Hypo Mania Addict

Hey guys, I don't doubt I'm the only one, but does anyone else feel like they can only operate at their best or most productive when slightly manic or hypomanic?

I've only had one episode of mania and it was medication/illegal drug abuse induced. But I've been diagnosed as Bipolar now and have a dual substance abuse problem. I took Trycyclic antidepressants and stimulants for about 4 years alongside smoking cannabis daily for at least 2 of those years alongside. I was depressed as hell but I always was stimulated, animated and felt an overall sense of wellbeing and dutch courage. Since my breakdown I have been off all 'activating' medications and only take mood stabilisers and anxiety meds & Pot. I figured the whole time I was being treated for depression/adhd the meds were actually keeping me in a state of light hypomania, because I felt as close to high as I knew of, and the meds gave me a boost in mood, confidence, ability to talk and function in work/school, concentration, racing sharp ideas, - I would have been described as the life and soul of the party whilst in school for example. Now I feel flat, with zero motivation, extremely depressed constantly, even the littlest task is virtually impossible in my head. I have locked myself away and become an anxious and more quiet version of myself. This is fine for things like keeping my head down and holding a job, and staying professional, but in terms of my actual drive to be that person I was before seems impossible.

My output level of work for college/work was so much more beforehand than now. Now I am the laziest flattened version of myself and I hate it. I don't jump in at opportunities, chat to strangers like best friends, keep everyone always in good form & entertain, being positive, playing music, seeing friends, art, walking around outside, working on projects, all the things I loved and did well. It's like before the meds gave me the lift I needed and now I can't access that level without taking drugs (hense the continued smoking cannabis - which yes could b contributing to the lethargy but it actually motivates me, gets me out of bed, makes the day somewhat 'magical' like it used to be). I am getting exercise and all my hobbies involve creative work e.g. painting, music producing, writing etc. they all involve generating new ideas from fresh and a 'creative spark' and i just don't feel it anymore!

Any options for a hypomania addict?

I am currently taking Lamictal (lamotrigine) with Adderall in the morning and Trazadone at night. The Lamictal is a somewhat recent switch from other ADs that were not doing the job. The last few days have been high performance. When I went to sleep last night (actually early AM today), I fully expected to wake up in under 4 hours, which has been the pattern the last few days. I barely remember hitting snooze when my alarm went off the first time and I hit it a couple of more times before I reluctantly got up. I don't feel awful, but exuberance crept away like a guilty lover during the night. It looks like I can still do trite prose though...

I don't know if this will keep occurring with this combination or if I even will be staying on this combination. I am seeing a new pdoc next week and yesterday while I was still brilliant I filled out paperwork and told her everything. Extensive past drug history, current use of alcohol and preference for mild euphoria. Even stuff about urges that people close to me don't know. It will probably be for the best and I don't regret it (except for answering the street drugs question "Sadly, no"). That's a lie; I would rather control the narrative and dole out that information and I regret that I cannot trust myself to do that. It seems reasonable to me that I should be able to say where I feel comfortable in a reasonable range of alertness. But there is the buzz component of the hypomanic state and docs are understandably resistant to helping me get high.

[quote]I am currently taking Lamictal (lamotrigine) with Adderall in the morning and Trazadone at night. The Lamictal is a somewhat recent switch from other ADs that were not doing the job. The last few days have been high performance. When I went to sleep last night (actually early AM today), I fully expected to wake up in under 4 hours, which has been the pattern the last few days. I barely remember hitting snooze when my alarm went off the first time and I hit it a couple of more times before I reluctantly got up. I don't feel awful, but exuberance crept away like a guilty lover during the night. It looks like I can still do trite prose though...

I don't know if this will keep occurring with this combination or if I even will be staying on this combination. I am seeing a new pdoc next week and yesterday while I was still brilliant I filled out paperwork and told her everything. Extensive past drug history, current use of alcohol and preference for mild euphoria. Even stuff about urges that people close to me don't know. It will probably be for the best and I don't regret it (except for answering the street drugs question "Sadly, no"). That's a lie; I would rather control the narrative and dole out that information and I regret that I cannot trust myself to do that. It seems reasonable to me that I should be able to say where I feel comfortable in a reasonable range of alertness. But there is the buzz component of the hypomanic state and docs are understandably resistant to helping me get high./quote]

Aw you're lucky you're on Adderall lol, if that's not keeping you high I don't know what would, I've tried all of those meds, except I've never actually gotten prescribed lamictal myself just tried it, I'm sure i didn't take it long enough to see any benefits but as I am in a constant depression I feel it may help more than the sodium valproate, or an add on to it. How do you find the Lamictal for depressive symptoms? Trazodone knocked me out from what i remember, I think I had to come off it because it was so sedating.

SunshineSam wrote:Aw you're lucky you're on Adderall lol, if that's not keeping you high I don't know what would, I've tried all of those meds, except I've never actually gotten prescribed lamictal myself just tried it, I'm sure i didn't take it long enough to see any benefits but as I am in a constant depression I feel it may help more than the sodium valproate, or an add on to it. How do you find the Lamictal for depressive symptoms? Trazodone knocked me out from what i remember, I think I had to come off it because it was so sedating.

I have not gotten full effects from Lamictal yet. I am just nearing the end of the first month. I take it in the morning with Adderall most days and it is different than just Adderall was before I switched to it. And I feel different than a did just a week in, or two weeks in (which was different than one). I did not take Adderall yesterday and there was still a lift from the morning Lamictal. I switched from Cymbalta, sort of. I decided I didn't like Cymbalta because I was not focusing and just quit taking it. I don't recommend that; I was supposed to titrate down and my drinking picked up a notch or 3 for a week or two after stopping. My primary decided we should try Lamictal because of a prior BP diagnosis I ignored until a recent query from one of the kids' pdoc about it.

Prozac helped a long time. Wellbutrin not so much.

I am not sure what will happen with Adderall. I am seeing the pdoc in a few days and because of the bravado I had when I sent in the forms she knows I like euphorics. I do have an ADHD diagnosis and my primary prescribed Adderall. But the extended keeps me from sleeping so I need the fast acting and since that wears off quick I need an extra for early afternoon some days . I doubt the pdoc buys into that. I have mixed feelings; I do want to get better but when I feel down so much of the time a little buzz here and there is a welcome respite. It really does help with focus, but I have had more incidents of what seem to be hypomania since I talked my way into the fast acting with a few extra. I do not take it late in the day.

My primary takes a lot of time with me and she really is genuinely compassionate; I hate feeling like I am working her. But I keep doing it. I did come clean about not really needing the tasty cough medicine when I got bad PND because the feeling I got when it ran out scared me. I need to stay away from opioids. At a MH support group meeting a guy said the same thing about Adderall; it was like crack to him. I have quit taking it before, letting it lapse and going months before asking for it again so I think I will be okay if the pdoc takes it away.

The trazadone I take at night for sleep but I take 150 mg which is on the high end for sleep and the low end for AD. Most nights it knocks me out, as in stagger to bed if I am not already in bed. But if I feel manic it has almost no effect.