Good enough?

Do you ever feel like or have people made you feel like you’re not a good enough person because you have mental health issues?

Absolutely.

For over a year after getting stick and losing my job I felt like this. If someone has a physical problem - like a broken leg - people open doors for them; give up their set for them; and carry things for them. If someone has a mental problem, most people freak out and try to completely avoid the situation. It isn't fair. There is so much stigma attached to mental illness.

I still feel like this!!

BUT - I've been able to "be with" the feeling and let is pass over me and not affect my mood, confidence or attitude. For me it is kind of like passing gas. I notice it. I wait. I move on with my life. It is that inconsequential to my life!!

How?

What I discovered, is that when people react to others, they are reacting based on a set of rules they learned. They react 'scared' to people who jump out from behind a tree on a dark night. They react 'happy' to a grandchild who gives them a hug. They actually react the same way, rather predictably, in the same situation. So do I. So do you. The more similar the situation is to the one the 'rules' apply to, the more similar the reaction.

We can swap the person behind the tree and the grandchild giving the hug - the reaction will be the same. The reaction isn't about the PERSON, it is about the SITUATION. If you react 'scared' to people jumping out from behind trees on dark nights, it isn't the PERSON that makes you react that way, it is the SITUATION.

So... now we have:

People aren't reacting to the PERSON.
People are reacting to the SITUATION.

Now let's take this a little further:

Given EXACTLY the same circumstances, the SITUATION can be DIFFERENT for different people.

If you have ever had a flight cancelled or delayed and needed to wait in line at the airport for customer service to rebook you - you have seen this in action. There is the "I'm angry. I will be late for my meeting" reaction from the businessman. There is the "I'm upset. My girlfriend and I had a date planned tonight" reaction from the boyfriend. There is the "I'm going to lose my mind. My kids can't last another five hours in an airport" reaction from the Mom. Three DIFFERENT reactions to the SAME person in the SAME situation!!

So... now we have:

People aren't reacting to the PERSON.
People aren't reacting to the SITUATION.
People are reacting to THEIR VERSION of the SITUATION.

The last part:

People's reactions are also impacted by what has already happened, in the past, in similar situations. They learn from experience. The next time they need to be rebooked, they might ask for a meal voucher, or an upgrade. The remember the times any given situation happened in the past and react accordingly.

So... now we have:

People aren't reacting to the PERSON.
People aren't reacting to the SITUATION.
People are reacting to THEIR VERSION of the SITUATION based on what happened IN THE PAST!

This is where we end up:

Someone sees a mentally ill person talking to themselves, they don't react to the PERSON talking to themselves and they don't react to the situation "THERE IS A PERSON TALKING TO THEMSELVES". They react to some personal version of the situation, with modifications based on their past experiences.

Their brain just looks up the rules, remembers the past events, and works out how to react!!

So...

Something happens. You do something or you don't do something. Maybe someone else tells them you are mentally ill.

What is next?

Their brain just looks up the rules, remembers the past events, and works out how to react!!

Their reaction isn't about YOU, it is about THEIR PERSONAL VERSION of the SITUATION and THEIR PERSONAL PAST EXPERIENCES.

Replace YOU with ME, and they'd STILL react the same way.

So...

The way people react to you has NOTHING to do with YOU and EVERYTHING to do with THEM, and THEIR rules and THEIR personal situation and THEIR past.

So...

Try this and see how well it works for you:

Next time someone reacts to you in a way that makes you feel like you're not a good enough person because you have mental health issues:

1. Take a deep breath.. Realize it is about THEM, not YOU.
2. Notice it. Remember THEIR past and THEIR rules dictated how they reacted.
3. Wait.
4. Move on with your life.

Maybe it will be inconsequential to YOUR life!!

Hi Oswald,

Thank you for replying, that actually makes a lot of sense that people perception and behaviours are associated with what they know and the past. So for someone who had no real direct experience of it, you can understand that right?

But what if it’s someone who is familiar with how mental health works and how things can be a bit challenging sometimes, but it’s not all bad. What happens when it’s those people who make you feel you are not good enough because you have a mental health issue? It’s as though, their problems are real, but yours aren’t because yours are associated with your mood disorder. So if you feel upset about something, it’s not how you are really feeling, it’s the mood disorder talking. Even being good at your job, the result is, you do really well for not working at 100%, I’d like to see what that’s like, if you were well all of the time.

Anyway, just trying to figure people out and avoiding getting hurt, thank you for reading.

Have definitely gone through this. I beat myself up whenever I can't work for instance.

For years I've had chronic pain. My boyfriend has a high pain threshold. When I say high pain threshold I mean it's like he has systemic nerve damage everywhere (he doesn't, but it's like that.) This guy has an extremely good work ethic, and would always make me feel like the worst person ever without saying a word if I needed a day off because of my fibromyalgia (nerve pain all the time neck down). Some days it's worse that others. This guy only went to the hospital after I made him after he said he felt kinda bad and had a cough after a month. The doctor said he had pneumonia and if he had waited a day or two longer he would have died. Now keep in mind, he gets pain, but not like normal and has tended to think that people in extreme pain are over exaggerating.

He never has complained at me about taking time off because we can afford it and I'm my own boss, but it makes me feel like less of a person because I can't do it. He'll give me a look, so I know it bugs him. A while back he was having some sort of issue with his muscles. He'd wake up and they were stiff and painful to move. It started to dawn on him that this must be what it's like, and he wouldn't drop the subject. He's over 30 and this was the first time he's ever had this amount of pain. The way he described it sounded like his whole body was locked in a Charlie horse. "You mean THIS is what pain feels like to everyone else?!" He kept going on about how he couldn't fathom people living like that.

My point is people may think they "get it", when they only actually get the tip of the iceberg.