I've tried this, too, but like you, it does not work for me. I've tried not sleeping and drinking more coffee and energy drinks than I normally do, put on music that I tend to listen while manic, and it just doesn't work. I could say the same for depression though. I can't trigger depression either. For me, these episodes happen on their own and outta nowhere. I have no triggers. I guess I'm lucky that I have been stable for so long, but still, I want mania to happen. So I get you.

I was expecting this to be another hypomania thread. I like being able to really crank out code and being a strong advocate for my ideas in design meetings (they usually are good ideas). I would like to be able to dial that up on demand. But I would also like to dial it back a little from the point where I stop using complete sentences, skip ahead to try to catch my mouth up with my brain and don't acknowledge when someone else's idea is better than one of mine.

I don't think I have ever experienced a full blown mania; I get off at the hypomanic stop. I did not believe my initial diagnosis but I went the other way proving to myself I need meds. I was concerned about the depression, so when I felt on top of the world for a while I would quit taking meds. After the inevitable crash and burn back into the dark place, I would go back to my new primary who only knew it was depression and get a new AD prescription. Wash, rinse, repeat. For a guy who is really smart sometimes, I am a slow learner about this. I have lost track of many times I have gone through that cycle.

If I were planning to be out of control, I would make sure someone I trust was there to be in control.

Full blown mania is uncontrollable and not desired. Productive hypomania and creative energy is nice but often leads towards mania. Being stable is the best unless you want to end up in the hospital.

Exactly what z7z said. Usually I can control mine (sorta) if I'm home all day, but if I have to run errands that day...not good. If I'm home I'll sometimes do certain things that make me a bit manic for productivity, and I'm usually "ok" as long as I do it in the order of listen to music for a bit, sleep for an hour, then be productive. It's a delicate balance though, so things obviously don't always go to plan.

At some level, I know this was a bad idea, but at so many family outings I have been sad dad and we are at the beach and everyone wants to have a great time and... probably not going to sleep much tonight. My mind is going hyper speed. I should be wiped out physically. I could walk the beach for miles.

Whenever I've become Manic its happened very quickly and powerfully. Its as though a switch flicks within, and things have changed; as quickly as the click of your fingers. Initially nothing overly dramatic, although I become noticeably different to family and friends. But later on I become totally uncontrollable, and feel FREE.

Maybe its the feeling of freedom which is seductive within Mania. Life is so mundane in comparison.
Also if you've had a troubled and complicated life, Mania offers has the potential to experience true feelings of catharsis. Life now makes sense, all problems fit into a bigger picture which you can now understand, this feels good, and powerfully energising.

I doubt there are many (if any) experiences which compare to a true Manic high. Nothing really matters anymore aside from the here-and-now. Life becomes an adventure (anything could happen)...until you get put in hospital...even then its still an adventure, meeting new people who become your best friends (for a while)...until depression replaces the feeling of being high, and carefree. You are now fighting to stay alive, you want to escape but there is none...apart from something which would tear the heart out of those who love and care about you...sometimes even this thought is barely enough.

So yes Mania is great fun whilst it lasts, but there is a less fun side. Really its not to be messed with.

A big part of it is that for those of us with type II is that when pdocs or those with type I tell us if we keep taking the curves at high speed we risk a blowout that will send us careening over the cliff, We nod and say we take that seriously but really don't believe it for a minute. Oh, it happens to people, just not me and it's fun to go fast. I don't go to the hospital, I just annoy people that aren't that important because they aren't me. But only some of them; most of them think I am wonderful. I have few close friends because most people don't feel deserving...

Are you buying any of this? I'm not right now, but I might tomorrow.

UpDownAround wrote:A big part of it is that for those of us with type II is that when pdocs or those with type I tell us if we keep taking the curves at high speed we risk a blowout that will send us careening over the cliff, We nod and say we take that seriously but really don't believe it for a minute. Oh, it happens to people, just not me and it's fun to go fast. I don't go to the hospital, I just annoy people that aren't that important because they aren't me. But only some of them; most of them think I am wonderful. I have few close friends because most people don't feel deserving...

Are you buying any of this? I'm not right now, but I might tomorrow.

What do you think you might you want to do which others i.e Psychiatrists, and those with Manic Depression might be disapproving of. I'd be interested to hear so I can understand how similar your hypomania is to my baseline experience...I've a feeling it might be quite similar

Triggering mania is dangerous for me. I have 3 kids and a husband to take care of. With mania or depression I am almost useless and have ended up hospitalized. This meant my husband had to get off work, worry about me and my being stable and having to think about the kids more because I was unstable, somehow in some way. I don't recommend it for anyone to try and trigger mania. I do know it feels great, free, so ALIVE! But it's momentary.