Dark stuff from way back - talk to doc now?

The first time I was seen for a MH diagnosis was roughly 40 years ago as a troubled teen. The doctor had no idea how troubled, because I didn't reveal anything that I got away with and there were some things that would have have resulted in jail time and/or hospitalization. Something I said made him think anxiety and I walked out of there with a scrip for valium. I was being seen as part of agreement for not having charges pressed for vandalism of construction equipment. My parents said nothing about the drug problems I had; they believed that was behind me. They had no idea I was burglarizing houses looking for prescribed drugs or valuables. For an extra thrill I often went in naked and I usually did a little destruction while I was inside. I never got caught.

Fast forward about 3 years and I had learned to program computers at a tech school after flunking out of college (drugs). I had a knack for it and became a valued employee. I was able to afford alcohol and drugs. I had no social skills at all but a lonely divorcee at work gave me all the sex I wanted and taught me to treat her the way she wanted to be treated, which turned out to be the way most women wanted to be treated. I still had the urge to destroy things sometimes but I managed to keep from acting on the urges purely from cold reason; I had something to risk. Treating the lady well, having her do the same to me and having an outlet for all that sexual frustration opened the floodgates for emotion. I fell in love with her and almost convinced her to marry me (it would have been a disaster). I was still getting wasted on other nights and went deep into the tank when we broke up, but always kept it together at work and excelled.

For the next 10 years, I practiced serial monogamy with about 20 women and felt like I was deeply in love with most of them. My drug use tapered off but didn't stop and I still drank fairly often. There was a pattern to it; I was this confident upbeat guy when we met but then they would see me devoid of emotion and run, often angrily accusing me of faking feelings. The odd thing is that I was really good at seducing women because I wasn't faking. A lot of them told me things were happening fast, but the sex was always consensual.

My wife was the first one to stick with me and try to pull me back to the surface when I went under. She insisted that I seek help and I did. I have cycled about 4 times thinking I was on top of it, stopping meds and then going back in the tank again. Even with meds it still happens but usually not as bad. A few years back during a dark period, I was relegated to another room and we have not shared a bed since, even though I did seek help.

I have never told any doc the details in that first paragraph, just that I had some drug problems in my youth. That is also about all my wife knows except she knows I did property crime (but not how much and how strange my actions were while doing it). I don't tell them about the urges in the second paragraph or that I was way beyond awkward until I was seduced and trained by an older woman when I was a young adult. My wife thinks the count is a lot lower than 20, but i sometimes do tell docs that part.

So why I am I telling you? Because of a reasonable expectation of anonymity and because I wonder if it would really make any difference. I go dark sometimes and I light up other times. I have a self preservation instinct - I have never considered suicide and I squash urges to do bizarre things because I have so much to lose. Would the back story change my diagnosis? Treatment?

Something is different this time; the fog is thicker and sometimes I feel a little less in control.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It certainly sounds as if you've been through a tremendous amount over the years. I wasn't clear from your post whether you have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder or not... I presume you don't though, and are wondering whether disclosing your past behaviour might change your diagnosis.

Obviously no one here is able to 'diagnose' others, but from my experience, there's a possibility that your past risk taking and impulsive behaviours could point to a diagnosis of bipolar, providing that you also met the criteria for a mood episode, most probably a high. At the same time, though, there's the chance it isn't bipolar, especially as things are confused by your past use of drugs and alcohol. Only a professional (a psychiatrist) would be able to diagnose you with bipolar, or any other mental disorder for that matter.

It sounds to me as if it would be well worth making an appointment with a psychiatrist and going through all your past behaviour and possible symptoms up until now- and try to be as open and honest as possible so that the psychiatrist can get as complete a picture they're able to. Hope this helps somewhat and you manage to get some answers to your questions soon.

Since I put almost everything out there, I am documenting more of it. I have a pdoc appointment next week and I am going to copy/paste all this into a document and decide how much to share. Meanwhile, it is hidden in plain sight.

I have not used illegal drugs in 20 years, but that has been another cold logic choice. I would love to have a few bong hits and a handful of mushrooms.

A few years ago I tried salvia when it was legal and over the counter, thinking it might be a pot substitute to satisfy the craving. I had read that a lot of people who tried it for that purpose were disappointed and that "salvia hardheads", who felt little or no effect, were often aging pot heads. That didn't happen to me. On about the 3rd or 4th toke, I hallucinated briefly. It was short but extremely intense. I did not just see things around me that weren't there; I completely lost touch with my surroundings and was in a sanctuary that looked vaguely familiar. It faded within a few seconds. I didn't touch the stuff again for a couple of weeks and then convinced myself I over reacted. I did not; the second time was worse and I threw the rest away.

