I believe i have caused a suicide. *Probably TW*

I believe i am responsible for a person committing suicide. I don't know her anymore. I have no way of contacting her anymore. I have cut all ties to her due to a minor thing. I was incredibly stupid. She had a psychiatric illness and had wanted to die before.

I believe this since 2 years. The guilt is eating me up inside. I feel so ashamed of myself and that is the primary reason i want to die. I am a horrible person. There is no way i can ever make up for that. I hate myself.

There is no way to prove or disprove my thoughts. It is agonizing every day. I am not sure why i believe it. But i am sure it is right.

I never told this to anyone. It eats me up from the inside and i fear people's reactions. I think i deserve to die or go to prison. I am not sure if anything you say will convince me my belief isn't true.I think that in trying to convince myself that my belief is untrue and she is living and happy, i am trying to steal away from the responsibility.

Please do not see this post as me trying to draw attention to myself.

I am unsure if these are delusions. It was extremely liberating to write about these thoughts. Like i said, i never talked about them because i was feeling so ashamed. I was extremely scared about the reactions of the environment, and to be truthful, about the reaction of the forum (so far there was none)

I guess i was fighting these delusions all the time on my own and the fear of the reaction from others was actually making things worse. There are other delusions i do not tell anyone about out of fear of their reaction. But this is by far the worst.

But sometimes they seem so real. When i am under a lot of stress, they seem so real. I have these transient breaks from reality that subside once the stressors are removed or i somehow process them in my brain.

If you have, in reality, had no ties with anyone specific with mental illness, or suicidal tendencies, you could for sure consider those thoughts delusions.

Even if that isn't the case, another person can never be responsible for another one's life, of course it depends on what has been said or done, but seeing as you don't clarify what has happened between you and this someone, it is hard to say.

In any case know this: ruminating now on these thoughts, when you have no way of knowing what is true, is obviously senseless. There is no point.

And to make a change in these thoughts, you might want to take a leaf out of cognitive psychologists's books and consider the situation as follows: outline the situation and imminate thoughts, everything that is connected to it. write down every fear and aspect of those thoughts. consider the probabilities of them being true versus figments of your imagination.

No one here can tell you it's just your imagination, you didn't cause anyones death, and so on, because truth is people's actions of course may cause negative reactions if someone is not balanced. But to blame yourself for someone's death is maybe even a little bit egosentric; you could also think that if not me, it would have been someone else, whose sayings/actions caused it. Of course this doesn't justify bad behaviour.
Neither can anyone here really blame you about anything seeing as you haven't said what's happened; maybe this is a sign that the concrete occurence between you and this person isn't quite as straightforward; maybe this is a sing you don't really realistically/rationally hold yourself accountable for someone's death.

Sorry, I don't believe this is much of help. But this forum is so silent and I for sure appreciate any comment; I hope you do too.

Thank you. I don't believe anymore i caused her suicide, if there was any... but i know for sure cutting off all contact, unsubbing from Facebook and cutting all contact to people who knew both me and her was the stupidest thing i have ever done in my whole life. My mind again blew everything out of proportions.

I loved her (at least i think i did - and maybe i still do). My mind kept telling me i wasn't good enough for her, that's why it didn't work out - i kept sabotaging everything. And in the end i thought i was stalking her. In retrospect. I don't think i was a stalker. She even admitted to liking me a few times. But my thoughts were stronger than everything she told me. I was weak. I cut ties with her because i was convinced she thought i was a stalker and nothing she told me could convince me otherwise.

She believed in me when i didn't even believe in myself. What i did was incredibly stupid and i was an asshole. She was nice to me and i blew up in her face because of my stupid insecurities. I was selfish and self-absorbed. I should have asked her a lot more how she was doing. I should have been a better man. She deserves a lot better than that. In fact, a whole lot better. I wish there was some way to give something back or make up for my mistakes.

I was such an idiot and an asshole and so stupid. It pains me almost every day. I am not sure what i should do.

If all you did was erase her from your life, then I would consider thinking you caused her death to be a delusion. Or just really far-fetched. There's just no way. Was there even a falling out of any sorts?

You seem to be at the root of your 'problem', which is insecurity. That is not a crime. Next time you know to believe more the other person than what your insecurities are telling you.

Incredibly I know a little of what you feel like. I have cut ties with just about everyone I used to know, I don't know why I do that, it just happens. With some people I'm neurotic about reading signs that they think I'm too "intense", and it all becomes a battle of "how could I appear less intense" and then everyone is baffled by the hot and cold treatment. Until it's really just cold, because the hot only happens in my head.

BUT, I also have trouble with mentalisation and keeping in mind that yes, others care, they have feelings that are dependent on your actions sometimes, which for me basically means that I am physically unable to keep in mind that what I am doing, cutting ties, is not very nice to others. It all stems from the automatic belief that I need others a lot more than they need me, so I guess that leads to the tie-cutting in two ways, one being I have to convince everyone I don't need them so much they suffocate, and the other that I don't even realise or regret exactly because I can't gather that yes, my actions can make a change in someone else's life.

I don't know if this is of any help, but I have those same insecurities, and while differently they do lead to the same conclusion. I don't know if there is a way to reconnect, but there usually is. Can you get hold of them? Just tell her you were in a bad place. I think the whole truth will come in time and maybe she'll understand. Maybe she'll be able to forgive you. It all really depends on how much she got hurt, but if, when you cut ties with her, she didn't respond, or react in any way, maybe it wasn't THAT big of a deal?

It all really depends on how much she got hurt, but if, when you cut ties with her, she didn't respond, or react in any way, maybe it wasn't THAT big of a deal?

That's not why i want to apologize. I want to apologize because i was an awful friend to her - it was the whole thing, not one isolated thing. Actually i think she hates me and she will probably never talk to me again. But i still want to apologize. Because i think it is the right thing to do. That is a an understatement. I cannot live with myself for not having apologized.

thejan wrote:That's not why i want to apologize. I want to apologize because i was an awful friend to her - it was the whole thing, not one isolated thing. Actually i think she hates me and she will probably never talk to me again. But i still want to apologize. Because i think it is the right thing to do. That is a an understatement. I cannot live with myself for not having apologized.

Sounds solid. And understandable. But have you thought about it the other way? You think you have been awful. You have hurt her, whatever it is you have done. Then you have cut ties with her, I don't know how long ago. She didn't deserve, from what I get from you point of view, the treatment.

So consider this. What does SHE get from your apology? Isn't it a little pretentious and egosentric to want to apologise now, afterwards, when she quite likely has moved on? Isn't it possible, that it is just an absolution for YOU? And an ill-timed reminder of nasty times for her?

If however you have reason to believe she WANTS some kind of 'resolution' , then by all means contact her. But there's always the other side to it.

That's not why i want to apologize. I want to apologize because i was an awful friend to her - it was the whole thing, not one isolated thing. Actually i think she hates me and she will probably never talk to me again. But i still want to apologize. Because i think it is the right thing to do. That is a an understatement. I cannot live with myself for not having apologized.

Write an apology and put everything you'd tell her into it; that might help you let this go. The other thing that helps me is to imagine that one of my friends is the one dealing with this problem - what would I say to them? That helps a lot with the negative self talk that you seem to be doing; we are our own worst critics and sometimes treat ourselves a lot worse than we'd treat others.

mariele wrote:

thejan wrote:That's not why i want to apologize. I want to apologize because i was an awful friend to her - it was the whole thing, not one isolated thing. Actually i think she hates me and she will probably never talk to me again. But i still want to apologize. Because i think it is the right thing to do. That is a an understatement. I cannot live with myself for not having apologized.

Sounds solid. And understandable. But have you thought about it the other way? You think you have been awful. You have hurt her, whatever it is you have done. Then you have cut ties with her, I don't know how long ago. She didn't deserve, from what I get from you point of view, the treatment.

So consider this. What does SHE get from your apology? Isn't it a little pretentious and egosentric to want to apologise now, afterwards, when she quite likely has moved on? Isn't it possible, that it is just an absolution for YOU? And an ill-timed reminder of nasty times for her?

If however you have reason to believe she WANTS some kind of 'resolution' , then by all means contact her. But there's always the other side to it.

I don't think she wants some kind of resolution at all, because she probably doesn't want to have anything to do with me. If she would, she would have tried to contact me probably. Then what do i do?

I am not sure anymore if it is better to try to make things right or let her live in peace and eat my bitter cake alone.... probably it is better to try to eat the bitter cake up. I could punish myself, but that would not help anybody. I could hate myself, but that would not help anyone either. I could hate her, but that would not solve the problem at all. I could try to be a better man next time. That would not be ideal, but it would at least be better than the other options.

Maybe i am the only person who can decide what to do.

elizabethKay wrote:

That's not why i want to apologize. I want to apologize because i was an awful friend to her - it was the whole thing, not one isolated thing. Actually i think she hates me and she will probably never talk to me again. But i still want to apologize. Because i think it is the right thing to do. That is a an understatement. I cannot live with myself for not having apologized.

Write an apology and put everything you'd tell her into it; that might help you let this go. The other thing that helps me is to imagine that one of my friends is the one dealing with this problem - what would I say to them? That helps a lot with the negative self talk that you seem to be doing; we are our own worst critics and sometimes treat ourselves a lot worse than we'd treat others.

I tried the one with the written apology already. It made things worse because i felt it would never accomplish anything. Like i am only trying to placate myself in some way.