I have teens with MH issues.

I still get destructive urges. Sometimes I joke about an opportunity, like a cement truck left running where all I would have to do is yank a handle and it would dump on a nice car and whoever I say it to is horrified that I would even think it.

On standardized IQ tests, I very consistently score in the low 140s. I get the questions about what comes next in the pattern right immediately almost every time and usually could not tell you why. That has been my saving grace for doing well professionally. I solve complex logic problems quickly because I accept conclusions my mind makes without hesitation and only examine them closely if I don't get a working solution. When I don't get a working solution, I attack my conclusions without mercy to find the errant one. I have no loyalty to the conclusions, especially not to the ones that are wrong.
In some stages of big projects, we have design meetings and discuss ideas. It turns out most people do have some emotional investment in their conclusions and I have made people really angry by pointing out a flaw in their logic and then dismissing the conclusion so we can move on. I give up on debates when I can't make someone concede quickly and I can never make them right. I only get that obstinate when I see a clear reason the logic isn't correct. On rare occasions, I am wrong but have no regrets since the overall math works in my favor; time lost on work I have to scrap to revisit design pales in comparison to the time I save by not discussing things to death. I work alone a lot.

I mentioned the fog. It's been about 20 years since I felt completely clear headed. I have had tinnitus 24/7 for about 15 years and hyperacusis for about 10. During this span I have had a couple of stretches of a year or longer where I did not drink or take drugs.

Docs and psychologists have had a few explanations. The first time BP came up was a pdoc about 20 years ago. He had me do tests and chat plus give him permission to phone interview my wife and to share info with her. He told us both that BP was indicated and that confirmation would be how I responded to treatment. A few years later I saw a different pdoc and he said clinical depression and ADHD. The last few years I have been working mostly with my primary and seeing psychologists, most of whom will agree it is whatever I say it is. But none of them have been working with all the data. Really considering coming clean with the new pdoc.

The internet and forums like this are a big part of me thinking about this. For the longest time I did not realize that there were so many people with problems like mine and they don't have everything taken away and get locked up because of it.

Ennui wrote:Thanks for sharing your story with us. It certainly sounds as if you've been through a tremendous amount over the years. I wasn't clear from your post whether you have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder or not...

I do. One from pdoc about 20 years ago, a couple from primary and psychologists using the boilerplate questions and a very recent discussion with the pdoc treating one of my kids. My wife usually takes him but asked me to. She (pdoc) asked me to come in and discuss some things with them. She handed me a test my son had filled out and said she thought there might be genetics at play. It was a BP screen and his answers indicated a strong possibility, but scored lower than I would have. He wasn't as low energy and depressed as often. He may have lied about sexual desires (mine go through the roof) and did not feel as strongly about the importance of what he said when up.

The destructive thoughts and survival instinct are the wild cards in my hand. I have not had an impulse to actually do it in decades, but the thought of sneaking around naked is not banished from my brain. Typing that made me think about it and I got a little aroused. I don't think that is anything close to okay, but I am like this. Why I don't know.

I suggest you mention EVERYTHING to your pdoc or your doctor because as you have seen in your past, no good things have come about in your relationships and in the end none of us wants to be alone for good. I think that just you seeking help is a big huge step for your well-being. Stick to telling the whole truth. You deserve to be happy and have any and all the help that is available to you. Let us know how it turns out.

I have been seeking help off and on for 40 years, but I have not been completely open with anyone in all that time. I did not make up answers on the assessments, except for maybe one lie of omission if I have to include the 40 year old information. Burglarizing houses naked probably counts as risky behavior. I don't ever want my wife or kids to find out I did that. The only way anyone could accept that is to make an assessment of my mental health I don't want them to make. It would bother me less for people to know about the destructive urges. I have not given in to any of these impulses in a very long time. They get the mental equivalent of an eye roll these days. But yeah, "these days"; I still get them. Damn! I just remembered something, probably because I am in my office past normal hours right now. I have been naked here before working late when no one else was around. I have had this office for almost 14 years and it wasn't real recently though. But still, damn it!

Sorry this response is so short but I wanted to encourage you to be completely honest with your doctor. I find that honesty really is the best policy when dealing with a pdoc or doctor because only then can we be diagnosed and treated properly. I know that it's difficult but I do think you should be honest. Keep reaching out here as you work through all of these feelings.

Peace

I organized and edited it to be what I think is complete, coherent and concise and uploaded it with new patient paperwork before I change my (state of) mind. In reality it probably isn't quite any of those things, but it has the secrets that will force me to have a more genuine conversation.